Abusive Relationships and Domestic Violence

Most of the people think abuses happen because of stress, jealousy, or not being able to control themselves. However, these are just myths. Abuses occur not because of anger or stress. It is all about wanting to have power and control. If the batterers are out of control, then they wouldn't be able to calm themselves down when the police arrives. They would not be able to make up stuff to deny all the blames. Abusers usually hit the victims in places that can be covered by clothes. If they are so angry and get out of control, they will not have time to think about where they should hit to not get caught. It's all about control. Truthfully, everyone is busy and stressed out over something, but not everyone use physical acts to express their stress or anger. They should never. Batterers abuse because they choose to do so. It's all about their core belief system. These people need professional help. Unless they change their core beliefs, they will keep hurting the ones they say they love.

Answerthere are many things that cause abuse. People that abuse others are angry with someone so they take it out on anyone around you. Before i got put into foster care i was abused by my step dad. My mom really loved him but he hated us kids. everytime us kids did something that he didnt like he would get the belt out and i know the only reason he hit us was because he was angry. others do it because of drugs. once they get addicted to drugs and then they don't got anymore they get very violent or they can also have a drinking problem i don't know there are many reasons for this but i don't even know where to begin

Emotional AbuseAbuse is almost entirely about control. It is often a primitive and immature reaction to life circumstances in which the abuser (usually in his childhood) was rendered helpless. It is about re-exerting one's identity, re-establishing predictability, mastering the environment - human and physical. The bulk of abusive behaviours can be traced to this panicky reaction to the remote potential for loss of control. Many abusers are hypochondriacs (and difficult patients)because they are afraid to lose control over their body, its looks and its proper functioning. They are obsessive-compulsive in an effort to subdue their physical habitat and render it foreseeable. They stalk people and harass them as a means of "being in touch" - another form of control. To the abuser, nothing exists outside himself. Meaningful others are extensions, internal, assimilated, objects - not external ones. Thus, losing control over a significant other - is equivalent to losing control of a limb, or of one's brain. It is terrifying. Independent or disobedient people evoke in the abuser the realization that something is wrong with his worldview, that he is not the centre of the world or its cause and that he cannot control what, to him, are internal representations. To the abuser, losing control means going insane. Because other people are mere elements in the abuser's mind - being unable to manipulate them literally means losing it (his mind). Imagine, if you suddenly were to find out that you cannot manipulate your memories or control your thoughts ... Nightmarish! In his frantic efforts to maintain control or re-assert it, the abuser resorts to a myriad of fiendishly inventive stratagems and mechanisms.

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• Well I came here to look for answers for myself. I am a man and feel as if i am being abused and it hurt me to read all there was on this subject. Everything read He, Him, Himself. Why is it always asummed that the one doing the abusing is a man. I am a man that is hurting right now and I can't find anything that puts the right shoe on my foot. Everything points to the man being the abuser. Why is this, why can't I find any help as the one being abused. Help.

• I am in the same situation as you are. What I do is just mentally replace HE with SHE.

• The emotional abuser gets "control" of your entire being. Without it they are "out of control". My step-son is in such a marriage. Beverly Engel must have known his wife - she had too - how else could she have written the book on the abuse she dishes out. I beg him to call the abuse hotline. He's so unhappy. He just wishes she would change - which we know won't happen. It's the saddest thing to see happen to someone you love so much. Being an abused male is not uncommon - it's just not talked about because men are suppose to be "macho". Speak up men! Speak out! My step-son talks to us often about his home life. But he needs someone other than us to talk too. I wish each and every one of you success in your relationships. We ALL deserve happiness.

• First and foremost they gain CONTROL control over your whole being. The moment this is taken away, by you leaving for instance they alter, say they want to change, that they are sorry to give them a second chance that they realise it was their fault. trust your instincts LEAVE , for they are just FILLING YOU WITH WORDS IN ORDER TO GAIN BACK THE CONTROL. abusers don't change they continue the cycle.

