Breakups

In our culture of naively blissful engagements culminated by blowout gala weddings, the idea of halting the engagement fast train and disembarking from the euphoria is absurd. In reality, the act of being engaged doesn’t necessarily guarantee a happily ever after. Besides the emotional distress, there are logistical issues to handle when a wedding gets called off - here's what you can expect:It’s sadly ironic that during a time intended to prepare for lifelong commitment, it’s the relationship with your fiancé that often suffers neglect. In our culture of naively blissful engagements culminated by blowout gala weddings, the idea of halting the engagement fast train and disembarking from the euphoria is absurd. Caught up in exponential to-do lists of wedding planning, couples will head to the altar amidst serious misgivings and uncertainty - anything to avoid the hideously ugly and seemingly permanent blemish of a broken engagement.

In reality, the act of being engaged doesn’t necessarily guarantee a happily ever after. If a pre-nuptial couple faces indisputable evidence that their relationship isn’t working, calling off the wedding is sometimes the healthier alternative to saying "I do" with reservations. Unfortunately, these couples often have no where to turn for advice and counsel; there’s no arsenal of planning tips and checklists to prepare them for the emotional roller coaster that is about to ensue.

So what should you do when you find yourself in the middle of a wedding that almost was? Try to envision not a broken engagement, but rather a broken marriage – complete with lawyers, custody battles and alimony payments. If you can realize that a broken engagement is far superior to a broken marriage, you will have accomplished the first step in calling of the wedding – which is emotional acceptance of the decision. Only then can you successfully tackle the necessary steps to get your life back on track.

Talk with Your Fiance; Take the Next Steps Together

Regardless of who broke the engagement, the conversation with your (former) fiancé will be intensely emotional and most likely uncomfortable. You’re either the bad guy, feeling a combination of guilt, uncertainty and relief. Or you’re the jilted one – feeling a combination of sorrow, embarrassment, maybe even deceit. Even if the decision was mutual, you both may feel guilt and shame when faced with notifying your families and friends.

Although painful, the soul searching conversation is essential to the healing process. If breaking the engagement wasn’t mutual, talking it out to at least understand the other’s feelings will help you both take the next steps.

Keep in mind, however, that deciding not to marry usually ends the relationship. Reversing from engagement back to dating just doesn’t work. After you have handled the details of canceling the wedding together, both of you should mentally prepare to get through this as individuals.

Notify Family and Closest Friends, Including the Bridal Party

After you and your fiancé arrive at an agreement, or at least an understanding, you need to notify your immediate family and closest friends. Both sides will probably be surprised, especially if you’ve managed to conceal your ambivalence. Regardless of the circumstances that caused the broken engagement, try not to allow either side dwell on anger or blame. Remind them – and yourself – that he should only marry someone who really wants to marry him, and you should only marry someone who really wants to marry you. Your families and friends need to allow you to get on with your lives.

Contact Your Vendors

As soon as possible, contact all vendors to cancel arrangements and recoup any deposits. This task may prove overwhelming during this time of emotional turmoil; if the situation is too raw, a family member or close friend can make these arrangements.

Whether or not you can recover your deposits depends on the contract terms and how close to the wedding date you cancel. Most contracts have a refund policy, so you should be able to get back a percentage of your deposit if you cancel by a certain date.

Unfortunately wedding insurance will not help here, as these policies typically "cover everything but a change of heart." Other costs you probably won’t recover are your wedding dress and honeymoon deposits. Both are usually backed by tight non-refundable cancellation policies.

Like a Band-Aid - Notify the Rest

Soon after you've spoken with your fiancé, your families and closest friends, you will need to personally inform each guest that you’ve cancelled the wedding. You are under no obligation to explain the reason behind the cancellation; simply letting them know is enough.

If invitations have not been sent:

Send a handwritten note to each guest explaining your decision. If any gifts (shower, engagement or wedding) have already arrived, you should return the gift and thanks along with the note.

To simply the process, you can send printed cards worded similarly to invitations:

Example:

Mr. and Mrs. John Doe

announce that the marriage of

their daughter

Jane Marie

to

Tom Smith

will not take place

We appreciate your support during this difficult time for our family

If invitations have already been sent:

Guests need to know immediately so they can make necessary arrangements. There won’t be time to send a written note; therefore, someone will need to call every guest to explain. If the bride and groom find they cannot face this task, family or close friends can do the job. The bride and groom may want to send a personal note after the fact, especially if gifts have already arrived. Again, any gifts should be returned along with a thank you note.

The Ring Dilemma

So just who gets to keep the engagement ring? If the ring was a gift, most etiquette resources suggest that the woman should at least offer to return it, especially if she ended the engagement. If the man called it off, she could opt to keep the ring, although she may rather return it to avoid a painful reminder of a failed engagement.

If the ring is a family heirloom, however, the couple should return it to the family it came from, regardless of who called off the wedding.

If the couple bought and paid for the ring together, they will need to decide what to do with it together, as they would with any other significant joint purchases.

If you and your fiancé cannot arrive at an amicable agreement, you will need to consult with a local attorney for the legal specifics in your state.

Getting on with Your Life

Getting over a broken engagement only begins with the official cancellation. Once you’ve tended to the messy details, the real healing process begins. An emotional journey lies ahead, and to get through it you’ll need the support of your friends and family. Those who have been your supporters from the moment you made the announcement are still there for you. Don’t be afraid to lean on them.

As you begin to pick up the pieces, short-term anxieties may threaten to overwhelm: Money may be tight due to all the wedding expenses and your new status as a single woman; you may have to find a new place to live; you may worry that you’ll never meet anyone else. Try to remember that you’re going through this for the sake of your long term well-being.

