Abusive Relationships and Domestic Violence

Do you always know exactly where he is, who he is with, and what they are doing? When he isn't at work, is he always with you, doing what you want to do? Do you get upset if another woman shows any interest (not necessarily sexual interest) in him?

People are not objects. You cannot "possess" people. Possessiveness, even the mildest, is, therefore, automatically abusive and, often, pathological.

abuse

The law states, that a wife Does NOT have to testify against her husband if she does NOT wish too. Call you local Court house to verify, they will tell you the same. I had the same question a few yrs ago myself, lol.

Domestic Violence is one of the charges that cannot be expunged from your record.

People have been known to be arrested for verbal abuse... but that may be due to being aimed at the police. Verbal basically means speaking, so it depends what is said through the verbal use. E.g. bad language aimed at some,

name calling these can be classed as verbal abuse

• If you are not drunk or disorderly; verbally or physically abusive and your spouse has locked you out of the house because they are angry at you then if possible, stay with your parents or a good friend. If your spouse proceeds in the next day or so not to let you in the house then you can call the police. Police are busy with serious crimes so to call the police the same night you are locked out of the house is not necessary, but, if you persisted you could do so.
• Another View: A common misunderstanding is depicted above and needs to be corrected. In the scenario presented in the question, the police have no lawful authority to act. What the questioner has described is a CIVIL matter between spouses, but not a criminal matter. Insofar as I am aware, there are no criminal statutes that cover someones spouse locking them out of their home. The police are charged with the responsibility of enforcing the CRIMINAL statutes of their jurisdiction and, by law, cannot become involved in civil matters. Only if the incident escalates and becomes a criminal incident, only then, can the police lawfully act. If your relationship has deteriorated to such a stage, you may use whatever remedies the civil court of your state may offer, or consult with an attorney for advice. The police cannot force your spouse to allow you back in your home.

Sometimes.

Depends. I'd say mostly on the victims state. If they have constantly backed down and forgave the abuser, chances are the abuser will come back and try to suck them in, ya know, being sick enough to take advantage of a vulnerable person or of a particular vulnerable quality.

However, if the victim started standing up and confronting the abuser, showing signs of independence and that they aren't going to thke the abuser's crap, then more than likely the abuser won't come back, because they view it as a threat.

Only if they can regain CONTROL. Show them that they can't control you and they will regroup and find their next victim. Of course they will have already tried every trick in their bag up to this point. It's just like a drug user that can no longer get their drug from the same source. They will scramble in vain to find the next source. CONTROL is the drug of an abuser - their lifeline of existence.

In my experience, YES.

BUT I imagine if there wasn't a pay-off or reward on their return (ie contact, forgiveness, honeymoon period etc) and, instead, a calm, CONSISTENT "NO" to their approaches (followed up by police intervention if need be), they would back off.

However, I think much depends on the person you are dealing with in terms of how persistent they are in returning.

Police, a restraining order and police called to my home subsequent to my obtaining a restraining order DID NOT deter the man I was involved with -- he was on my doorstep 10 days after I obtained a restraining order.

However, I was also the fool that kept taking him in and listening to empty promises (counselling etc).

Nonetheless, it's disturbing that he would ignore the law and probably even more disturbing that despite all, I would take him back rather than contact the authorities while he pathetically pleaded at my door.

But, I loved him or had some kind of emotional bond, so I found it extremely difficult to follow through further with intervention and found myself relying on hope that "this time" things would be different.

I wouldn't wish this nightmare on anyone.

In my experience, yes. My abuser neglected a school suspension to come to school and try to get me back. He also violated a letter of harassment to yell at me in the hallway, several times and now has community service as a result. So basically, whatever restraints are put in place, he violates and then waits a bit til more restraints are administered, and violates them too.

I think though, that it really depends on the person. I've only actually called him out once to talk to him, which I shouldn't have done. It's better to avoid, avoid, avoid. And hopefully, they'll eventually go away. Though I haven't gotten that far yet, so I really don't know.

Yes!

