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Abusive Relationships and Domestic Violence
An abusive relationship is a relationship in which a person is victim to the use or threat of being physically or psychologically abused. Here you can ask questions about abusive relationships such as how to spot it, and how to get yourself or others help.
3,885 Questions
I know as a mother it's difficult for you to see your daughter put up with this behavior from her husband, but when did kids ever listen to their parents? Your daughter is 27 and she needs to find her own way (as hard as I know it is for you.) Unless she can get out of this vicious circle on her own she will never stand on her own two feet.
I hope that you have left your own abusive husband because if you haven't then your daughter will not respect your remarks about her own abusive marriage.
Just sit down casually with her (don't nag) and tell her you are always there for her and she always has home to come back too (if you live alone). Tell her you love her. Many of us love people, but seldom say it enough.
If she continues to come over to visit you with one story after the other about her abusive environment then you are going to have to practice tough love and say, "I love you with all my heart and it hurts me to see you in this abusive relationship, but unless you can step up to the plate and get away from this guy I don't want to hear you whining about it." I know that's a tough one for you, but if you are willing to look and listen to what is going on it will continue to go on. Don't make yourself so available to her and never make yourself an enabler.
Your daughter has a lot of anger built up in her (probably from her father's abusive manner) and has low self-esteem. Remind her that she is part of you too, and she has the strength you do and thousands of other women do. If you feel you need to help in some way then join a group that deals with abuse. They have all types of workshops lined up to help those that have to sit by and watch a loved one suffer from abuse.
If your daughter is physically abused and she should phone you crying and she has any bruises, split lip, blackened eyes, teeth missing or bones broken, you phone the police! The police will come, a woman officer will photograph her injuries and she will receive good medical care. Her husband can have charges laid against him from the police without your daughter having too and the police always do lay charges. The police also help out to place your daughter in a "safe house" and find her some counselling that she needs.
Good luckMarcy
AnswerI think you should maybe ask her to go for coffee. Then let her dump it all out on the table. Let her speak. Listen to her. Let her get it all out as she probably hasn't been heard if shes with an abuser. Then offer clear suggestions and tell her of her good qualities. Let her know that life is too short for a man like that. Then give her Lundy Bancrofts book " Why does he do that, inside the minds of angry and controlling men." It will answer all questions about abusive men and relationships. It is the best book ever written on domestic violence.Dear Sally,
Thanks for writing such a long and funny letter. I always enjoy reading what you've been doing.
I've recently been on holidays with my sister Anna. We were saving as much money as we could only for one reason: LONDON, the city of our dreams. We are absolutely fascinated by the city, it's really awesome! As you know, London is the capital city of England and it's on the River Thames. Anna and I stayed at a luxurious hotel called "London Marriot Hotel" very close to the city center. We tried to do as much things as we could, only in 5 days.
We spend a fortune on the flight on the famous London Eye. In only 30 minutes we saw more that fifty London's most famous landmarks! After the flight, Anna and I went to watch Changing the Guard, which takes place inside the railings of Buckingham Palace. The Queen's Guard is always accompanied by a band and the ceremony lasts 45 minutes. It was really amazing! Also, we took some photos
In short, if someone gets hurt or killed or is unhappy with it, then you need to stop. It is not exactly abuse, but it is harassment. There is no need to read anything else.
Tickling and AbuseIf you asked him/her to stop and s/he goes on despite your protestations and pleas - it is abusive.
Most people don't consider ticking someone breathless abuse, but the other poster is right. While some people aren't even ticklish the majority are. Tickling someone relentlessly causes breathlessness and can lead to choking or even vomiting. When asked to stop the tickler should! Too often an adult pins a child down in play and tickles the child. When the child screams out that they want it stopped the adult continues. It is abuse plain and simple. A little tickling goes a long way.
Put it this way, the "Chinese Water Torture" (letting one drop of water fall on a tied down victim's forehead for hours) is not painful in the least, but the monotony of that one drop of water can drive a person insane.
