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Abusive Relationships and Domestic Violence
An abusive relationship is a relationship in which a person is victim to the use or threat of being physically or psychologically abused. Here you can ask questions about abusive relationships such as how to spot it, and how to get yourself or others help.
3,885 Questions
women look for a man that is attractive, kind, caring, sensual, passionate, a good worker, strong, and that is financially stable..
It's called Battered Women's Syndrome:
Battered woman syndrome describes a pattern of psychological and behavioral symptoms found in women living in battering relationships.
There are four general characteristics of the syndrome:
1. The woman believes that the violence was her fault.
2. The woman has an inability to place the responsibility for the violence elsewhere.
3. The woman fears for her life and/or her children's lives.
4. The woman has an irrational belief that the abuser is omnipresent and omniscient.
Abusers make the woman feel guilty by making her feel like it was her fault. He creates self-doubt because it is a tool to make her stay, or make her feel she can't do better than him, or can't survive without him.
AnswerPeople tend to become attached to their captors. The Stockholm syndrome is a psychological response sometimes seen in an abducted hostage, in which the hostage can show signs of having feelings of loyalty to the hostage-taker, regardless of the danger (or at least risk) in which the hostage has been placed. Stockholm syndrome is also sometimes discussed in reference to other situations with similar tensions, such as battered person syndrome, rape cases, child abuse cases, and bride kidnapping. The strong sense of guilt and self-doubt is just part of the experience of leaving--just don't act on it to the extent of staying in your situation. Overtime, it will fade, once you have left the situation. AnswerSelf-flagellation is a characteristic of those who choose to live with an abuser (and a choice it is). Constant guilt feelings, self-reproach, self-recrimination and, thus � self-punishment typify the relationships formed between the sadist-narcissist and the masochistic-dependent mate or partner. AnswerBecause the abuser has made you feel guilty about anything you do that doesn't make him happy, so you can't help it. Also it may be because you feel you have failed to "save" the abuser. I think that is why a lot of women stay in abusive relationships; because they want to help that person and get them out of abusing, but it almost never works. The best thing is to change your phone number, where you work, and where you live. If you can't change your work or where you live, at least change your phone number. And no matter what, don't talk to him. If he needs to tell you something have him talk to one of your friends and they can decide if you need the message or not. If you talk to him, he may convince you to take him back and that is a bad idea. AnswerI think this relates to the our (the abused's) feelings of failure at not being able to "please" this hard to please person. I think some of our self-worth may be caught up in the idea that if we can win the love and affection, and please, this very difficult person, than we must indeed be OK, worthy, attractive, etc. AnswerThe person being abused (victim) is all too often experiencing post-traumatic childhood abuse. This is a vicious cycle. They are still trying to please for the sake of approval, acceptance and above all, love. Somehow the victim blames him/her self for the abuser's unhappiness and, what would happen if the victim actually left the abuser for good? They would become total failures again, as in childhood. Since the victim believes that if they cannot please their mate, then they are "just not good enough" and that is the ultimate pain to have to bear. AnswerThe "good" qualities of the abuser are the ones that a victim thinks about after leaving the relationship and becoming lonely, and wonders if they gave up on the abuser too soon. "He is so good to me sometimes, maybe I over reacted, maybe I didn't give him a chance. I think he really wants to change." We can't change anyone but ourselves. Victims like to think of themselves as "special" to the abuser as well. And that their love for the abuser will move them to change. "He's just never had anyone love him the right way before." If you don't know what your boundaries are before you become intimate with someone, they will adjust them for you. AnswerBased on living with an abuser for five years, I think the feeling of guilt and self-doubt stems from the fact that the abuser projects a very "nice" and "charming" personality at the "honeymoon of the relation". We tend to refuse to accept the facts we get from living with the abuser later on. Why? Because, each of us believes he/she is a unique person. We store in our memory that the "charming" abuser loved us for our uniqueness. We struggle to keep this idea. We tend to accuse ourselves, not the abuser for the difficulties arise in the relation. To sum up, we feel guilty about the abuser's inability to see how unique we are. We need another chance to let him/her see our uniquness- that will never happen. Answer"Why are feelings of guilt and self-doubt so strong when one tries to get rid of their abuser even though one has had enough?"I made the mistake of feeling sorry for my abusers. The very moment I stopped feeling sorry for them my eyes opened to the truth.