Stalkers and the Borderline Personality

The Borderline Personality

In recent years psychologists have learned about and done case studies on a new personality disorder which the DSM-III-R classifies as an Axis II disorder- the Borderline Personality . This classification includes such personality disorders as the Anti-social Personality, the Histrionic Personality and the Narcissistic Personality. Several psychologists (including myself) diagonosed my stalker as afflicted with the Borderline Personality. Characteristic of the Borderline (derived from research done by Kreisman & Straus, 1989) are:

a shaky sense of identity

sudden, violent outbursts

oversensitivity to real or imagined rejection

brief, turbulent love affairs

frequent periods of intense depression

eating disorders, drug abuse, and other self-destructive tendencies

an irrational fear of abandonment and an inability to be alone

Not much research has been done on the Borderline Personality, and for many years it was difficult to diagnose- and to treat. A Borderline often feels as though his/her life is marked with a distinctive emptiness; a void in which a relationship often acts to fill. Many times the Borderline is a victim of an early dysfunctional family situation and/or emotional/physical abuse by those he/she trusted early on in childhood.

The Borderline is psychotic , in the original, psychological meaning of the term: he/she is not in control and not in touch with reality. To the Borderline, a softly spoken word of advice can be construed as a threat on his/her emotional stability. An outsider's viewpoint that the Borderline is not in touch with reality often ends in a bitter and irrational dissassociation from the outsider on the part of the Borderline. Often, the Borderline ends up very much alone and victim to his/her disillusions.

The Borderline stalker is very apt to see his/her actions as perfectly justified; he/she has paranoid disillusions which support these-often with disturbing frequency. The Borderline often has brief love affairs which end abruptly, turbulently and leave the Borderline with enhanced feelings of self-hatred, self-doubt and a fear that is not often experienced by rational people. When the Borderline's relationships turn sour, the Borderline often begins to, at first, harass the estranged partner with unnecessary apologies and/or apologetic behavior (i.e. letters of apology 'from the heart', flowers delivered at one's place of employment, early morning weeping phonecalls, etc.). However, the Borderline does not construe his/her behavior as harassment- to the Borderline he/she is being 'responsible' for his/her past behaviors.

The next phase of the Borderline Personality develops relatively quickly and soon he/she feels suddenly betrayed, hurt, etc. and seeks to victimize the estranged partner in any way he/she can Strangely enough, this deleterious behavior is always coupled with a need to be near or in constant contact with the estranged partner . While sending threats to the estranged partner, it is very common for the Borderline to begin to stalk his/her estranged partner in an effort to maintain contact. This effort is motivated by the excruciating fear that the Borderline will end up alone and anger that [the estranged partner] has put him/her in this position. We are finding, in many cases, that a great deal of stalking behavior is associated with Borderline or related personality disorders. Earlier research did not incorporate the Borderline Personality in stalking profiles; research now is beginning to focus on the Borderline in such disorders as Erotomania, etc.

You are using the words "love" and "abuse" in the same sentence. Unfortunately they do not mix. That would be akin to saying how can I mix oil and water together? - There is no easy answer when it comes to either physical or emotional abuse. People who perpetrate on others may have at one time themselves been abused. Sometimes the pattern is passed on from the parents to the children. Sometimes the person is suffering from a mental or mood disorder and needs counseling. I am sure you may have heard of post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). However here is the way it works. If the person hits you once, they will certainly hit you again. Normally after the first time, the perpetrator feels remorseful and sad. They make it known that they will never touch you again. You love them so you forgive them and life goes on. The next time they strike is usually with more anger or rage, for a longer period of time, followed by a slightly less remorseful stage. If left unchecked, this cycle will continue until the abuse is constant and there is no remorse. If you are being abused the best thing to do is remove yourself from the situation and give the person that YOU LOVE time and space to help themselves through counseling. If they don't well then they never really loved you or more importantly.........themselves.
good luck.

It is best to work with the law on this one. If your husband is extremely abusive, there are Women's Centres to go too. They will often help you in the direction of legal council and you need to get your husband out of your life before you start a new one.