Everybody reacts to tickling differently. Many folks have multiple tickle spots with some of the areas sensitive. While there are others who may not have any tickle spots, the bottom of the feet were supposedly everybody's tickle spot. A lot of the answer lies in the word "excessive". There is a great amount of energy and adrenalin put out to endure the over kill tickle. As the partner doing the tickling displays what looks to be that of a "very satisfied emotion", they are actually getting enjoyment watching you trying to endure this excess tickle, until stopped.
Forcing a child or adult to comply to something they do not like such as this tickling regiment is simply not right. The child will grow angry from frustration and it's just not acceptable. The tickler has a mean streak! Plain and simple! It's called "control!"
Remember, we teach our children and have been taught ourselves that if someone is touching us in an inappropriate manner (not just sexual either) we have the right to say NO and that "no" should be taken seriously.
Don't blame yourself. Most people will try tickling another and "tickling" never seems to be an abusive action, but when it's forced on someone that doesn't like it and it goes on and on, then it's simply abuse and a control factor. Still waters run deep.
Next time ... say NO and mean it!
Well, tickling is great when people are playing and they can say YES to a certain point but we must attuned to the fact that when we go to far when tickling someone, it can be serious. The fact is: tickling can for some be something like pleasure for example when we grab the feet of someone and we tickle the soles of the feet, in a soft way, it can relax and be something good and that person may like it. But when we are talking of someone very ticklish, we must be careful because, for that person, tickling isn't seen like a playing way but like a TORTURE and it is on that point that we must stop because it really can turn a person crazy and people really can lose their minds with that torment. When they are in ticklish agony, they can't breathe perfectly and the nervous system reacts to it causing sometimes a bad feeling. Tickling was used, too, in the time of the Romans, like a method of torture to get information and some people even died of so much tickling! We must respect the person that we are tickling especially if we are tickling on the most ticklish spot of the body: the FEET!
It is all a matter of how it is used. For instance, take the situation of a young child, and a parent. Even though it isn't/wasn't meant to be abuse, it is. Sure, you were just having fun with your kid but next time, instead of tickling, even after you are asked/told to stop by your child, maybe tickle them for a period of time, stop, and if the child enjoyed it, try it again. Who knows, they might even try to tickle you back. This whole concept is usually fun, and taken in a "happy" manor, and usually results with a positive reaction, just as long as you are tickling, and not hurting. And don't do things that aren't comfortable with the other person, and you should be able to tell when you've overstepped your boundaries by the tone, even if it is smothered with laughter. The bottom line is, with children, they aren't built the way we are yet, and when they say "stop", it should be obeyed. Teens, and adults on the other hand know what they are getting into, and should be prepared with what happens.
"Excessive" is the operative word. If it's taken to a level where it's painful, or continued after the person has been asked to stop (if you aren't 100% sure you can tell a playful "Hey, cut it out!" from the person truly wanting it stopped, then don't do it. Always err on the side of not abusing.) Also, the circumstances matter: a normally non- abusive amount of tickling when the person is carrying something (thus making him/her drop it and have to clean it up, break it, etc.) or has to go to the bathroom (thus making him/her have an accident though it would normally take an amount considered abusive) or other circumstances where it would be harmful or create problems for the person would be abuse.
And the person being tickled always has the last word on where the line between fun and harm is drawn. Permission is also the element that separates sex from rape, or accepting a gift from theft, or a visit from a home invasion. It applies here, and is the one thing that decides whether or not this a game or a violent act.
Sometimes tickling can be about fun and nothing more. Sometimes, however, it can be used to control and intimidate. If someone makes you suffer against your will, no matter what the method, it is abuse.
ANSWER
Tickling can be a whole lot of fun when both the he and the her respect each others' boundaries, which is an absolute must. Tickling involves personal contact, and must be consensual. If it is not, then it is abuse!