AnswerBy motivating through feelings, (feeling are unending and always change), as in right now I feel guilty because ...There for I will climb back in bed with ..., A person negates their experiences. Guilt and self doubt are but two feeelings. Taking account for all of the feelings that have come up and motivating with a well rounded account of ones feelings is something to learn how to do.I am learning & can say that it takes practice. Just last night I spoke to a friend that had gone through a N/abusive relationship with a woman as I had with a man. We managed to chat about our situations during the past three years. All in all we both figured it out. I asked him how he finally dealt with it & did he get real sad? He said he did get sad but then when he finally realized that the person had a problem and he did not need the pain in his life that is when his decition became clear and not burdened with seemingly leaving the woman high and dry. When he said this I smiled because that is exactly what finally came to me.If you have developed a pattern with a person where the buttons of guilt and self-doubt are right there on your forehead blinking red and saying push me_ imagine the lights dieing out, fizzeling & then peeling them off or just give your head a shake and let them fall off. Check to see If you are uncomfortable with out these sensations or feelings. If so you are doing good! Take some good sized breathes, It helps taking a bath and going under to check out how good it feels to breath. Feel the life and energy you inhale as wonderful white light. Let this light travel through your whole body.
Change is uncomfortable.I call it getting off the hampatrail, turning into the animal of ones' choice and explore, roam, graze climb,dancewild,run...Do something with the imagination besides imagining you have something to be guilty about or continuing to reinforce the wires of a rabbit cage.
So why are the wires on the cage so strong, why is the hampstertrail so well oiled... because You havn't decided to deconstruct the cage and you have made the decition to reinforce a habitat that you "FEEL" is the only one that exists for you.
Second guessing yourself and your feelings is a result of long term abuse. That is because you have become used to a world where things don't make sense. Consequences don't really match actions. You have the right instincts to leave and as you live without abuse over time, the past situation will become clear to you. Then, you will be amazed at your strength for changing your life for the good, based on what you did. Any guilt and self-doubt will vanish.
Which is the most aggressive type if child abuse?
any. I would say the worse would be verbal. There are so many different kinds of abuse.
Why would any man tease or make fun of a woman who says she cares for and or Loves Him?
Some men aren't very good with feelings, whereas all women usually wants is a fairy-tale. Women tell their partner that they care for them either because they want their partner to know how much they care for them, or they want to know how their partner will respond. Usually, when a woman tells her man she loves him, it puts an awkward vibe on things- not that all men are insensitive, they're just different from girls. Once you carry on saying these things, it will become less and less awkward, because it will become more common, so if you try to say 'I love you' to your partner on a regular basis, he'll soon learn that it's normal to say that in a relationship, and, he may say it back.
How soon after an abusive relationship ends does the abuser seek another relationship?
Almost immediately. Many abusers are narcissists and crave narcissistic supply.
Very quickly! Sometimes before he ends his relationship with you. This way, he can toss you aside and his new source of narcissistic supply is ready and waiting.
The "N" in my life had several relationships going at the same time, including the "special" one w/ me. This was revealed only after I finally removed myself permanently from the abusive situation. This way the "N" could ensure his constant supply, making sure he wouldn't be without at any given time should the "other players" unknowingly involved in his game choose to opt-out.
Immediately - If Not Sooner!!! I begged my abuser to find someone else - knowing that historically he never left one without having another one ready. He started looking for his next VICTIM before I broke up with him. I left him over 3 months ago and I can tell that he is floundering and desperate for supply. He is still trying to control, abuse and intimidate me from afar. He's a monster!!!
Don't be surprised when you find out he didn't 'wait' at all. My experience is that the abuser has plenty of fish on the hook.
My abusive ex was in another relationship within weeks of our formal separation and I was shocked when I found out. He made it sound like he had been with her for years and all of a sudden I didn't count for anything. He changed his phone number and put a restraint order on me filled with lies. His intentions were to discredit my reputation in his retalition from my rejection. Everything in the restraint order about me were dirty lies and in reality he was doing those things to me. I didn't follow the advice of my family and friends when they suggested that i file a stay away order on him because he might do something bad to me. Whats more he lied to the police and told them i was 100 feet away from him, and i was lucky that i was able to convince the police that i was innocent and that he was a liar. Otherwise i would have went to jail for 3 months. He had been calling my mother for months and finally after 8 months we spoke on the phone. He left me about a dozen messages, crying and pleading with I love you and want you back so bad. After all those messages he called the next day and and said he didn't love me but that he loved the other lady and did I want to hear them making love. He literally changed his mind over night about me. I could never do that to anybody the way he did me.i just couldn't believe he could be so cruel after all those years of love and loyalty i gave to him.
Some abuser take years to get over a relationship depends how the perosn values himself
Depends on the person. Some cant let go and are obcessed. Some move on quickly. If he or she see there is some potential left to control you, they will come back. Once they see that you are not going to be controlled they will move on. They love a challange, but not too much, they want a person that resists their control but in the end will eventually allow them the control. If the victim refuses all control and contact they will move on. But actually my ex husabnd will still harass me and its been two years...since i kicked his sorry..$%%$ out....he said he has a girlfriend...he may be bored with her and or he had an easier time controlling me so hes living in the past of when he had me under his thumb. Some of these types do expereince regret of losing someone but usually its related to the fact that they are having a harder time finding a more passive victim.