You must also have a plan (including your children)and the new man in your life as to what and where you are to go after you leave your abusive husband and, with luck attain a divorce. If you feel your abusive husband would make problems for you, your children or the new man in your life, then it really best to move if you can. If this is not possible then you will get much help from the Women's Centre. There should be one in your area. Please phone Mental Health and they will lead you in the right direction.

Good luck!

Marcy

Be careful before jumping into another "serious" relationship too fast....you don't even have time to catch your breath. If he loves you, he'll wait a while until you settle down and will help you when you need it (physical and emotional support). Remeber, actions speak louder than words. If I was in your situation, I'd prioritize myself and my kids. then the new boyfriend. your kids really need your attention at a 100%.... Don't be shy, if you are able, to get help from a doctor/psychologist etc.

I left my abusive (ex) husband with VERY careful planning...don't do it on the spur of the moment. My ex-husband became very controlling, then physically abusive about 4 months into the marriage...in addition to physical abuse, he would check my email, check my cell messages (which i used for business) and would stand outside my place of business for my whole shift. I planned a way to leave, but it took 6 months to implement. I made sure I had enough money, that I had the law on my side and that I secured the longest restaining order possible. you HAVE to plan it...wait till he abuses you the most, let the bruises and cuts develope then go down to social services...document everything he does to you. You can get past this and have a happy life. Alicia

Contact a domestic violence crisis center in your area. They can help.

This will depend on the severity of the crime and where you live. You would have to go to court and face a judge who will give you a sentence of jail time. Please learn from your mistake that domestic violence is not good for you, your victim, your future or society.

Ok I'm in the exact situation right nOw my dad is a very cruel person he abuses me often and he even hit my mom but now even my mom hits me and when my dad does it my mom doesn't do anything call the cops pls it's best trust me plz I'm begin u trust me I know u won't regret it god bless you

We cannot speak for all abusive men, but we assume that most of them know that they are abusers. Abusive men tend to come from abusive homes, and the behavior may seem normal to them. Others may feel that such behavior is their right. Most of them know the law, but when rage strikes, the law often doesn't mean much.

Violence significantly increases the risk of injuries. Such injuries could widely vary based on the type of impact or blow due to the violence. There are many variables on what could be a resulting injury from head to toe.

Granny panties are bad as I always get frontal atomic wedgies and also get mud and cow dung shoved down them as they are pulled over my head. Ounce i was stuck in a hanging wedgie for 6 hours. It is so embarrassing to get your pink, purple, spotted, brown or ones with Elmo prints over your head. However, thongs are really bad too. Ounce i was in a changing room. and got my thong ripped right off of me and was given a disgusting granny panties that had not been washed for a week and was in possession of the bully(who's sister had diarrhoea) so it had runny faeces all over it. In addition, it was too big. As a compromise the pulled them over my shoulders( like suspenders) and sowed them to my uniform.