ANSWER
Claiming that tickling is abuse is ridiculous. How many people honestly are harmed while being tickled? It's not like complete strangers come up and abuse you in the street by tickling you. Claiming that you're harming your children by tickling them is absurd. It's part of this culture and you can't point your fingers at someone and claim they are abusive just because you have an issue with being tickled.
ANSWER
Just like anything else it can be good or bad. Excessive tickling is far worse than a simple beating. The tickler is bigger and stronger than you and has you pinned beneath them. Its very painful and you have no control over simple reflexive actions of your body. Its like this person has hijacked your body and you are powerless.
ANSWER
The phrase, "Its like this person has hijacked your body and you are powerless" is bang on. And yet because you are laughing, it seems as if the whole experience should be fun. You're frantic contortions to escape the tickling and yet your desperate laughter from the tickling make for a potent psychological combination of agonizingly pleasurable hysterics.
ANSWER
No tickling is not good particularly the person who are ticklish. Maybe you can give him/her some test tickles but continuing it is doing harm to him/her. But tickling a child who is really helpless is an abuse... straight and simple.
ANSWER
The main problem is that it is too easy for the tickler to go overboard. We've all been tickled beyond our comfort zone, so we know that agonizing helplessness, laughter verging on hysteria, the frantic desperation for it to stop yet caught up by the intense sensation. The intense sensation makes it very hard for the person to indicate that they have had enough. It is very easy to cause breathless laughter and eye rolling panic in a very ticklish person, so that their body is totally under the tickler's control. If the tickler is not sensitive to how helpless the truly ticklish are, he or she may drive the insanely ticklish to the brink of insanity, without realizing it.
The main problem is not the tickling, but the tickler's lack of awareness of what the truly ticklish are experiencing during the tickling. Even if the tickling started off as playful, it is very easy to cross the prolonged tickling line for the totally ticklish. Making the experience very psychologically upsetting for the person. Yet the person's laughter seems to indicate to the tickler that the person is enjoying the experience immensely and the person's laughter seems to indicate to the person, themselves, that they should also be enjoying the experience. The person is caught between the pleasure and pain centers of the brain which are "close" together. Thus, making the tickling both a present and punishment at the same time.
What does it mean when you call a person a hoe?
'Ho' is short for a synonym for prostitute's) that WikiAnswers obscenity-filter will rightly not let me post. You should never call anyone that, even jokingly. To use that as a standard slur, as some do, belittles all women.a hoe is someone who sleeps with someone on the first date. but God woulnt want u to call someone it cause it could ruen their reputation
What are the three types of domestic violence?
domestic violence is often physical abuse. it can be in a relationship like girlfriend/boyfriend, husband/wife, (vise-versa), mother/daughter, son/father, etc. anything where there is an incident between two or more people that results in any mark being left on the body.
What to do if your girlfriend hits you?
Maybe you did something that made her mad and she's still pretty messed up about it?? If you know you didn't do anything, have a talk with her. She might want to tell you something she has been holding in for a while, causing her to hit you. If she continues, you might want to stay away from her for a couple days or get help if she gets worse. Hope this can help.
Is a domestic disturbance and domestic violence the same thing?
no disturbance is like you disturbing others now domestic violence is when you go and beat someone up or hit someone else
How do you get a mentally abusive boyfriend out of your house?
You don't -- you leave -- they never change and it gets worse. Trust me. You'll lose your sense of self and believe you are worthless. You'll waste the only life you have trying to please your spouse, which isn't possible. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect and kindness, which is the foundation all marriages are built on. Educate yourself so you can help yourself.
Anwer2: You can live with him, but YOU CANNOT EVER MAKE HIM CHANGE! Stand up for yourself starting NOW. Tell your spouse you WILL NOT tolerate that behavior one more minute and you do not have to. Can't you see that you deserve to be treated like a beautiful, cherished person. It's not okay for you to let him treat you like this. God loves and cherishes you and so should your spouse. Find a good mental health physician and let the healing begin by leaving him behind in the dust.
