Abusive Families

Hey there Blue - that's a really hard situation you're in.

We would highly recommend that you look into resources available from The National Domestic Violence Hotline, and based on the username you've chosen, we also think that the National Runaway Service might be helpful to you as well.

Stay strong, and know that there are always people and resources available to help you.

-Answers

If you are a minor then you can go to Child Aid and report the abuse. They will investigate in a discreet manner and not give out your name. If you are not a minor and still live with your step parent then consider moving out. If you do not live at home, but have siblings that are putting up with verbal abuse then report it to Child Aid. Be sure you understand what verbal abuse is:

Verbal Abuse:

• Constantly yelling; screaming or threatening any children in the home.

• Constantly telling them they are useless; they will never amount to anything.

• Playing head games such as being nasty enough to put doubts into the victim of verbal abuse. 'You are fat'; 'You're ugly and who would want to date you?'

Non Verbal Abuse:

• If a minor is not sticking to the rules of the house and being disrespect this is not verbal abuse.
• If the step parent demands the minor does their homework.
• If the step parent has a curfew for the minor such as being home at a certain time.
• If the step parent does not like the group of friends the minor is seeing.
• Not allowing smoking of any type in the home or the step parent does not allow the minor to drink in the home.

These are but a few. Parents are just human and can lose it on occasion when they become frustrated with the minor and often minors go through a stage where they are trying to flap their wings of independence because they are at the edge of being part child to part man/woman, but not quite there as an adult. This is generally when parents or step parents clash. The upside is that eventually parents accept their children as adults when their children have earned that right. Most parents or even step parents want to protect children no matter if they are their own or not because in reality that is all minors have for a safety net ... adults to protect them. Growing up with rules is teaching minors that this is the reality of the world fair or not. Constant verbal and degrading abuse is unacceptable.

Since the obvious treatment for injuries from physical abuse is medical treatment, I assume you mean psychological treatment. This can depend on the child's age, who the abuser was, how long the abuse lasted, whether the abuse was sexual, physical, emotional, as well as other forms of abuse.

Treatment and the healing process:
First of all, the child needs to know the abuse is not their fault. Children have a tendency to blame themselves for the abuse, thinking if they had been more . . . or less . . . then they wouldn't have been abused. So reassurance that the abuse was NOT their fault is crucial to their emotional healing.

They also need a lot of love, patience, understanding and reassurance that they are now safe, as well as someone who will really listen when they do finally open up and talk about it. But getting them to talk about it may take a while, so be patient. They will talk about it when they can - when they feel emotionally ready to do so. Don't rush it, or that may make them even more withdrawn and reluctant to talk about it. It may take time to earn their trust, so don't take it personally.

Abused children have been through things that most adults can't even comprehend, much less imagine a child having to endure. The child's caregiver, therefore, needs to learn how to talk to the child, as well as respecting certain boundaries.

For example, if the child has been sexually abused, give them their privacy, such as during their bath, or when they are changing clothes. If they were physically abused, don't ever spank them; use other methods of discipline when necessary. If they were emotionally abused, talk to them with respect, love and tenderness, but also with sincerity. Children are really quite perceptive, and can often tell when an adult is not being sincere in what they say.

Don't allow other children to ever bully or tease the child - this could cause even further damage to the child's fragile state of mind. For example, it's quite common for an abused child to be sent to a foster home, where there are other foster children. Some of those children may have been abused, too, and may act out their anger and frustration by being aggressive towards other children.

Anger is a common emotion in abused children, but the child does need to learn constructive ways to deal with the anger. A child that has been repeatedly beaten by a parent may feel that physical abuse is a normal way to deal with anger, and act on that by treating other children the same way.

Children who have been emotionally abused (being told they are stupid, ugly, etc.) will need a lot of positive feedback on even the smallest achievements to help rebuild their self-esteem. A child who has been told repeatedly that they are stupid, ugly, etc., does end up believing what they've been told, and it will take a lot of time, reassurance and lots of praise before they realize they aren't any of the awful names they were called.

