Abusive Relationships and Domestic Violence

It takes two to tango and an equal number to sustain a long-term abusive relationship. The abuser and the abused form a bond, a dynamic, and a dependence. Expressions such as "follies a deux" and the "Stockholm Syndrome" capture facets two of a myriad of this dense macabre. It often ends fatally. It is always an excruciatingly painful affair.

Abuse is closely correlated with alcoholism, drug consumption, intimate-partner homicide, teen pregnancy, infant and child mortality, spontaneous abortion, reckless behaviors, suicide, and the onset of mental health disorders. It doesn't help that society refuses to openly and frankly tackle this pernicious phenomenon and the guilt and shame associated with it.

The situation is not always bad; it has good and bad times and it is that slippery slope that keeps people from doing what they know they must. A habit of second guessing rather than choosing a path with confidence is difficult to overcome. It is not just leaving-it is providing a safe place for yourself and children, getting a job, managing the legalities all at the same time - and it is daunting for a good period of time after you have left.

People overwhelmingly women remain in an abusive household for a variety of reasons: economic, parental (to protect the children), and psychological. But the objective obstacles facing the battered spouse cannot be overstated.

The abuser treats his spouse as an object, an extension of himself, devoid of a separate existence and denuded of distinct needs. Thus, typically, the couple's assets are on his name from real estate to medical insurance policies. The victim has no family or friends because her abusive partner or husband frowns on her initial independence and regards it as a threat. By intimidating, cajoling, charming, and making false promises, the abuser isolates his prey from the rest of society and, thus, makes her dependence on him total. She is often also denied the option to study and acquire marketable skills or augment them.

Abandoning the abusive spouse frequently leads to a prolonged period of destitution and peregrination. Custody is usually denied to parents without a permanent address, a job, income security, and, therefore, stability. Thus, the victim stands to lose not only her mate and nest but also her off-spring. There is the added menace of violent retribution by the abuser or his proxies coupled with emphatic contrition on his part and a protracted and irresistible "charm offensive".

Gradually, she is convinced to put up with her spouse's cruelty in order to avoid this harrowing predicament.

But there is more to an abusive dyad than mere pecuniary convenience. The abuser stealthily but unfailingly exploits the vulnerabilities in the psychological makeup of his victim. The abused party may have low self-esteem, a fluctuating sense of self-worth, primitive defense mechanisms, phobias, mental health problems, a disability, a history of failure, or a tendency to blame herself, or to feel inadequate (autoplastic neurosis). She may have come from an abusive family or environment which conditioned her to expect abuse as inevitable and "normal". In extreme and rare cases the victim is a masochist, possessed of an urge to seek ill-treatment and pain.

The abuser may be functional or dysfunctional, a pillar of society, or a peripatetic con-artist, rich or poor, young or old. There is no universally-applicable profile of the "typical abuser". Yet, abusive behavior often indicates serious underlying psychopathologies. Absent empathy, the abuser perceives the abused spouse only dimly and partly, as one would an inanimate source of frustration. The abuser, in his mind, interacts only with himself and with "introjects" representations of outside objects, such as his victims. The abused person is emotionally fragile, starving for affection, security, and affirmation. If the abused person lacks a strong social support system, the abusive relationship, sick as it is, provides some relief from being alone. Some abused partners avoid being alone at all costs, until they hit rock bottom and cannot live with the abuse any longer. Because in most cases the abused does not realize they are being abuse in the beginning the abuser will use blame shifting. Once the abuser has given you so many reasons that things went wrong because of something that you did or didn't do, or behaviors, or attitudes that he or she says that you should work on "yourself" you begin to feel as if the abuse takes place because you have made mistakes. Some people like myself tend to be fixers and want to find a solution to all the problems that have been presented thinking that the problem really is you. I hear that a lot -YOU YOU YOU don't care about me, YOU lie, YOU made me do what I did because you....You, and so on and so on. Don't take the blame anymore, don't confuse being an adult and making healthy adult decisions to work through things with taking someones abusive crap. I FEEL LIKE SUCH AN IDIOT! How I stayed with my ex for as long as I did is a mystery. The signs came a long time ago, but I thought it was ok. Then came the first incident of physical abuse and I swore that was it and I was going to leave. But then he sweet talked me and told me it would never happen again, and that he would get help. So I believed him because I loved him and I thought what he was saying was completely true. I guess I wanted to believe that the mean guy I saw in him wasn't really him.