How do you know someone is abusive?
if you have the black eyes, s/he's abusive Guess what? I've never had a black eye. That doesn't mean I haven't been abused (especially since I've been afraid for my life). * Explain why you fear for your life if you are not being Physically Abused (Pushed, kicked, shoved , etc). If you are being Verbally threatened , what is he/she saying , WHY & How Often ???? Generalities or statements , without specifics, are meaningless.
How to forgive a jealous boyfriend?
Jealousy is an unattractive trait and it can be a dangerous one. Try to understand that he feels that his jealousy is a measure of his love for you and he really can't help it. He sees threats to your relationship where there are none, and these perceived threats cause fear and anger. In some people, the anger can grow out of control, and can lead to violence. Be aware and be careful.
Why do people scream at each other?
Because I felt like expressing my anger at you! I feel it is a way to calm me, by using other people to scream at, many people do it. Also when you annoy someone or do something you weren't meant to the person feels angry that you have done this, so by showing you they express it via voice! People scream at each other because they have so much anger that the scream to let it out! It's kinda scary because the might start to push, shove, or kick. So, stay out of their way! Yikes!
Why do people feel love for their abusers?
I am not sure if it's love that they are feeling. Abuse is a cycle that is really hard to break. Love is something healty and kind and there is no love in an abusive relationship. I believe that both parties can care about each other. For the abuser they are in love with the control they have over their partner. As far as the partner is concerned, they have a very low self esteem and feel like the abuser is their whole life and that they cannot make it without them. Both people are co-dependent and it is hard for either of them to end the cycle they have become so used to.
What is gross neglect of duty?
Gross negligence is a legal concept which means serious carelessness. Negligence is the opposite of diligence, or being careful. The standard of ordinary negligence is what conduct one expects from the proverbial "reasonable person". By analogy, if somebody has been grossly negligent, that means they have fallen so far below the ordinary standard of care that one can expect, to warrant the label of being "gross".
How do you get a sociopathic ex-husband out of your life?
7/25/2008 Current victim/survivor:
I can't agree enough with the author below. My former spouse was so sweet and kind and loving to me the first year or so...then all changed, he controlled every aspect, shut me out of his work life, spoke his own language, told me what where when to do things...We butted heads over a lot of issues for about 4 more years, I caught him in lie after lie about his work schedule/coworkers etc while he was out of town/country for weeks and months on end. He took advantage of my depression when I failed to conceive our child and when our dog had to be put to sleep. He emotionally mindf***ed me till I literally beat my head against the wall and wanted to die many times over. I reached out to my parents for help and support once and he cut me off all marital funds and credit. I had to come crawling home on his terms. That lasted about a year, and he then threatened to kill me when I exposed his infidelity and secret life. He shut all the money down again, and broke the restraining order to try to come back in the house to reason with me!!! The final order didn't stick, I lost to have the law protect me, and I paid huge for a lawyer. I left with what I could take and my animals, established my own apartment and thus began a very long and now psycho pathological divorce process with him. He found out each time I had a phone, cable, cell phone, PO box, new employer, new boyfriend, medical claims....he stalked the hell out of me for over 2 years, some of it I caught, some was not able to be proven. There is little that the women's crisis centers can do other than evacuate you out during a crisis, you can't get legal representation unless you are dirt poor and can prove it, and the law doesn't allow you to bring in past history if it has already been used in a trial and he was found innocent of the charge. Thus, trying to show that these abusers are historical in their pattern of abuse even while they don't live with you it next to impossible. Remember a psychopath will do ANYTHING to lie even if it involves a semi normal person to help him, but remember, he usually has equally deviant support people, so they are all crooked and evil. Consider it like breaking free from a mafia type mentality, it's consuming, scary, very difficult, tricky, unsafe and dangerous daily/hourly/minute to minute. You have to enlist a support system, if you can find one (not many want to get involved, even if they WERE your friends). Friends and family are sometimes just as stalked and threatened as you are