From my experience, very soon. In fact, he took up a relationship with a girl he had cheated on me with a few days after I left. It was mostly to try to get a rise out of me, so I ignored it. He was abusing her when she was a friend while we were dating, so it wasn't at all a surprise. He won her pity by playing the victim. Typical.
The narcissist i was with probably never ended anything. She kept it going with others in various ways and had a stash of douchebags ready to go if the need arouse. id say the moment your narcissist thought it was time to dump you or sooner.
Are narcissistic people crazy?
No. Narcissistic people are not crazy. They merely have an admiration for theirselves. It's better to love one's self rather than hate, right? But there may be a matter of how much someone may love themselves, which may go beyond the usual limit. There are people who look in the mirror everyday and are like "I'm so beautiful and so forth" They are not ashamed of themselves and they love who they are and what they look like, of course this is not the case for many others. Many can't stand to look at a picture of themselves or stare in the mirror. I believe it's best to love one's self. So no, narcissitic people are not crazy.
I hope I explained for you.
^^
Why do you think abused children often have trouble making friends?
Iv grown up without any parents, and alot of abuse & neglect through childhood. Iv also lost alot of people.
Its difficult for me to make friends because im so with drawn and things get akward. I can only be myself around those that havent given up on me.
Can an abusive relationship be fixed?
Depends how you define "relationship". Friends and lovers never batter each other. Codependence is not love.
If the abuser realizes his problem and seeks help in getting control of his anger and actively seeks to prove to you he is open to resolving the problem and you seek help to overcome your fears that have inevitably had an effect on your perception and feelings for him. if both take action to work on these areas of the relationship it can be salvaged. But realize it will not be easy for either of you.
Why do men think girls as toys?
yea when there young they think of you as a teddy bear when there little only if ur a girly girl
Why do woman verbally abuse their spouse?
it is just something we do because our man is for us and we feel that even kno they wear the pants we want to feel like we have a say im not saying talk about your man cause that willl make him question does she really love u r not cause shes acting really stupid
What age group is most likely to suffer domestic violence?
1 in 3 women experience physical assault
women are most likely to be killed by husband, ex boyfriend , boyfriend , spouses and ex spouses
women ages 19 - 29 and make an income of 10,000$ or less are likely to be victims of domestic violence.
What is Physical or Mental abuse to a child?
physical abuse is hiting
Yes, but it is so much more!
The intent of physical and psychological abuse is to get the victim to DO something they aren't doing or to get the victim to STOP DOING something they are doing. So with that in mind.....
Physical abuse is any unwanted touching either directly or indirectly. This can include hitting, punching, spitting, choking, slapping etc. It also includes physically restraining, and blocking their movement (such as a door so they can't leave). Throwing something such as a glass of water at or on the victim.
Psychological abuse is anything which attacks the individual as a person with the intent of scaring, threatening, belittling, confusing, overpowering, humiliating and embarrassing the victim.
I think for many it is experiencing the sensation of being thrilled or scared in ways that most people do not get to experience in real life.
At the same time you know that a film can never really hurt you and so it adds to the fun because you also know you are safe.
People also like watching horror films because they love watching something scary.
What are the characteristics of an abusive man?
Emotional abusers know you more than you know yourself. they know how to control you, and they make you feel low as if its your mistake and if it's your fault. Almost all emotional abusive relationships start off with a very good start making you feel as a king or a queen. Remember, in a healthy relationship, your negatives are also discussed. That's normal in a healthy relationship. You can trust each other, and understand each others' negatives and positives.
Emotional abusers tell you that your wrong- always- and they blame you... even for their temper. It's all your mistake. Here is some examples of emotional relationship abuse::
"ITS YOU WHO LEFT ME
I HAVE LEARNED TO LIVE WITHOUT YOU....
WE CANNOT CLAP WITH ONE HAND.....
PAST IS PAST...
IF THERE IS NO TODAY THERE IS ALWAYS TOMORROW"
So be prepared to face the tomorrow with abuse if your still in such a relationship.
What happens and what you can do:
Your sense of self worth goes down. You feel dejected with this person. You feel you need to CHANGE him/her to make them better, and rid them of "picking" or "bullying" you. It's not just a temper tantrum, it won't go away. You may feel like your losing your balance, but that may be at the later stages. You're so much into that abuse that you loose yourself and you feel like you love this person so much that you won't leave. You want to stand by them and hope very hard for a change in mood... Even if you know you're being emotionally robbed.
There's a lot of things you can do. For relationship abuse, it's much easier to just end the relationship. Get out, know your worth, don't let him/her rule your emotions. It's not worth it. There will be someone there, whether it be friend or family. But if family is the one emotionally abusing you, it's much harder. I'm in such a situation, but I'm too young to do anything. So the only advice I can give you on family emotional abuse is to try to bear with it, maybe attempt to have a normal, calmed conversation about the yelling and vulgar words.
