Breakups

Perhaps the question should be "Are you alright with the relationship?" If you are happy and things are going well, it is irrelevant what others think. However, if you feel you are at some level being used by the other person, I would suggest that you sit down with them and have a honest talk about what you each need and want from the relationship, about what your future might be together, that sort of thing.

• If you don't object to being used.
• Of course, just feed them twice daily and clean up any droppings they leave on their daily walk... Wait... we're talking about a puppy here right?
• Not really, no. They should give as much as they take in the relationship. They should like you for who you are just as much as what you do. That almost sounds more like a parent-child relationship than a romantic one.
• NO NO NO NO and NO. Did I mention "NO!" This is a classic case of co-dependency. The person taking care of the partner in all probability had to take care of a useless and incompetent parent when they were growing up and mistook this serious violation of a child's wellbeing as a sign of affection. The reverse probably happened with the other person in the relationship. Doing everything for someone else is NOT love - it's a serious psychological problem that in all probability stems from your childhood. If this is you, ask yourself whether you had to 'play the parent' to one of your own parents because they were too inefficient to take care of themselves? If so, you have your answer.

  It's not love - its fulfilling psychological needs

  [Comment: love MEANS fulfilling psychological needs, or what is love to you - a bank cheque? More precisely, love's a feeling that can have any number of causes, including unhealthy ones. That doesn't change that it IS love. Fulfilling needs of any kind is both a cause and a consequence of love.]

  and that never ends well with two people. Get out of this relationship fast!

• No, it is not alright! The relationship is based on what you give to and/or do for the other person and not a true give and take. If they are with you because of what you do then you can be replaced by someone they could pay for the same care.(Not like a prostitute) Why are they with you if they don't love you for who you are, but for what you do? They sound selfish and it sounds like co-dependency. I say that because there is some co-dependency in all relationships and it is not a bad thing all together. It is unhealthy when the basis for the relationship is your doing for them. Why are you staying with someone that loves you not for who you are but for what you do? You may need to check on your own self-esteem issues. You deserve to be loved simply because of the wonderful beautiful person that you are. You don't need to earn their love. It shoud be given freely. Blessings

she used to be the same way...but now she has changed a little. at first she use to tell i love u coz ur this...that..etc..etc... now its just outright...i love u coz u love me so much n take care of me so well.

[Comment: that sounds like she's tired of thinking of reasons, and you're constantly asking "Why do you love me?", which is a very difficult question to answer. Just try it yourself: Why do YOU love HER?

You just do. Just be happy that she does as well.]

we dont even talk much...never have...

[Comment: If this bothers you, then start talking! It seems to me you translate "i love u coz u love me" to "i don't really love you". You can start with this issue.]

btw...another questions...can a couple survive if they dont have any common hobbies ? and can a couple survive if the 2 people involved are totally opposite in nature ? [Comment: post these questions separately, not in here]

this how i would said it, if it was me i would take my time and dont go fast becaus going fast would cause alot of problems and just take your time and see he over react and if he acting all nice then he's a good man and if he's acting like he dont want to have fun and acting all funny then he's not a good man

Friendly answer:

Yes, it is alright! Sooner or later love is learn.

In my opinion, you have to be careful with this situation. It's kind of like walking on thin ice. You want to make sure that a person loves you for you, and not your money or what you give them. Sometimes, the other person begins to then expect these things from you and take it for granted. They might use you and your finances to help them when in a tough situation and then leave you when in their world, everything's alright. You want to make sure this doesn't happen so that they don't cheat you.

How long had the previous relationship been? Was the breakup messy? Do you still have feelings for this person? Are you still involved with this person? Are you concerned about the time period for yourself or are you worried about what other people will think? How do YOU feel about this new person? The only person who can really answer your question is you. If you feel ready to try again with someone new, then go for it. If you have misgivings, can you discuss them with your new flame? How about asking a trusted friend? There aren't really any rules regarding a suitable "mourning period". If you are lucky enough to find someone interesting enough to want to spend time with - good for you!! Good Luck.

I think it depends like is this new person someone that you knew for a long time or someone that loved you and flirted with you for a long time and you werent interested in them until you finally gave up? If this is the case, yes, it is a rebound. Especially if its so you forget about your ex...

i think that if you are desperate to find someone you could end up in a rebound relationship. if you know what you want then probably not. it definetely depends on your desperation level.