• If you notice in most of my posts regarding abuse I put "spouse" or he or she. I do work for a Women's Abuse Center in Canada and there are groups for men. I teach the abused women there when I speak with them that men often are abused as well. They are surprised to say the least. Mind you, the percentage is higher for women who are abused because there is simply more of us. The reason men slip through the cracks of being the ones abused is the fact that life has lead both sexes to believe men are the dominant of the two. Places like the Women's Center are re-educating people regarding men being abused and we are working on helping them as well. Most men are brought up by their parents that they should never strike or push a women and most men follow this rule to the letter. They can often go with a girlfriend or marry a woman that is verbally, physically abusive or even both. Many people feel that men can protect themselves from a woman's abuse, but not true! If a woman hits a man (and I've seen plenty of that) with an object, in most cases the man will take the abuse. Where does he go to get help? What would his buddies think of such a thing? The male is often left feeling frustrated and alone because he feels that no one will ever understand why he can't fight back. The point of it all is, if you did fight back you would become abusive yourself. Phone your Mental Health and tell them what is going on. They will lead you to groups that can help you deal with the problem. Just as I often say to women facing abuse from a man, get on that phone and get some help to get away from this person. If children are involved in your relationships it's extremely important that until your abusive wife gets help you take the children along with you because if you don't the already frustrated and angry wife will take it out on the kids and you can bet your money on that one. I don't know if the men on this board are aware of the fact that if your spouse hits you in any way you can actually phone the police and have her arrested! Yes, you heard me right. I've seen it over and over. For the first offence the woman is held for 24 hours in jail. If her spouse has been badly abused (hit with a hard object, has broken bones, bruises, welts, etc.) the male victim can persue this and take her to court. Just wanted you to know that some of us on this board do realize that men can be abused both verbally and physically.

• You bring up a good point. I don't think that everyone here "assumes" that men are all abusers or that men, in general, are bad. In forums such as this one, I would tend to think that more women than men write and share their experiences. This is true in real life as well. Also, battered women rarely speak up about their experiences until they get out of the bad situation. It's even rare for a battered woman to open up and talk about her experience(s) on an anonymous chat board. Typically, men are more likely to keep emotions inside (not a sterotype, but rather a fact). When it comes to opening up about something as personal and emotionally/physically painful as abuse, I would think that even the incredibly small number of women who decide to talk about it still outnumber the number of men willing to talk about it. Hence all the "he's" and "hims" on this board. NO ONE deserves abuse. Male OR female. Physical, verbal or emotional. NO ONE has the right to abuse you. NO ONE has the right to lay a hand on you out of anger or without your consent. And NO ONE has the right to make you feel bad about yourself, less than human or less than what God originally intended. My advice (for what it's worth) is for you to replace the "hims" and "he's" with "hers" and "she's" (when reading about abuse, victimization and recovery) to work through your situation and succeed in healing (notice the word "succeed"). See the posts as being written from the perspective of the writer, which will (as I said above) be a female victim talking about a male abuser and not an across the board opinion of abuse or of all men.If you read some of these posts, you will know that you are definitely among friends here. And do you realize, by writing what you wrote here, that you may have helped or will help another abused man in healing and recovery?

• Men are definitely not the only ones dishing out abuse. This is a human affliction, not a gender affliction. But men probably struggle with coming to realization that they are being controlled or manipulated. It does in fact happen. I know. I fell deeply in love with my current wife, immediately. None of us are perfect and we all will have moments of bad behavior I am sure. But abuse is just at least a knotch above and seems to be insidiously pathological. My wife is a Pentecostal Christian and invited me to come to a meeting at a local home. Away we went. The host claimed to be a "prophet" who was hosting a "faith healer". I watched and attended the whole meeting. On the way home my girlfriend who is now my wife asked me what I thought. I said something to the effect of "That was interesting and I don't think I swallowed one bit of that performance. Especially the part where after being faith healed for a chronic sore back the individual procalaimed that they thought it felt a *little* better" She proceeded to tear an absolute strip off of me, lecturing me on Christianity and morality in general. I was aghast to say the least and a little indignant that I did not get my intellectual discussion with my girlfriend. The danger sign in all of this that looking back tells me is that it was all my fault and was left that way, primarily out of her asserting a moral perjorative.