But he never got the help, and after another month he started verbally abusing me, lying to me, started using drugs. Again, you'd think I would have bolted! Well I tried, but again he came to me that he'd get help, it would get better, he loved me. And I stayed! I FEEL LIKE SUCH AN IDIOT. Things were great for a little while, but then again, another incident when I was left with bruises all over my body. I left the house and got a hotel room to stay that night. I swore that was it, i left. But again, he came to me begging and again I went back. Each time I completely believed that this time, THIS TIME he really would get help and THIS TIME it would work. That never happened.

I finally have ended it for good, I haven't had contact with him for 2 days since the s#@$ hit the fan. I'm so angry at myself for staying in this abusive relationship for so long. I never thought I would endanger myself, or be the "stupid girl" that I'd see in movies. But i did, and it was because I was in love, and was hoping that he could be the sweet guy he was some of the times, ALL OF THE TIME. But that can't happen when there's a monster deep down. I should have left when the monster first appeared. I feel like such an idiot that i didn't. I'm glad I'm finally out. I don't have to be scared anymore.

Thanks for letting me vent. This is a question I used to ask myself a lot. As a strong feminist I couldn't understand why someone would stay in a relationship that was abusive. Then I ended up in an abusive relationship, and saw how difficult it was to disentangle myself from it. Some things to think about:

1) Abuse often starts gradually and then gets worse over time (like gradually increasing heat until it hits the boiling point, it's sometimes difficult to see what's happening until you're far along in the process).

2) Abusive people will often separate you from your friends and family, removing your traditional sources of support. After you've had to blow off friends and family, or been embarrassed in front of them many times, because of the behavior of your partner, it's sometimes difficult to reach back for help.

3) Abusers will often operate on the mindset that everything is your fault. Delivery Pizza is burnt? Your fault. Weather bad? Your fault. When you're used to shouldering the blame for every small thing that happens in life, the abuse becomes your fault as well. He'll tell you it's your fault, of course, and at some point you start believing. This may also be a characteristic that you entered the relationship with - an over willingness to accept blame; couple this with a need to shift blame for everything and you have a very bad combination.

4) Abusers can threaten dire consequences (either to themselves or to you) if you leave. In my case, my abuser was fiscally dependent on me. If I left, he would have nowhere to go, and no money to live on. He used this to make me feel very guilty. If I left he would have nothing, he would harm himself, etc. His lack of financial independence was, of course, my fault.

5) Living with abuse over a period of time sucks away your energy and self esteem. All of your resources go towards avoiding the next big blow up, trying to protect what little peace you have in the home. Your sense of self worth is continually taken away by your treatment at home and you believe that you deserve no better than what you have.

