Grief Loss and Bereavement

First and foremost, the best way to honor your child's life and memories is by living.

Yes, living. The best way to honor your child, as well as your child's memories, is to live. If you were to do something to end your life, your child would not be remembered the way you would want him or her to be. Instead of remembering your child, the focus would then be on you, with people remembering you as "that woman who took her own life because she lost a child." And that's not the legacy you want your child's death to leave, is it? That's not how you want others to remember your precious child, is it?

I know the pain seems unbearable right now, and that there really are no words anyone can say at a time like this to ease that pain. I also understand the feeling that you think you can't go on another day with such pain. That kind of grief can literally take one's breath away like a punch in the stomach, and drop you to your knees with its intensity.

There is no "right" or "wrong" way to grieve. Grief is such an intensely personal and personalized emotion that only you know what helps you. No one can (or should) tell you that you need to do this or don't do that, etc. The truth is, you have to deal with this pain in your own way. While some suggestions and methods may help, they just as easily may not. And if not, that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you; it just means that's not the way for you.

The only thing I will say as far as what you "should" do, is to go with that pain when the waves of grief hit. By that, I mean if you need to cry, then cry, and cry hard. If you need to scream, then scream, and scream loudly. If you need to beat your fists on the counter tops, then do it, as hard as you can. Do whatever you need to do to release the pain. Otherwise, it will consume you, and you can't let that happen.

There is no quick fix for such intense grief, and I know when one is going through such pain, they often tend to feel there is no one else on this earth who knows what they are feeling. But with counseling and support groups, you will learn that you are not alone, that you can go on, and that you have to go on. Sure, there will still be many bad days in the months to come, but they will get better.

You will run the gamut of emotions; pain, grief, anger, rage, confusion, denial, depression, even resentment towards parents who have never lost a child - all of which are normal emotions. But the day will come when you open your eyes one morning, and realize the sun is shining once again. That's when you will start to have a few good days thrown in with the bad. Then, gradually, over time, the good days will begin to outnumber the bad days more and more, until the day finally comes when you can think of your child with love and can treasure the happy memories you have.

I'm certainly not saying all the pain will end then; you will always carry a bit of that pain with you. But you will also feel a gratefulness for the time you did have with your child, however short it was. You will cherish those memories; they will become one of your greatest treasures that you can share with others. That will honor your child - and your child's memory - in the greatest way possible.

Once you reach the point where you can celebrate your child's life - I promise that day will come - you can do that in all sorts of ways. This is also another way to honor your child, in a very special way. If your child died of an illness, you can volunteer to raise money for that organization. If your child died in an accident, you can work to raise awareness of the dangers of that particular type of accident, and in that way you can help prevent other parents from going through the pain you have experienced.

You can also donate books to your local library in memory of your child. The library will place a label inside the front of the book, stating "In memory of [your child's name]", along with the date and the name of the donor (you and/or family members and friends who can do this, as well). You can personalize it even more by selecting books that your child would have liked, or books that help educate and inform others on the illness, accident, etc. that caused the death of your child.

All of these are things that will honor the life of your child, as well as preserve the memory of your precious child for many, many years to come.

So, please, talk to someone. You can talk to your pastor, priest, rabbi, etc., a counselor or even a close friend or relative. The important thing is to talk, talk, talk. There are also support groups for this. It helps more than you can imagine to talk to others who have been through the same thing, and truly understand how you feel. So, again, please call someone - now.

Support Groups - online and local

Parents who really know the depth of your grief - from their own loss of a child - can be especially helpful for you. They can share with you the coping mechanisms they have found to be helpful. Hearing from others who are compassionate, as well as knowing you are not alone, can be first steps and valuable tools in learning to cope.

Suicide Prevention Hotlines

Depending on where you live, you can call the Suicide Prevention Hotline at one of the numbers below. They can also give you the number to Grief Counseling services, as well as other organizations that can help. If you prefer private counseling instead of group therapy, but can't afford the costs, call the colleges/universities in your area. Many of them offer counseling services for very low fees, much lower than a therapist in private practice would cost, and some may even be free.

Some emergency help numbers:

• US: 1-800-784-2433 (toll-free) or 911
• UK: 08457 90 90 90 or 999
• Ireland: 1850 60 90 90
• Australia: call Lifeline on 13 11 14 (local call) orKids Help Line on 1800 55 1800 (toll-free)
• Europe: 112

Alternatively, call the emergency number for the country you are in, right now, and tell them that you are thinking about suicide. You will not have to give them your name if you don't want to, so you can speak freely and honestly to them. They are trained, skilled, and compassionate people who really do care and want to help you. All you have to do is just make that call.

Worldwide Help Numbers

• Call one of the suicide helplines. A website called Psych Central lists phone numbers in the US and worldwide.
• A website called Befrienders Worldwide says that "We work worldwide to provide emotional support and reduce suicide. We listen to people who are in distress. We don't judge them or tell them what to do - we listen."

Another user shares an opinion on how to cope: You make a decision. That decision is to keep on for one more day, one more week, one more month - whatever feels right. And you do just that. You attempt to maintain a semblance of a normal life, even though things are anything but normal. You make it a point to attend to hygiene, bill paying - the critical things that have to get done. And then you try and work in a few other activities: reading, hobbies. And you allow yourself time to grieve - maybe time in which you do nothing else.

And then, after you've completed your day, week, month - you renegotiate another contract for another day or week or month. And do it again.

Somewhere along the way, you may want to think about making some time for professional counseling. The sooner the better, in fact but, that said, if you just can't do that yet - then don't.

As to friends, it's a good idea to eventually recommence your social life. But do so with some preparation. Friends, unlike professionals, often have no idea what to say to you, and this can make them feel very uncomfortable/awkward around you. Sometimes, you'll even find that you're the one counseling them.

It's a slow process. It's difficult and lonely. But you already know this. Bear in mind it's going to hurt for quite a while, and things will never be quite the same. You already know this too.

So far, it looks as if you're handling this laudably. You've reached out here - that's great, and I want to encourage this. Just dig in and know it's going to be hard on you and your family - but that even this you can survive.