by this same person. This process will wear you down to the bone as you will fatigue being so worried and consumed by fear, you eventually will crumble to bits and start to lose ground. I wish I had the formula to help the next victim out of similar situation, but there is no formula. It's a unique and unpredictable as a tornado, and hard to get out of the way most times and the casualty is usually the victim of abuse. It will take you many times to "recover", if you can, from the torture you endured at the will of the psychopath that will forever claim he loves you. DON'T turn back, DON't believe he loves you still....it's a trick to continue to control you in what ever way he can. It's dangerous and not worth it. Move on with your life. There is a process with the Social Security and victims services that you can petition to change name and SS#, but keep documents and records of the abuse, get letters from friends, lawyers, doctors as you go. Keep them in a safe and remote place. If you petition for a new name and SS#, you MUST do it at the same time, or it won't work, and he will find you any time by reverse look up. Place verbal security passwords on all your accounts so he can't access records. DON'T use your mother's maiden name, HE KNOWS IT WELL!!! That is the typical security password most use to identify you, just use your father's mother's maiden name or your first pet name, just make sure you remember it, keep a log book and hide it. Get new email accounts, and warn people to not respond to email from the old account, remember he knows all those email addresses they are on the home computer, right?
Most of all, you need to take care of yourself, mentally and physically. You probably have had to go back to work more than full time to self support. Do not deny your fear, it's real to you. You know the psychopath better than anyone, go with your gut instinct when it smells like trouble. Make sure you have a chain of communication in place with friend or family, check in every couple days. Read stuff on the internet about stalking/harassment/domestic violence, it will empower you to know more resources. Store the most important and valuable items away from your new home, those are the things you will worry about if he breaks in and steals stuff, it will emotionally cripple you into doing stupid reactions towards him. That's the way he can push your hot button and win. Prevent those things from happening, don't let him see that he has made you react. They thrive on hurting you and seeing you destroyed.
Good luck to all, from a STRONG LADY SURVIVOR!!!
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Personal experience advice (first, congratulations for recognizing the sociopath in him and for taking action -- IT'S VERY DIFFICULT AND OFTEN SEEMS IMPOSSIBLE): You must move away; staying where you are and changing your phone number every time he manages to get ahold of the new one won't work and he will know where you are to hassle/hurt/kill you (I MEAN IT). Go someplace he can't get at you (I went to my mother's gated, guarded retirement community. Even though he knew it and her number, I knew he couldn't get past the gate). Don't trust anyone, especially mutual friends; you must have a girlfriend he tried to keep you away from but knows what's up. Trust no one. Women's crisis centers are a joke; restraining orders are a joke. YOUR LIFE IS IN DANGER EVEN IF YOU SIMPLY CAN'T IMAGINE THAT. Women die every day at the hands of sociopathic, abusive men and if I hadn't listened to one of the two girlfriends I managed to not let him isolate me from, I'd be one of them. GET OUT OF THERE, EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO CAMP OUT. It's not a matter of getting him out of your life -- you can't control him, only yourself -- it's a matter of you getting away from him because he won't leave you alone. Ever. After you leave, you can never have contact with again. Ever. To All Survivors! Please get a copy of "Be the Pack Leader" by Cesar Millan ("The Dog Whisperer") even if you don't have a dog: better than any therapist/support group. THIS IS FEMALE-CENTERED EMPOWERMENT! Sorry to yell, but IT'S THAT IMPORTANT.
What should you do if you know of an older adult who is being abused by their adult child?
Depending on whether the older adult agrees that the treatment is abusive, then you can take action with them on the phone or call an agency on their behalf. The web link for the National Center on Elder Abuse (NCEA)should lead you to a local resource. It is difficult to manage this when you are an outsider, but it seems like all of us depend on our community to protect and support us. There have actually been a few postings regarding adult children abusing a parent or an elderly parent. Could you please just post under this and give me a little more information as to what your problem is. Example: What is the adult child doing to you? Have to called the police? If we can have a little more information we can certainly help you. Thanks
How much do social workers get paid weekly?