6) It's humiliating to admit that you are living in an abusive situation. It's humiliating to even admit this to yourself. Being abused is equated with being weak and unable to defend oneself in our society. There is a general idea that people who are in abusive situations somehow deserve to be there, as they are not strong enough to have extricated themselves. Denial of what is going on can be very strong. I was with my ex for 6 years. I should have left him when he went to jail, but I didn't...after he got out of jail, everything was fine. About a year later, we got our own place is the time the abuse started. I ended up getting pregnant and that didn't seem to stop him.. He literally pushed me on the ground and kicked me�luckily, my son was fine... I was stupid and I thought I was in love I thought it was my fault and I was getting beat... So, I stayed. Eventually, it got worse....around my son's 1st birthday, I ended up leaving him. He flipped out he kidnapped my son for 3 days. And I was away from him for about 3 months until his sister called me up and said he tried to kill himself, I was stupid again and took him back. Everything was fine for about a month and I thought "Well, maybe he changed"...I was wrong. It all started again. The first time it started was because I didn't come to him when he called me. He ended up punching me in my side and breaking my ribs and he bruised my kidney. I kicked him out of the house. He begged me to come back and of course I did. The last time he hit me it was in my face and he broke my nose. I finally went to the cops and made a report, but didn't press charges. A domestic violence lady called me and talked me into putting an order of protection against him and make where he only sees our son every other weekend. I know I was stupid but once abuse starts, you need to get out it just gets worse and he's lying when he says he loves you he can't love you if beats you. Sometimes, there is no choice or at least it feels that way. I am currently in an emotionally and mentally abusive marriage. We've been together for 12 years and married for 10 of those. Back before we had kids, I threatened and actually did leave several times. I was a fool, I always thought he really would change, and was to stupid to realize that he never once admitted that he really did have a problem. Now, we have 5 kids, 3 of which are triplets, and I feel trapped. I hate the way he treats me, always yelling and screaming and calling names, he acts like he's my father rather than my husband most of the time. When I see other couples, I long for that kind of relationship, where both parties respect each other. The only time he's nice is when he wants sex and even there, he is disrespectful. He pouts if I turn him down and accuses me of cheating and he pushes oral sex on me when he knows I am uncomfortable with it. Yet, if I don't comply, he throws a tantrum so it's easier just to lay there and let him do whatever. I started taking classes for nursing last semester and if I pass, my interview will be done and working in about 2.5 years...some days seem to feel like ages away, though. I even told him that once I am through with school and am working and making good money, his choice will be to shape up or ship out! However, that only causes yet another argument. At the moment, I stay because I don't feel like I have a choice, and there's no way I'd leave my kids with him so he can make them just like him, but without having a job, I have no way to support myself plus 5 kids. Or, I would do it in a heartbeat. The worst part is that some of his behaviors have rubbed off on me...I say things to him now that I would never have said 12 years ago, because I wasn't raised that way, but when someones' constantly telling you what an idiot you are, it doesn't take long to fall into the pattern of throwing it right back at them. Even worse is that I see it in my kids especially my oldest son, who is 8. I feel so helpless that I can't get them out of this situation. Hello, all. I can't believe I am on this page. Let me explain. I'm a 27 year old male. I haven't been in many relationships in my life, only 2 and they combined to span something like 13 months. I basically was waiting for the right person to come along. 2 months ago I met this older woman who is 35. She seemed very interested in me and I gave her my number. We talked for hours one night. What she told me was she was not quite finalized in her divorce from her husband. She told me that she was married for 19 years and she had 2 kids ages 17 and 18. Her husband was physically abusive and she wanted to leave so many times but she didn't because of the kids and the fact that her father was a preacher and he told her if she got a divorce she was going to hell.

I listened to this and I evaluated every word she said. She explained that she had been separated from him for 3 years and she had since dated another guy. This second guy ended up being verbally and emotionally abusive to her as well and didn't want her kids around. She ended up leaving him and moving back with her parents. Now this is when I met her.

The more I talked off and on with her the more I thought this woman was a sweetheart and it was drawing me in. I knew from what she was saying that she hadn't ever been in a real relationship. I thought that I could show her everything that she hadn't been able to enjoy in life. I wanted to step up as a man and make this woman happy and treat her like she deserved to be treated.

Everything seemed fine, she finalized her divorce and we were "dating" although not quite physically involved yet. One day she received a call from her ex-boyfriend. She told me that he left her a message (because she didn't answer the phone) that stated something like "What are you on a hot f****** date!?". She told me she was going to "take care of this problem". I was a bit weary of the situation and she was hinting that she was going to go talk with him. Deep down inside I knew this was bad for her to do. She was giving him an opportunity to snake his way back into her life. She went and talked with him. She didn't call me that night or the next night like she normally did. I knew something was up. Now, from my perspective, I didn't want to get hurt, but I had developed feelings for this woman. I spoke with her on the phone and basically she said she needed time to figure things out. I knew this was bad. She was so gung-ho about talking to me and planning things with me and now she totally stopped and didn't know what she wanted. I talked with her for 3 hours about this situation one night.

She said she was confused. She liked me and she told me I would be everything she could ever ask for in a partner, but she still had feelings for this other guy. She said she didn't think it would be fair to be with me when she had feelings for him still. I was devastated. I explained to her that everyone has those feelings after somethings ends and you just need to take a step forward and grab my hand and stand with me for a while and you'll soon realize that what you had before was nothing compared to what I could offer. This guy was treating her like a yo-yo. He would throw her away when he didn't want her around, and because she kept that emotional string tied to him, he could always pull her back up from the dirt when he wanted to. It had worked for him before and it was going to work again. I thought to myself that I need to do everything I can do to help this woman out of this cycle. I never ever felt so emotional over something like this. I am usually a passive person and I will let things that I can't control fall as they may. I want to save this woman from all of this but I am not sure how. That's how I ended up here. I was researching this subject to get a better understanding of what was going on with her emotionally. To be honest I couldn't quite understand why she would even think about going back when she had something that was about to turn into something she had always wanted. A man to love her and treat her the way she wanted to be treated, as a best friend and a lover.