• I don't know what they get out of abuse. But my husband was so nasty that he could not take my independence. He could not take it that I was thinking and challenging him. I am still in the process of getting out of the battering. Only God can help me get out of it completely.

• One poster mentioned it was just not men and women that were abused and that is so true. Children, the elderly and even pets can be abused. Having studied abuse and helping abused individuals, I find that abusers usually come from an abusive environment themselves. It has nothing to do with whether they are highly educated or if they have a low education; race, poor/rich has nothing to do with it. Abusive people somewhere along the line feel they can't express what they really feel so they harbor these feelings until they go off like a bomb (and all do.) A person may have grown up in a family with no abuse, but somewhere in their childhood their peers (sometimes bullies) or even in the workforce, the individual feels picked on, duped and left out of society as a whole. They often end up with the lack of confidence, feel they should be better that they are and basically feel like a failure. Believe it or not for a high percentage of abusive individuals they hate themselves for what they do, but they are like a runaway locomotive and can't seem to stop. Thus, they live in a bubble and control those around them and that involved their spouse, children and even the family pet! It is more likely that abusive women will go for counseling then abusive men. Another poster brought up the fact that some abused women are more open about speaking of their abuse either during or after, while men are more apt to hold this secret within them not knowing where to turn for help and that is true. Men feel if they go to a psychologist, report their wife to the police, etc., they will be "found out" and considered weak or a fool. Not true! Each case is very individual and can vary. I have a friend whose son is married to a very abusive partner. One night in bed he was woken by a shock from a blow to the nose. As he staggered into the onsuite bathroom to see what had hit him (it was his wife and she was drunk) she came up behind him with a golf club and nailed him behind the knees. He hit the floor like a rock. As soon as he could gather his composure he headed for the phone and called the police. His wife was taken away in handcuffs and her husband let her cool her heels over night in jail. When she got home he told her that if she ever hit him again he would press charges and take her to court and that would be the end of their marriage. He offered to back her if she wanted psychological counseling, but she refused. She stopped the physical abuse, but she is now into emotional abuse and practices it often. For those men out there that take physical or emotional abuse you have the right to seek legal counsel and get away from this abusive relationship, just like a woman has a right. Abuse applies to EVERYONE on this board be it a woman, man, child, the elderly or even someone mistreating their pet.

this is truly the hardest feeling to deal with. first you have to allow yourself to grieve the loss of dreams you had about your future with the narcissist. then you have to find support for the feelings you have about the time you spent with the ex then you need to find youreslf again, do the things you remember that brought you happiness go to the places that made you feel good lastly you have to let him/her go. release a balloon or butterfly throw photos away you have to let them ooze out of your system and PS they'll return to dampen your happiness so ignore them and move on good luck writing into faqfarm is a start.

RecoveryCongratulations on being NARCISSIST-FREE! Darling, one day you will look back and celebrate! You will ask Hartz Mountain to make a Narcissist Collar!

By the time he leaves, you have already cried enough. But you are so right that there is a period of recovery ahead of you. Here are a few suggestions from experience.

1. Surround yourself with sane trusted friends; you may soon realize that others have seen through him long before you did. It is okay to 'bounce things off' loyal friends since you'll likely discover that you have been lied to--a lot!--and need to compare notes. The truth will set you free.

2. He has probably done things to confuse, intimidate, humiliate and undermine you. You may need a good therapist to help you get your confidence back and to find yourself again. Once your narcissist has done his number on your head, you are probably questioning/blaming yourself about a lot of things. For example, if something goes wrong, you may immediately assume that you are to blame for the mishap, or that you are responsible for fixing it. You need to disrupt this habit of instantly looking inside yourself for the fault when things go wrong. Drop that piece of baggage, because it isn't yours--it's his. You were carrying it for your N because he's too weak to admit he's wrong about anything. Again, here is an area where a therapist may be able to help you.