I just took a career test in advisory and I looked at SW it didn't fall under the category of a good salary. My aunt has her masters degree for that and she doesn't make that much either. I guess it is a career you just need to be personally interested in.
http://wiki.answers.com/What_are_the_main_causes_of_teen_violence. The main cause is a combination of suppressed anger from being hurt, inability to deal with or understand new emotional issues and peer pressure.
Would a narcissist ex after changing his phone number call you ever again?
This is in the breakup category so I'll assume you've broken up with a narcissist and they are avoiding you? They might think they're too good for you and feel they are too above an ex to accept contact from them, therefore going to great lengths to avoid them.
What are the effects of family violence?
The effects of Domestic Violence on children vary; if the child grows up with his dad abusing his mom (mentally or physically), they may see it as alright when they grow up, and continue the cycle of abuse. The child may be at a greater risk of being abused themselves, especially if the child is a girl, she may become a teenager/adult and be in a relationship with an abusive man because of the way her childhood was--I'm not saying she'll do it on purpose, it'll just be the type of guy she attracts because she has low self-esteem, most likely. Another effect may be that the child could be emotionally scarred for life; seeing someone (especially parent or guardian) being abused, effects the child deeply and will most likely lead them into depression easier, which in turn will lead to low self-esteem, confidence issues, etc.
How can you abuse a man sexually?
A person may sexually abuse using threats and physical force, but sexual abuse often involves subtle forms of manipulation, in which the person is coerced into believing that the activity is an expression of love, or that the child bought the abuse upon themself. Sexual abuse involves contact and non-contact offences.
What is the profile of a typical bully?
To be honest, I don't think that there is a typical profile for a bully, at least not since the internet has become a large part of our daily lives. Sure, back in the day it would be the bigger, stronger and more popular individual who would be a bully, however, ever since the net, cyber bullying has been on the rise. What make this so scary is that there is no profile for cyber bullies. It can be anyone, of any age, gender, class, religion, race, etc. The anonymousness of the web has enables many people to be a lot crueler than they may be in reality. Or, at least, such is my belief.
If she is the older sister, then she is mean because she wants to make herself feel superior over you, thinking that she is the best and to make you feel like crap. You are not crap, and try to tell her in a calm matter. If that doesn't work, just ignore her because she's doing everything she can to get a reaction out of you. If she uses other people, for example, and is really nice to them around you just to make you mad, leave the room. My sister is mean too and she always hits me and thinks everything I say is unimportant and how it doesn't matter. Just stand your ground, things will get better!
It is when someone is disloyal or cheating on their spouse.
ANSWER:
Infidelity is not just about sex outside the relationship but about trust, betrayal, lying and disloyalty. In fact infidelity is more painful because someone deliberately using deception to violate establish expectations within a relationship.
Infidelity contain of two close relationship, physical intimacy, and emotional intimacy.
1- Physical intimacy refers to sexual activity with someone other than the partner. Sexual infidelity in marriage is called "Adultery"
Is it true that 84 percent of prison inmates were abused as children?
A website run by the Baltimore County police department says so. However, they cited no study, nor have I found one to back their assertion.
Nor do they distinguish between whether it is the nation's statistic, or just Balitmore's.
A U.S. Department of Justice report said that 10 to 76 percent of males in various stages of corrections reported physical or sexual abuse - so clearly Baltimore's figure given is questionable.
It may have to do with the fact that the figure is on their anti-child abuse page. Maybe it is a scare number, to encourage parents not to raise future felons. Whatever the reasons they have, it is not a number to be blindly accepted.
How do you know if your're a victim of emtional abuse?
People who are abused don't like to think they are. If you are asking this question, then you need to find professional help to sort out what is going on in your life and to get a more objective view of the situation. It's one of those things... If you are asking, then it's probably true.