Signs of abuse and the different forms of abuse:
Emotional baggage can stay with a child for a lifetime if they are not given the proper treatment and environment (love, security, protection, etc.) after being abused. Emotional baggage can turn into a really heavy burden for the rest of their life if they are not helped to "lighten the load" as early on as possible. There are signs you can watch for that will let you know what the child may be feeling, or what the child may have endured. There are counselors who specialize in abused children, as well as in certain childhood behaviors, such as:

• If the child is cruel to animals or other children, he or she may be acting out their anger and frustration over not being able to fight back to their abuser. If you notice any physical aggression, address it immediately by seeking professional help for the child.
  
  
• Drawing is often therapeutic for an abused child, and what they draw can tell a lot about the type of abuse they suffered, and how it should be treated. For example, if they draw things of a sexual nature, then that is a probable sign the child was sexually abused.
  
  
• If the child draws pictures of violence, such as knives, blood, etc., that may be a sign that the child was threatened with knives, or even witnessed their abuser kill a pet.
  
  
• If the child writes things such as angry stories, that is a good indication that they still have a lot of anger that they have not dealt with yet, and will need help in dealing with the anger.
  
  
• If the child eats far more than is normal, or if he or she tends to hoard food, then that may indicate the child wasn't fed enough, sometimes even forced to go for days with no food.
  
  
• If the child won't eat, that may be an indication that he or she was constantly told they were fat, and feels that eating will only make them fatter, even if they are underweight.
  
  
• If the child tends to hoard items, that could be a sign of insecurity. Often, for children who had nothing, or who had their belongings destroyed or thrown away by their abuser, this may be their way of wanting to hold on to something of "their own."
  
  
• If a child displays unusual fears, this could mean the child was deliberately threatened or scared by their abuser. For example, if the child has an abnormal fear of the dark, their abuser may have done things to them to make them afraid of the dark, or the abuse may have taken place in the dark, such as sexual abuse at night when the rest of the family was asleep.
  
  
• If the child is abnormally afraid of being alone in a room, they may have been left home alone or even locked in a closet for long periods at a time.
  
  
• If the child is afraid of taking a bath, it's possible their abuser may have actually held their head under water, making them believe he was going to drown them.
  
  
• If the child has a morbid fear of fire, even from a cigarette lighter, their abuser may have burned them, or constantly threatened to do so. They may have even witnessed their abuser burn something or someone else.
  
  
• If the child has an abnormal fascination with fire, this is something that needs to be addressed by a professional immediately. Otherwise, the child could grow up to be a pyromaniac (arsonist).

• There are as many treatments and ways to help an abused child as there are forms of abuse. But the key here is to first find out what kind of abuse the child suffered, and to have them treated by someone who specializes in child abuse. All of the above examples are serious issues, although some can be more serious than others - especially if not treated properly, or early enough.

• If you are a foster parent, you need to learn the signs of different forms of abuse to help you better understand the child who was abused, and to help you help the child. Your foster child's social worker can help you with this by giving you material to read, and websites to research. It is so important to do all you can to understand what the child went through at the hands of their abuser in order to understand the child's behavior. What may seem odd or bizarre to you probably seems normal to the child. In addition, this behavior may be all the child knows, and doesn't realize it's not acceptable.

• Never scold or punish a child for (most of) these behaviors, or make fun of them. And don't allow other children to make fun of them, either: This will only cause even further damage and more mistrust. When you see an abused child acting in strange ways (such as hoarding food), simply reassure them that they will never go hungry in your home. You may have to reassure them quite a few times, but with the right love and care, they will come to realize they can trust you, and what you say - if you keep your word to them.

• Also, don't ever berate or criticize the child's abuser to them, especially if their abuser was a parent. Abused children tend to have mixed emotions about an abusive parent: They are afraid of them, yet they still desperately want to feel that parent loves them, and feel a sense of loyalty to the abusive parent. To put the abused child's parent down to them will sometimes put the child in the position of feeling they have to defend that parent. This will confuse the child, and delay their healing even more.

• National Child Abuse Hot Line 800-422-4453 TDD 800-222-4453
  
  
• ChildHelp USA National Crisis Hot Line 800-292-9688
  
  
• National Domestic Violence Hot Line 800-799-7233 TDD 800-394-2255
  
  
• Girls and Boys Town National Hot Line 800-448-3000