So she said she needed time and space to figure out if she wanted to go back with this guy or be with me. I told her that was alright, and I expressed all of my concerns to her, and I explained everything I felt for her (I have never stepped up and done this with anyone in the past) and I told her I would give her all the time she needed but I also told her that I didn't think there was any way I could win in this situation. I told her I wasn't going to call her anymore, and if she wanted to talk to me she could call me anytime. She said she would call but I haven't heard from her in a few days. I've exhausted myself trying to convince her not to go back to something that she knew the outcome was going to be. I honestly care for this woman and I don't want her to keep getting hurt. When she told me about everything that she had been through in her life between the 2 abusive relationships I wanted to cry. She had been raped, beaten, choked, verbally abused, etc, etc. She started to list all of these things that would be a reason why I wouldn't want to be with her, she had no money, bad credit, lived with her parents, was emotionally unstable and suicidal. She was trying to make it easy for me to let her go so it wouldn't be as hard for her to choose between me or him. She knows I'm the right one, but it is easier for her not to cut her ties with him and just go back. She said she had been so depressed, obsessed with this guy wanting her back. I tried to the best of my ability to convince her that this was a mistake to go back but I think I have failed. She can't see it with her eyes because she believes that it will be different the next time or he will somehow change. I explained that I have seen this countless times where some abusive guy will get 3,4,5, 20 chances with a girl. The girl just will keep coming back thinking it will be different or better this time. It never is. I also explained that there were honest, sincere, caring guys like me out there who often never get a chance at all. It is a severe injustice, but I don't know where the fault lies. I have expressed all my feelings and concerns to her and I have left it up to her to decide what to do. I know what is going to happen but there seems to be nothing I can do to help her. I know if I could keep her away from him that I could restore this woman's confidence in life and show her what real love and devotion is. She is putting herself on course for a self-imposed train wreck if she chooses to go back to him. I know I can't make her choice for her. But I don't want her to keep getting hurt. I know if she chooses to go back, I will have to walk away because I care too much for her to see her have everything crash again and go further down the spiral. It would hurt me to see that.

I have a very different perspective on this whole subject from this experience and from what I have researched. It tears me up to think about all of these women who go through this. I just would like to say to some of you that not all men are this way. I have given every ounce of devotion and love to the people I have been with in the past. Unfortunately for me, this was taken for granted, but I know when the right one comes along it will all ring clear and become an asset that makes someone happy for a long time. Wow... this site is amazing. I've seen my story here a hundred times. I have been married for two years and have recently come to the conclusion that my husband is an alcoholic and abusive. It started within a few months of marriage, when he got really angry (while drunk) for no rational reason. He knocked over furniture. He threw things at me, called me names, pulled my hair, and tried to choke me. This happened a few times during the next year, although he never actually hurt me physically, other than coughing while he was choking me. I mean he never hit me or left bruises or other marks. We were getting ready to move and I kept thinking things would be better after we moved. They were for a few months, but then he did the same thing again (names, pulling hair, choking me). He went out of town for a couple weeks and I realized that I was able to drive home from work and not worry about what I would find when I got there. He is retired, so he can starting drinking whenever he wants to. I found this site a couple weeks ago and decided to take action. I tried to talk to him about it, but he really had nothing to say other than that he loves me and he doesn't want to hurt me. But when he's drunk, it's another story altogether. I realized that the things I talked about when he was sober would come back to haunt me when he was drinking and after he had time to dwell on it for a couple days. We talked about the abuse again and he admitted choking me a couple years ago, but basically denied everything else and even told me I was fabricating it all. He says he gets mad because I argue too much. I have seen a counselor at the shelter and was convinced I needed to file for divorce. I started working on a plan. I have a place to go if I need to leave and a bag in my car with essentials. I have a separate bank account and my own credit cards. I am a strong willed woman with a military background, a graduate degree, and an excellent career. I have always said if anyone ever hurt me, I would be gone before daybreak... yet here I am... thinking about all the good times we have had and wondering if we will ever have them back again. I change from angry and strong to hurt and weak on a daily basis. I can't believe I didn't see this coming... he proposed to me 6 weeks after we started dating, but there were no other warning signs. He has a comment for everything I say, implying I am stupid or inferior in some other way. If I make a mistake, I get crucified... but if he makes a mistake, it's no big deal... "it can happen to anyone". He drinks every evening and I walk around on eggshells, never knowing when he will explode into another rage. I have purchased a couple books on abuse and alcoholism, and hope to get some insight from them and build some inner strength. I'm sure I have to divorce him. I don't really believe he wants to change, and therefore he won't. I love him but I have trouble believing he really loves me... how can you do such things to someone you love? Sometimes people stay because of threats to their family that they believe the abuser will carry out.