Even once is too many times! Abuse in a relationship, whether physical or psychological, is unacceptable at any level and to any degree. She should leave immediately and not return unless, and until, he seeks and undergoes "successful" professional counseling. To others that are not physically/mentally abused the answers seem so simple, but aren't. The abuser is crafty and takes all confident and independence away from this woman. All races, cultural backgrounds, the poor, rich, successful and average person can be caught in an abusive relationship. It has nothing to do with the victim being needy, no confidence, lack of education or lacking guts. Sometimes if there are children involved the abuser can use the children as ransom. Abusers are crafty enough to win their victim over and little by little gain control, so the victim is basically blind-sided. The victim is terrified, and where does she/he go? There are Abused Women's Centers for the victim to go (no returning home once you go there) that will protect her and her children and a counselor that will even go to court with her/him. There are also Abusive groups for men who are abused mentally/physically. The laws in the U.S. and Canada don't protect particularly women to a great degree. In British Columbia the RCMP are working closely with Domestic Abuse. The problem is, unless these women have some place to go (especially when they have children) they often will not press charges against their abuser when the police come to door if the incident was reported by a neighbor. The abuser will usually only be in jail a day or two to cool his heels, but once out the abuse is even worse. In British Columbia the RCMP have the right to arrest a man or woman who is abusive if they are suspicious and place them under arrest, hand-cuff them and put them in jail for a couple of days. Women abusers are more likely to back-off if they are arrested, but males are not likely to back-off. The laws are changing slowly. Women should go to their local Abused Women's Center and if they don't know where it is you can go to your local mental health and they will put you through to the proper channels. The cure is TO GET AWAY FROM THE ABUSER! The victim of abuse needs a lot of counseling to get on her feet. She needs to learn the tools of survival, how to spot another potential abusive mate and to learn she has more strength in herself and more confident than she has realized (because she's been brain-washed.) Once she surfaces to work there are times the abuser can stalk her or at least cause her some problems, but most don't bother and have simply moved on to find another victim. If there are children involved the abuser is more likely to make trouble (not because he/she loves the children) but knows that is the weak point with the victim. This means court and custody set down by the rules of the court system! I would respectfully disagree...the answer really is simple, and it is exactly as Marcy says, "The cure is to Get Away From the Abuser!" What's not so simple is recognizing that one is in an abusive relationship in the first place. Initially, most of us don't want to admit that what we're experiencing amounts to abuse. It's easy to see the problem as a temporary reaction, resulting from external forces such as losing one's job, etc. We're also apt to accept some of the blame for the abusive behavior ourselves and think that if we respond differently, the behavior will change. However, once the reality of an abusive relationship is recognized, either through one's own self awareness, or with the help of others, there is only one solution...and it really is simple. Get away from the abuser.

abuse and love may be often equated, because love can hurt a lot and as for abuse also hurts (obviously)

?? An accusation ?? Unknown what the questioner is looking for.

Abusers, male or female, nearly always come from families where abuse was the norm. That is also true of people who are attracted to abusers.

People from abusive backgrounds find themelves attracted to that sort of person because they have characteristics with which they are familiar, and that make them feel comfortable. We tend to seek out mates that mirror our parents, whether we try to or not, and we usually end up behaving as they did, as well.

One of the characteristics of abuse is that it tends to become more severe as relationships progress, and often does not show up until there is stress that triggers it. Then the abuser, not having been shown other ways of dealing with what he or she perceives as an otherwise insurmountable problem, falls back into the ways that the family of origin behaved.

If you find yourself involved with more than one abuser, it would be a good idea to extricate yourself from the situation, and perhaps speak with someone about why you seem to be attracted to that sort of person.

We can assure you that not all men are abusive.

I'm hoping this is with a willing participant (even if he claims to be reluctant). If you haven't gotten here yet, start with that.

First of all, you should both agree on what you're hoping for at the end of the process. Does he want to look like a boy in a dress for a lark for some party? Is he wearing a costume? Does he just want to look as much like a girl as possible? Will he be out in public or just there with you?

Figure out appropriate clothing, and where you can get it. Hopefully you're similar sizes, or at least you have some items that are loose enough to work. Otherwise you need to go shopping. Get a wig if his hair is short. Don't go too outlandish with the clothing unless that's your goal. Avoid sky-high heels unless you want him to fall down and break his neck. Think about what you're planning for makeup, and whether he'll need anything of his own (sharing eye makeup is gross). If you're going for a realistic work, might need some level of shapewear.

Then have him sit still and let you work your magic.

My first time as a girl, my friend picked out an above-the-knee A-line skirt, blouse, and sweater, with tights (I didn't have a ton of leg hair, but I wasn't ready to shave) and some low wedge shoes. I was close enough size wise to wear her things.. I started by putting on my girls undies, some spanx for shape, my bra, and a robe. She started with my nails, then did some light makeup (foundation, blush, mascara, lipgloss). My hair was long enough for some teasing and a floral headband to make it look girly. Then into "my" skirt for the rest of the afternoon. We both really enjoyed it.

violence happens for a reason as in people fighting between one another because of what they did or said.

Also for what they represent. As in beliefs or what they stand for.

Or sometimes racial despiutes