If you cannot love yourself, How can anyone else love you?
Healthy relationships have very strong emotional bonding.
You don't need to make artificial/physical love like;
-kissing
-hugging
-sexual intercourse
-holding hands
A relationship based on these, with no emotional feeling, is not a real one.
A healthy emotional relationship will eventually turn out to those, without feeling pressured about anything.
So if your in a relationship where you're being forced for physical and also feeling emotionally drained...
I would suggest to get rid of the relationship. It's not real and you don't need to prove you're love with these.
Don't feel emotionally drained.
You are yourself.
You're worth just as much as they are.
How can you stop people from abusing dogs?
By looking at the reaction of the dog to its owner's movement. If for example the owner suddenly waves his hand or gets up real fast from a chair, and the dog gets jumpy and scared, there you have it. If the owner is petting him in front of you and the dog looks anything but comfortable, that's also another good sign.
What is the percentage of men getting abused?
The percentage of men getting abused is about 29%. Just because it rarely happens does not mean that it doesn't have, it is just not widely recognized because it is more common for women to be abused.
What are some examples of emotional child abuse?
1. Improper use or handling; misuse: abuse of authority; drug abuse.
2. Physical maltreatment: spousal abuse.
3. Sexual abuse.
4. An unjust or wrongful practice: a government that commits abuses against its citizens.
5. Insulting or coarse language: verbal abuse.
1. To use wrongly or improperly; misuse: abuse alcohol; abuse a privilege.
2. To hurt or injure by maltreatment; ill-use.
3. To force sexual activity on; rape or molest.
4. To assail with contemptuous, coarse, or insulting words; revile.
5. Obsolete To deceive or trick.
Why do men stay in abusive relationships?
no i dont believe that you should. things will get worse before you know it. If you really love this person an intervention with the whole family might help. But dont be scared to do something about it. Many women are scared to leave, but once you do you learn to be strong and say no more.
Can a legal resident man be deported for domestic violence?
That's something only the legal system can answer and depending on what State you live in. I sure wish it were true in British Columbia where I live. Many countries around the world have a strict policy that if you break their laws then you are either imprisoned or deported and well it should be for all countries. There are laws for a reason in each country (no matter whether we think them fair or not) and once in that country, we know the rules so if we break the law then you pay the price. To answer the question, yes. There is a special deportation charge for any legal alien that is convicted of a domestic assault violation of the criminal law. It would ultimately be the decision on the Immigration Judge if the alien is ordered deported.
Is your boyfriend abusive when he throws things?
Yes!!! It most certainly IS abusive. Abuse is much more than physical. Please, please get yourself to a councelor. The sooner the better.
What is the significance of child abuse?
There are no benefits to abusing a child, other than the risk of being taken to prison or jail to prevent further abuse.
Domestic violence and your criminal record?
If the abuser was tried and convicted of a felony such as assault, then yes, it will show up in a criminal record. If never convicted, then no.
How do you deal with a lying manipulative stepdaughter?
Humans rarely listen to advice. What you would not do is try to get between your son and his wife. What you would do is recognize her point of view and politely let her know you see it (with examples). "Honey, I know you love my son, but if you lie to him he will find out, this is why I am honest. When you _____ I saw ____." Then expect denial and do not bother arguing or responding to the denial, just walk away. Do not ever respond to her in any way electronically or in writing.
Realize that she is more than likely living a pattern, like a building mathematical sequence, she will not change. Any attempts to change her behavior will result in misery for yourself, and growth of the mathematical procession (making things she does worse).
On relating, which is a big part of my book which is coming out next year, try and put yourself in her shoes. It will be difficult, but it is possible to see what her primary goal is, and you may even find she has a singular goal, (separation from family, control, lust, children, and money are some primary human goals) which her life revolves around. Once you find this, her actions will be clear before she does them. Unfortunately primary goals never change in a person no matter what the external or environmental input.
From here you will be able to reasonably ask, "Does what she did directly affect my life?" If so then talk to her, if her actions are devious enough, in front of your son, not sitting them down, just thrown at them while together and not around other family members. "Oh by the way it was very rude when you...." walking away from denial, just leave the room.
If what she does has no negative influence on your life you have to step back and let it go. It stinks because you love your son dearly, but he has made his choice and once that threshold is crossed the best you can hope for is that he will see it someday as you do. But do not bother trying to get him to relate to your feelings of her, it won't work in your favor.
If you do politely say something and she becomes agitated and you walk away do not bother mentioning anything again, ever. It is at this point that you must realize that the reason she has been put on the Earth is to teach people how not to act, and unfortunately there are allot of these people out there. After all if everything was perfect would we know what perfect was? :)
Good Luck
Thomas