Fast forward your mind to one year from now... You’re getting ready for a night out with your girlfriends when your mind reflects on the first month after you called off your wedding. Your memory may be foggy, but your resolve that it was for the best will be clear. You’ll reflect on your personal growth during this ordeal. You may even be thankful for a new relationship that was allowed to flourish due to the end of one that never would. You’ll have stared down an imposing obstacle and triumphed. You’ll have learned more about yourself and what you can survive than you would ever imagine.

Source: Cori Russell, Buzzle.com (http://www.buzzle.com/articles/calling-off-wedding-how-to-survive-broken-engagement.html)

if he ignores you he does not like you he is thinking of another girl.

^ that person does not know what there talking about !
if he has told you he likes you, and then at school or what ever he ignores you -- but looks at you sometimes then he really really really likes you ! because he likes you that much he gets nervous even if hes like a really confident guy, and it usually happens when they find you attractive aswell because they feel insicure and embarrased soo they dont talk to you. on of my good friends likes me and i like him and on msn he talkes to me all the time and at school he doesnt talk to me anymore but hes friends with all my friends so when were all talking he just wont look at me bcos hes nervous so he probobly really likes you -- if he use to talk to you abit ago then he likes you.

I Guees, that's a burning question for all of us, male or female ...i guess my retort is:

ultimately, what are the primary and absolute needs in your relationship? that is: what is it you must have in order to feel happy, content and safe within a realtionship? Being male myself i sometimes find myself closed and secretive when it comes to relationships, However, i belive your statement is a bit generalistic since woman can also be as closed minded and secretive..i certainly don't belive men have a monopoly on this social missbehaviour.

the important thing to see is, wether you concern yourself with wether your ideal ideals are that of fantacy and not of a realistic address.

i too have asked asked as a man, are respect, communication and security all part of our grandparents ideal and not one that should be toyed with now??

If i was to start by mentioning my own thoughts, i would have to start with my need for respect, and as simple as that word may seem, ones ability to be able to communicate, honestly without the need to yell or, become aggressive, or even repress and shut down, seems to be an attribute that few people can can endure--male or female. its simple..DON'T Screw AROUND--be faithfull and loyal to your partner, speak of the other like you want them to speak of you, never demoralize or trivialize the others wants needs or concerns and beyond all: don't cast dispertions behind there back, no matter how trivial you feel they may be

Next, ones ability to communicate, in a fashion that promotes respect and forward motion during both comunication as well as the functionality of a relationship--quite often when debating issues that are emotional in nature, one party fails to see the legitimacy of the others concern; trivializing what the other feels to be a warranted concern( i admit I've done this myself--unintentionally of course)--and thereby failing to provide validation--and ultamatly frustrating the other and in your words becoming "closed and secretive" . it is said, and i agree full heartidly, that its important to not only recognize what there needs are but for them to recognize your own--what is said may not always be what you feel to be important; however, the person your with is (or at least should be), and what's important to him/her is important to you; i myself trully try to respect that and, expect the same when in a relationship, and when not recipricated human nature is to become closed and secretive --it doesnt come naturally but it is something iyou must work on--The last thing most people want is to hurt the one they care for.

Beyond all; however, a need to feel secure in your decision to show affection and knowing, that your vulnerabilities are protected. ( the social construct is that men shouldn't feel emotions on any real level, however, this is symply not the fact, and alot of men are conflicted and pulled by social wants and their own wants--the whole nature nuture debate on a different lvl . how wonderfull would it be to feel satifaction in simply knowing i love her without the need for reasurence; however, most are not that secure, one must know, feel and hear that they are loved; and, this can be done in a multitude of ways form simply saying once a day: i love you, to small gestures of romance and affection--a simple hug can never be gratuitous. it really sucks to feel that you love the other way more than they love you. the worst thing, i have found, is to become complacent after years, or sometimes months, in a relationship (male or female). if the person I'm with can show them simple characteristics they have the means to be someone quite special in my heart--and if they can't, well, like you said its easy at that point to become closed off in an effort to protect yourself

good luck i hope i helped and sweet dreams-we all have them

Women are emotional creatures that bond from verbal communication. Men generally aren't built for verbal, emotional conversation; but more for physical activities. It's not that we are secretive, but have no interest in sharing their feelings. If a guy opens up a little, a woman will pick-axe her way into his inner being. After learning that lesson, he is less apt to want to open up. Many women tend to be manipulative and go overboard in trying create scenarios based on some inner feeling a man may have expressed, turning a normal situation into a circus. Men have no need to visit their feelings, we don't usually know what our feelings are. Why think about something that don't want to, not see any point in what we will do with it if it comes up.

You're getting what you well deserve! She flaunting the fact she's got her act together and who needs you! Hope you learn a lesson from this??????

Marcy

• when you say you abused her, what do you mean? Anyway, I would be concentrating on getting some therapy to help you combat abusive behaviour. Now I am not trying to make you feel bad, but If you want to ever have a good relationship with any girl, you have to treat her very well. Please do yourself and any girl that you ever get involved with a favour - get help today. You can be a better person. Don't get discouraged - you can unlearn abusive behaviour if you really want to. - Call your family doctor and get a referral to a behavioral therapist. This is your once chance at having a fulfilling relationship. If your ex girlfriend sees that you have changed, she will come back if she still loves you. Don't try to get her back if you haven't changed - she will just tell you where to go and how to get there. You also owe her a big apology for how you have mistreated her. Give us an update on how you are getting help and what steps you have taken to have a better life.

Try to find your confidence. You need to appear strong, and have a belief that what you are saying is correct and that you deserve more. Back up your points with examples.

It's also best to not be too intimidating. When yelled at, most people will close their ears and you will lose their attention. Try speaking calmly so as not to scare them off.