I too have seen my story here in bits and pieces. I have thought I was alone. I left my abusive husband after 15 years and 2 kids I sat for months after calling myself the some of the names he called me - idiot, stupid, dummy asking over and over why did I stay? Why didn't I call the police? I was married and had 2 kids before I was 25, my ex-husband first hit me when I was pregnant with my first and I was devastated I was 20 years old I had no family and no money I was not even allowed to drive a car. After each time he would apologize profusely and tell me if I would just not make him so mad he would not have to hit me. He would also say that no one would believe me that he hit me and he denies it even though I have pictures of the bruises. Each time I forgave him and would try not to misbehave so he would not "have" to hit me but it was always something. He would tell me that if I left he would kill me and cut me up in pieces and he would hurt my mother. My parents were not allowed in the house I was not allowed to have friends in the house or go anywhere with friends and if I did I was a "wh*re" he told my kids that I was a drug addict and an alcoholic when I rarely drink and never took drugs in my life. I finally had enough when he yanked me down a flight of steps by my hair and slammed my head into a wood desk and when I went to run he grabbed my arms so hard he broke all the blood vessels where he grabbed. To top it off when I was getting ready to leave he threw me down by kneeing me in the back bruising my backside flipped me over and bit me and choked me then threw a chair on top of me - my kids saw this I needed out it was leave or die. Now, in the divorce, he is trying to take my kids. I am fighting, and it has cost me everything money my job and all the "professionals" say that my ex "presents himself well" and as I read this page, I see many abusers do WHY don't the courts see this? On top of all of it, I am the one being persecuted the most because if I was abused, why did I stay? That's what they keep asking me - I was even told that if I stayed - I deserved it. To be a victim of abuse is devastating I still have nightmares that he will hurt me. I have to talk to him because the courts make me and no one wants to acknowledge his abuse. My whole world was torn apart I left with nothing and I left everything behind that I spent a lifetime working for (except my kids) and all I can say months and months later is THANK GOD I did - there is no material possession that replaces the happiness I am learning to get out of life even though he still has to be part of it I am learning to cope and I strongly suggest if you leave an abusive relationship seek therapy from a therapist trained in dealing with battered women - they need that training I did and I am healing and I am find myself for the first time in 15 years - Happy. Even with all the difficulties in starting over it is so worth it. If someone is calling you names, putting you down, isolating you from your network, hitting you and in any way, is unwelcome physically, acts aggressive towards you, threatens you in any way - Don't think about what comes after - RUN - RUN HARD AND FAST ASK FOR HELP - call a domestic hotline. Things tend to fall into place somehow, but don't stay in misery! Get out, and find happiness.

I've been there, so I have experience in this matter. Most people remain in an abusive relationship because they don't think they can do any better and convince themselves that they love this person and that things will improve. The individual needs to come to the realization that they can do better and they are better off not being in a relationship of this nature.

I am not really sure what you mean by "divorcing" parents but the law (in Colorado at least) says that as long as you have a job, transportation and roomates then you can move away from your parents. Unless you're being physically abused, hang in one more year, then when you turn 18 you will be LEGALLY free to move out, be on your own, and never have to deal with your parents again if you so choose. Divorcing ones parents is a complicated and rare thing to be granted in the court system.

Hitting a child anywhere (except the buttocks in limited cases) is considered abuse.

Beating is physical abuse. Cursing and berating the child is verbal and emotional abuse. These are abusive behaviors par excellence.

In addition to the above, other forms of child abuse are sexual abuse and child neglect.

You basicly know you get child abuse when they make you bleed or brused. My parents hit me and tell me to kill myself. I never knew it was child abuse until this year (im 14) when i finally got help.

Some people just like winning an argument. Some people simply enjoy debating.