3. Flush his poisons out of your system by doing the things that YOU enjoy. Avoid activities that were 'his'--that is, the things that you did primarily because he enjoyed them. Watch funny movies; go dancing; work out at the gym; catch up with friends, pursue a favorite hobby. If you have a neglected talent, pick it up again and shine!

4. Get back in touch with someone you have been missing. You know who that person is? IT'S YOU!! If you've been involved with a narcissist, it's yourself that you've been missing the most. You are a genuine person; he is not. He has no use for a genuine person. He wouldn't know what to do with one.

5. Don't be alone, but also be cautious about starting another relationship before you've gotten a good start in your emotional recovery. Don't be surprised to find that yet another N has begun hanging around and trying to charm you! "Narcissist #2" might find you attractive soon after this breakup because he senses your vulnerability. However, do not give in to your feelings of neediness! A narcissist has nothing with which to fill you, ever! He is looking for an ego meal for himself, always.

6. Also don't be too surprised if (when his narcissistic supply runs out), your ex comes sniffing around again in the role of his old charming phony self. What you do then is up to you. Just keep one thing in mind: the attractive, dynamic person he presents to you has never actually existed and does not exist now. He is an empty shell and he wants to fill himself up by sucking the life out of you. His charm is like a flashy fishing lure, and you already know what happens if you bite.

7. If the N has a key to your place, change the locks immediately. Yes, I understand that he is the one who just dumped you! But when he realizes that you will never, ever let him back into your life, he may become furious and vindictive. If you live in a building with a doorman or superintendent, let them know that your ex didn't just "lose his key," and that they are not to let him into your apartment. This suggestion may sound extreme, but even if your N has never shown any violent tendencies, he will exploit any opportunity to keep you off balance. A narcissist is at his most creative when he is out for revenge. This single precaution alone may save you untold grief. You are not dealing with a normal person.

8. If any of his stuff is still in your home, put it out of your sight. Do not phone him about it; he should have the courtesy to contact you about picking up his own possessions. If there is a lot of material to be gotten rid of and it is becoming a nuisance, send a message through an intermediary. You will accommodate him at your own convenience and not at his. (Never again miss work, school or a friend's party for his convenience.) If possible, do not be at home when he comes to pick up his stuff. However, he mustn't have the run of the place either, so you will need to recruit someone his own size to be present in your home to supervise. Tell your brother or buddy or your trusted friend exactly where the N's stuff is located on the day of pick-up (for example, the middle of the livingroom floor in a cardboard box) and that's all he's allowed to take. Under no circumstances should he be given an opportunity to "look around" and thereby gain access to your drawers, closets, medicine cabinet, car glove compartment or any other private areas. By the way, it's best not to let him drop off anything while he's in your home either. He must be watched every minute he is on your premises. Then, once you've rid your home of his residue, it's a good time to re-decorate.

9. Evict the N from your life in every way. This is harder than it sounds but it must be done. A narcissist "on a tear" can create an amazing whirlwind of chaos that could take you months to straighten out! Do not initiate any contact with him if you can avoid it. Delete his number from your auto-dialer and if possible filter out his calls. If you had been letting him use your computer, back up your own data/apps and then re-format the hard drive. Change all your passwords. If he has access to any of your credit cards or banking information, contact the banks and do whatever you can to secure them.

10. Don't try to rush the process of emotional recovery. Give yourself time.

These things are not easy to do, but there is a wonderful reward waiting for you. Soon, you will unload this burden and stand up straight again. You may have to repeat some of these actions over and over, until you have separated yourself from his craziness. But one day your re-found sanity will 'click' and you'll wonder what you ever saw in him.

All the best!