I think it depends on how long you had been in your previous relationship. I personally would say it isn't a rebound relationships just because 10 months is quite a length of time but you have to look inside at your motives. If you're genuinely interested in the person and want to be with them then go for it but if you are still hesitant and hanging onto hope for your past relationship then no, you may not ready. Rebonds, in my opinion, happen within a short amount of time after a break-up and deep down you know you are dating the person just to fill an emotional void and to fulfill companionship. I think you know the answer :) Good luck, I know it's rough but hang in there!

Answer

I agree with the above but with something else to add:

If your ex would tell you to get back together what would you do? That is your answer.

Answer

I totally agree with the last answer. If you are starting the relationship ask yourself if your ex came up to you while you were in this relationship and begged you to try again, would you *want to* end the relationship you were starting (or try to maintain both at once) and *need to* tell your ex your focus was in this new place or would you even consider your ex's offer.

I was here exactly - I didn't think I would take my ex back - in fact in my mind I told myself I wouldn't then she was actually standing in my doorway crying and all bets were off. I hurt the new woman badly. The restart with the ex failed as I tried and she was just really confirming we made the right decision the first time. I relocated for no reason. I lost the friendship with the new woman (who was truly wonderful). I started my grieving all over and it was really twice as bad and took much much longer to work through for me personally because I was very committed to sacrificing to make it work (longer than 10 months the 2nd time). Just be over the other person and very comfortable alone before you drag someone into a nightmare and create one for yourself.

I think a good litmus test is if you were out and ran into your ex with your new partner, would you want your ex to be jealous or would you truly be indifferent.

Get a dog. Give and take your affection from that relationship for a while. You will get more out of it than you think you will and when you and that dog are truly a pack then start thinking about adding someone else to the pack.

Answer

I think that you need to give more details about this relationship, the previous one etc. Emotions are not simple things

Firstly, you need to understand why he wants to divorce you so you can build your strategy around it in order to save your marriage. There is at least two situations you might be faced with:

First

The reasons why he wants to divorce you have nothing to deal with you but with himself, for example: he met someone else, he is confused, he is having general psychological or emotional problems, he is making of you his punch bag for his frustrations.

In this case, you will have to be strong enough for both of you in order to not let you marriage and family structure to fall apart. You will have to find ways to show him the positive side of choosing you and your family in case you both have children. You need to understand the definition of love before you can debate with him about feelings. The majority of people don't know what love is or what this entails. Under the Christian point of view, love is a commandment, (Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it.). It is a decision you make to love or stop loving the person and this might be one of the reasons why there is a fine line between love and hate. The Bible also explains the characteristics of true love, (1 Corinthians 13:4-8 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails.). This applies for all types of love, including the one between husbands and wives. If he wants to divorce you based on feelings for someone else, you will have to be strong to bring that concept to him and the reality check of what he is doing. Usually people confuse love with lust, attraction and passion and none of those feelings are the right ones to give up your marriage and your family. This is where you need to bring to him the responsibility of what he is giving up with the divorce.

Second

He might say he wants to divorce you because of you, for example: Because you are obsessive, you are workaholic, too self-centered, because you might have additions of some sort or because you put other things above your marriage.

What ever is the reason he gives, you have to use reasoning to admit that your actions or the person you have being are contributing to destroy your relationship. Usually in this case, couple's counselling can be helpful as you will not be able to change by yourself without knowing where all that is coming from and without knowing about yourself. So, do not be in self-denial but go after whatever it takes to not lose this person that is so important to you, your husband.

Avoid sharing your marital crisis with family and friends that are unable to be neutral to the situation and to those who will tend to take sides. This will only contribute to the problem get worse. However, share with people that will be willing to help without taking sides.

Suggestion

As a start point, for those interested in the Christian point of view on tips that can help you to save your marriage, I recommend the following:

Books: "The Love Dare" by Kendrick, Alex and Kendrick, Stephen and "The Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie Omartian

DVD: "Fireproof"(2009), Starring Kirk Cameron and Erin Bethea

While there is nothing wrong with being "sweet" (cheerful, good-natured, or accommodating), some boys, average boys, could have difficulty dealing with a girl who is always nice to everyone, and helpful, and never mean, rude, or nasty.

In one case, the extroverted boy is concerned (too concerned) with his public image, with being around someone who is always better-liked, more popular, or more agreeable. This can highlight any flaws of his in these areas.

In another case, the introverted boy is concerned with your emotional well-being and his own. He would worry that you would never try to have your own way, or argue, or contradict his ideas. This could result in your becoming submissively miserable, or make him feel guilty for dominating you, even unintentionally.

Neither of these scenarios could be correct, but they are subjects for thought in relationships that include girls who may present as overly nice, sweet, or perfect.