Yes, you can trust after being abused. Just not the abuser. Forgiving them sets you free, but never forget. You have to set boundaries for yourself, perhaps relearning ones that are reasonable. Among other things, people you can trust will reciprocate in kind behavior, will not take advantage of you or manipulate your best intentions, will listen and respond to your needs and so on. Their actions will reflect their integrity. To have a close relationship with anyone, you have to let the guard down judiciously, and trust them. I think many of us did not get the emotional education we needed to learn this. For millions of years nature embedded in us the notion that the past can teach us a lot about the future. This is very useful for survival. And it is also mostly true with inanimate objects. With humans the story is somewhat different: it is reasonable to learn from someone's past behaviour about his future behaviour (even though this proves erroneous some of the time). But it is mistaken to learn from someone's behaviour about other people's. Actually, most psychotherapy is nothing but the attempt to disentangle past from present, to teach the patient that the past is no more and has no reign over him anymore, unless the patient lets it. Our natural tendency is to trust, because we trust our parents. It feels good to really trust. It is also an essential component of love and an important test. Love without trust is dependence masquerading as love. We must trust, it is almost biological. Most of the time, we do trust. We trust the universe to behave according to the laws of physics, our army not to go mad and shoot us all, our nearest and dearest not to betray us. When trust is broken, the feeling is that a part of us dies, is hollowed out. Not to trust is abnormal and is the outcome of bitter or even traumatic life experiences. Mistrust or distrust are induced not by our own thoughts, nor by some device or machination of ours - but by life's sad circumstances. To continue not to trust is to reward the people who wronged us and made us distrustful in the first place. These people have long abandoned us and yet they still have a great, malignant, influence on our lives. This is the irony of the lack of trust. So, some of us prefer not to experience this sinking feeling: not to trust and not to be disappointed. This is both a fallacy and a folly. Trusting releases enormous amounts of mental energy, which is better invested elsewhere. But trust - like knives - can be dangerous to your health if used improperly. You have to know WHO to trust, you have to learn HOW to trust and you have to know HOW to CONFIRM the existence of a functioning trust. People often disappoint and are not worthy of trust. Some people act arbitrarily, treacherously and viciously, or, worse, offhandedly. You have to select the targets of your trust carefully. He who has the most common interests with you, who is investing in you for the long haul, who is incapable of breaching trust ("a good person"), who doesn't have much to gain from betraying you - is not likely to mislead you. These people you can trust. You should not trust indiscriminately. No one is completely trustworthy in all fields. Most often our disappointments stem from our inability to separate one area of life from another. A person could be sexually loyal - but utterly dangerous when it comes to money (for instance, a gambler). Or a good, reliable father - but a womaniser. You can trust someone to carry out some types of activities - but not others, because they are more complicated, more boring, or do not appeal to his conscience. We should not trust with reservations - this is the kind of "trust" that is common in business and among criminals and its source is rational. Game Theory in mathematics deals with questions of calculated trust. We should trust wholeheartedly but know who to entrust with what. Then we will be rarely disappointed. (continued) As opposed to popular opinion, trust must be put to the test, lest it goes stale and staid. We are all somewhat paranoid. The world around us is so complex, so inexplicable, so overwhelming - that we find refuge in the invention of superior forces. Some forces are benign (God) - some arbitrarily conspiratorial in nature. There must be an explanation, we feel, to all these amazing coincidences, to our existence, to events around us. This tendency to introduce external powers and ulterior motives permeates human relations, as well. We gradually grow suspicious, inadvertently hunt for clues of infidelity or worse, masochistically relieved, even happy when we find some. The more often we successfully test the trust established, the stronger our pattern-prone brain embraces it. Constantly in a precarious balance, our brain needs and devours reinforcements. Such testing should not be explicit - it should be deduced from circumstances. Your husband could easily have had a mistress or your partner could easily have stolen your money - and, behold, they haven't. They passed the test. Trust is based on the ability to predict the future. It is not so much the act of betrayal that we react to - as it is the feeling that the very foundations of our world are crumbling, that it is no longer safe because it is no longer predictable. These are the throes of death of one theory - and the birth of another, as yet untested. Here is another important lesson: whatever the act of betrayal (with the exception of grave criminal corporeal acts) - it is frequently limited, confined, negligible. Naturally, we tend to exaggerate the importance of the event. This serves a double purpose: indirectly it aggrandises us. If we a "worthy" of such an unprecedented, unheard of, major betrayal - we must be worth while. The magnitude of the betrayal reflects on us and re-establishes the fragile balance of powers between us and the universe. The second purpose is simply to gain sympathy and empathy - mainly from ourselves, but also from others. Catastrophes are a dozen a dime and in today's world it is difficult to provoke anyone to regard your personal disaster as anything exceptional. Amplifying the event has, therefore, some very utilitarian purposes. But, finally, the emotional lie is poisons his mental circulation of the liar. Re-proportioning, reordering and putting the event in perspective will go a long way towards the commencement of a healing process. No betrayal stamps the world irreversibly or eliminates other possibilities, opportunities, chances and people. Time goes on, people meet and part, lovers quarrel and make love, dear ones live and die. It is the very essence of time that it erodes us all to the finest dust. Our only weapon - however crude and maybe unwise - against this unstoppable process is to trust each other.

