Divorce

You should arrange a consultation with an attorney and ask about the possibility of your husband being required to pay your legal costs if you can prove he is abusive. Ask friends, co-workers, relatives, neighbors, etc., if any have heard of any lawyers who did a good job representing clients in your position.

Also, many larger cities have programs where you can get an attorney to help you for free if you can show need - which is most likely you can in this type of situation. In addition, there is assistance at shelters for abused/battered women and a person can always contact one of these types of shelters and they can direct you to an attorney that can help you. Look up the phone number for the state bar in the state where you live. You can google something like "state bar of name of your state" and call or email them. They can provide you with information for "pro bono" attorneys (attorneys that do work for free). There are lots of options out there so don't give up and don't stay with someone who is abusive to you. Life is too short for that and no one deserves to live like that.

This is a question that you can only answer for yourself. There is a more important issue here and that is your relationship. The "homewrecker" may not have known that your spouse was married. If he or she did, then that person shares some of the blame. However, it is unlikely that your cheating spouse believed the homewrecker to be his or her "soulmate." As such, the cheating could have occurred with any number of people.

Do you still love your spouse? If so, then speak to your spouse and try to fix the marriage. This may mean speaking with a marriage counselor, a clergyman or other trusted person. You have to decide if this infidelity is unpardonable and requires a divorce. If not, then you may try to save the marriage.

If you have decided that the marriage is not salvagable, then speak to a divorce attorney right away. You need to know your legal rights. For all you know, the conversation with your divorce attorney may make you reconsider your original decision.

Whatever you do, violence is not the answer. Do not threaten or assault the "homewrecker." This will not help you at all. In fact, it can only harm you.

Answer

By your use of the term 'homewrecker' it is clear that you have not viewed this situation honestly. The only problem you can/should address in this situation is your spouse. Your spouse is the one who strayed. It is not the fault of the other person who is involved. They owe no duty to you. Only your spouse does. You need to ask why your spouse allowed the situation to develop in the first place, what is wrong in your marriage, can it be fixed, do you want to fix it and does your spouse want to fix it. The only person who can remove the other party involved is your spouse. You each need to decide on where you go from here.

That depends on your relationship with your child's father. You'll have to consider the situation carefully; while he might appreciate the gesture, it could also seem passive aggressive.

Ask yourself a few questions:

• How will the father interpret the gesture? If you've got a decent relationship with your child's father, you should have a decent idea of his mindset. If child support payments are causing stress, but he seems dedicated to being involved in your child's life, thanking him could be a positive gesture.
  If, however, you're not on friendly terms with your ex, a simple “thanks" might seem like you're celebrating the fact that he has to make payments. The way that you deliver the message will certainly make a difference, but if you're on the fence at all, you probably shouldn't thank him.
• Are you still fighting your ex in court? Most attorneys will recommend minimizing contact when you're working through serious legal issues. While it's unlikely that a simple “thanks" will negatively affect your position, you might want to avoid unnecessary communications until the legal issues are resolved.
• Is the father complying with child support obligations in a timely manner? If your ex has been inconsistent with payments, there's certainly no reason to thank him—and the gesture probably won't seem too genuine.
  In 2011, men only made 61 percent of their child support payments, and if you're dealing with an irresponsible ex, you're undoubtedly frustrated. With that in mind, you should only consider an expression of gratitude if you actually feel gratitude. Otherwise, it's possible that you're still harboring ill feelings and you want a guilt-free way to start an argument.
• Could you thank him in a different way? Even if you're on good terms with your ex, saying "thanks for the child support" might seem slightly odd. Saying something like “thanks for being a great father" could be a much healthier way to express the sentiment (provided, of course, that he's a great father). Assuming that he's in your child's life, he probably won't want to be reduced to his financial obligations, so try acknowledging his other efforts.

Ultimately, this is a gray area in etiquette. You'll have to look at the situation carefully to determine what's right for you. With that said, there's certainly nothing wrong with being polite. The safest course of action is probably to thank him for being a father, and let him know that you recognize his efforts—but don't bring up the money specifically.