Mine doesn't, but if yours does then you need to tell someone and get out of that relationship. He obviously has innate issues that he needs to solve before he's ready to be in a relationship. You need to know that no girl deserves to be hit ever, ever, ever, and if you're making excuses for him, STOP, because the longer you make excuses for him the longer he's going to go without help he needs.

Sometimes. An abused child often keeps to themselves. However that doesn't every child that's shy has been abused. You can usually tell if you see many markings on the arms and body. The child can be depressed.

I would find a group in your area. One that focuses on sexual abuse. It is very important that you talk about it and get the right help. Not from friends or family. They won't be able to offer the help that is needed. It is important that you talk to a professional because it will effect you the rest of your life, with ever relationship you or the person attempt to have.

Sorry to say hope is very low. Narcissistic Personality Disorder While grandiosity is the diagnostic hallmark of pathological narcissism, there is research evidence that pathological narcissism occurs in two forms, (a) a grandiose state of mind in young adults that can be corrected by life experiences, and (b) the stable disorder described in DSM-IV, which is defined less by grandiosity than by severely disturbed interpersonal relations. The preferred theory seems to be that narcissism is caused by very early affective deprivation, yet the clinical material tends to describe narcissists as unwilling rather than unable, thus treating narcissistic behaviors as volitional -- that is, narcissism is termed a personality disorder, but it tends to be discussed as a character disorder. This distinction is important to prognosis and treatment possibilities. If NPD is caused by infantile damage and consequent developmental short-circuits, it probably represents an irremediable condition. On the other hand, if narcissism is a behavior pattern that's learned, then there is some hope, however tenuous, that it's a behavior pattern that can be unlearned. The clinical literature on NPD is highly theoretical, abstract, and general, with sparse case material, suggesting that clinical writers have little experience with narcissism in the flesh. There are several reasons for this to be so: -- The incidence of NPD is estimated at 1% in the general population, though I haven't been able to discover the basis of this estimate. -- Narcissists rarely enter treatment and, once in treatment, progress very slowly. We're talking about two or more years of frequent sessions before the narcissist can acknowledge even that the therapist is sometimes helpful. It's difficult to keep narcissists in treatment long enough for improvement to be made -- and few people, narcissists or not, have the motivation or the money to pursue treatment that produces so little so late. -- Because of the influence of third-party payers (insurance companies), there has been a strong trend towards short-term therapy that concentrates on ameliorating acute troubles, such as depression, rather than delving into underlying chronic problems. Narcissists are very reluctant to open up and trust, so it's possible that their NPD is not even recognized by therapists in short-term treatment. Purely anecdotal evidence from correspondents and from observations of people I know indicates that selective serotonin-reuptake inhibitors, such as Prozac, aggravate narcissists' grandiosity and lack of social inhibition. It has also been suggested that self-help literature about bolstering self-esteem and getting what you want out of life or that encourages the feeling of victimization has aggravating effects on NPD thinking and behavior. -- Most clinical writers seem unaware that narcissists' self-reports are unreliable. This is troubling, considering that lying is the most common complaint about narcissists and that, in many instances, defects of empathy lead narcissists to wildly inaccurate misinterpretations of other people's speech and actions, so that they may believe that they are liked and respected despite a history of callous and exploitative personal interactions.

To stop violence so many things must be put in place and the government must be the basis to the solution of this problem. 1. employment must be giving to the youth who mostly are the instrument for violent act. 2. good and quality education must be given to the student. 3.they must ensure that life is suitable for an average citizen. In other words food and materials should be made available and afordable for all.for this to be effective the inflaction of goods and services must be control. 4.Payment of taxes must not be equal. 5.politicians who allows these young people to work for them thurgs should stop it in other to help the society. 5.More importantly, the youths involved in this act should change and get themselves occupied with something reasonable. 6.To crown it with an adage that says train up a child in the way he should go so that when he grows he will not depart from it. This is applicable to the parents and guardians. Mercy Olo Anyekemah Edo state, Nigeria.

Abusive men are all about control. I swear they have never come out of the caveman stage. Gone are the days of man hunting and the woman chewing hides! LOL Some men don't get it and it's learned from either the environment they were brought up in, or if they've had a problem somewhere in their adult life such as a woman or women controlling them in the past, or perhaps even losing a job or missing out on a promotion. Some men are just plain mean to the bone. Abusive men are actually weak and, in ways they are to be pitied because their emotions are out of control like a locomotive. They actually do know something is wrong, but often don't know what to do about it and most never will go for counseling because they consider this a weakness. They need to feel safe in their own little world and the only way they can attain this is by controlling those around them in the privacy of their own home. Abusive men just don't abuse their wives, girlfriends, but also children and sometimes the elderly and yes, even pets! They are smart enough to know that they can't get away with this behavior at work or out in society. Abusers will seldom act out while out in public for fear of retribution from another male. They are afraid to face someone of their own strength! When they assert their dominance and authority it's to control their situation to make them feel safe and secure. Oddly enough, all the things they blame the victim for are the very things they feel weak in. EXAMPLE: If they blame their victim for being weak and needy and they can't get out on their own and wouldn't survive without them, it's actually the opposite. Many abusers actually love their mate and are so fearful of losing them they will try to scare them and also brain-wash them from leaving. It's the only tools an abuser has. Abusers have always been around since the time of man, but it was acceptable behavior in olden days, then in the mid-30s up it was hidden (the woman felt ashamed and there was little help at that time) but, since the 60s women are fighting back now. There are many women out there that have formed groups such as "The Abused Women's Centers" and "Transitions Houses (safe houses), programs, taking self-defence courses and laws are slowly, but surely being changed to protect the victim. Young women of today should actually know there is no reason they have to stay in an abusive relationship. Good luck Marcy

To be honest time is what it's going to take to get over him I know what you're going through me and my ex have been broken up for over a year and we were together four years and we still have mad love for each other we are in the process of trying to get back together so I guess what I really should tell you is if you love him and you really love him and you feel like you gotta chance take it you may never stop thinking about him but for the time being maybe you should try to talk to someone else or just get out and mingle with other people to help you get over your ex but really it's going to take time time heals all things and prayer does too!!

The first thing you must do is avoid him. Once your brain is not getting input and feedback on him, pretty soon it will find other avenues to channel its energy. If you don't see, talk or ask anyone about him you will become bored of going over the same old things in your head. But if you continue to hang on it will just drag it out.Also get out and meet men. That's another way to replace the thoughts of him. I think it takes about 6 months then your over the worst then after that it dwindles quicker and quicker to indifference.

Report abuse to any person that you trust completely.

There are many reasons why a person would talk about you in positive and negative ways, for example...

-They are jelous of something you have or are

-They heard something about you and are spreading the rumor

-They want to make you angry

-They like you

-You have something on your face or on your butt ect

-You are too loud and obnoctious

-You are too quiet

-They suspect that something is wrong

-Or they are planing something

There are many other reasons why someone would talk about you it is natural and it happens to everybody.

You shouldn't have to handle them. The only contact you should have is for the childrens visitation, school and medical decisions. Bring someone with you as much as possible when you have to be around them, abusive people tend to back off when they have witnesses. Write down what they do that is abusive and go to the judge that handled the divorce and see what they think...Let the abuser know in no uncertain terms that you will not tolerate their ways anymore, scream it at the top of your lungs, with some supportive family and friends present. Give them a taste of their own medicine, see how they like it...

according to amnesty international...more than 70% of women get killed by their fathers, brothers, husbands, relatives & other unknown men/strangers. but almost all females get abused by men verbally at some point in their lifetime.

Probably. If a guy hits once, he tends to hit againa and again. ANSWER I would not give him the chance to hit you again. I would leave, run, drive, as far away as I could, file charges and never talk to him again or even listen to what they have to say. The first time a guy hits you it is not your falt but the second time is.

Fomenting one part of society from the same society to terrorise

Flat out leave the guy. Tell him no and that you know he won't change. If you stay strong, he will know you mean it.

Keep in mind, even if he does know you mean it, just leave and don't stay. Controlling relationships can quickly become abusive, and then it might be too late. The sooner you leave, the better.

A note from Mythology0000:

Another thing you should try to do is work it out. Be nice, give him a chance. If he's still not cooperating, then do what Mooper64 said.

you might want to use something more nice and respectable l am girl my self and sweet things a guy could say is for example , l love you more then anything in this world , u mean the world to me , l will always love you , your always the first thing l think about when l wake up and so on ..... Hope that helps =)

There are numerous factors that may make a person more susceptible to abuse. The factors include if one has low self esteem or self worth, if they have had abuse before, nobody to protect them, and the mentally ill.