Breakups

Hi again

Yup, we gotta teach these guys to communicate. They are still in a primate stage! Didn't you know they swing from trees? LOL I think the problem with your relationship is you've been friends for a long while and you are both like a pair of good old worn in slippers. I think if you go away on a vacation for a week or so, or move out for a bit it may shock him into realizing just how much he misses you. Why not give it a shot? I do think he loves you, but he's taking you for granted.

I just had to communicate my feelings to my husband of 34 years. I have been working my butt off (and so has he) but, he hasn't been taking the time to sit down and have those talks over tea we usually have. I'm willing, he says he's too tired and is going to veg out in the den. Yeah right! One of his friends phones about fishing or going to a hockey game and you can't shut him up. Since my husband turned 60 I said to him "I feel like a blasted ghost around here!" Of course he denies any part in it and so I said, "You know what ... I'm trading you in for 2 good looking 30 year olds!" Of course I wouldn't do it, but sometimes you feel like just saying to heck with it and moving on. It never seems to go away and it appears the woman is going to always have to kick their cute little behinds to get their brains working. LOL

I wish you luck hon.

Marcy

• Hi again Marcy! Thank you for your kind help! Haha, swing from trees! LOL! You are very astute.. how did you gather all that from what I just wrote? Amazing! How did you know he loves me? And yes, the vacation thing works, i think! He has too big of an ego, and wants me to do everything.. initiate conversations, pamper him emotionally etc, and he doesn't want to reciprocate. And when I give him the silent treatment like he gives me, he gets all sad and sulky. I like what you wrote about your hubby and you. You have such a great sense of humour :-D.. But I'm afraid of confronting him.. he might just withdraw and never come out again...Thank you Marcy!Lynn

Hi there

Oh boy! You have a hard one on your hands. Unfortunately, there are men out there of few words. It isn't that they don't feel love or care about you, they may have come from a family that didn't talk about these things and he has no idea how to talk you. You are going to have to teach him, like I had to teach my husband (and I'm still working on it. LOL)

Learning communication skills is not about arguing. Ask him nicely to sit down and that you want to talk to him. If he starts to get up and move into another room then say, "Please come back and talk to me, because if you don't, the I'm leaving this relationship!" I have no doubt he's call you dramatic and with a huff sit down and be rather belligerent about it, but at least you have got half his brain willing to listen and that's a start. Tell him how you feel and how he hurts you by not communicating. If he just sits there then ask him how he manages to work. He'll look quite puzzled and this is when you zip in "Well, you have to communicate at work in order to do your job and listen to orders or give orders, so why does your mind shut-off the minute you walk into the house?" You've got him! I've never met a man that can answer that one. He may fumble and say, "I have tough days at work and I just want to come home and relax." Don't buy it! He can sit and communicate with you and then relax. If you can teach him that taking an hour over a cup of coffee, even a drink and touching base with each other the rest of the relationship will become much smoother because you'll both know where the other stands in certain situations.

Please don't feel alone. The biggest complaint I hear from my girlfriends is their mates don't communicate. Some of them have allowed this behavior and some of us have never accepted it and work at it. Although not 100% perfected (never will be) it's better than nothing.

Yes, if your partner doesn't communicate it will ruin a relationship. We're human and our partner (married or not) should be not only your lover, but your best friend. If they aren't willing to discuss things with you then it's time to move on.

Good luck hon Marcy

• Hmm Marcy.. teach a guy? I wonder if they like to be taught.. I mean, why must I teach him, why can't he find out for himself? I don't know, but he can talk to his friends for quite a long time! And when I attempt to talk to him, he wants to go to bed, or says he's busy. Especially on the msn messenger. I agree we should be best friends and lovers too. You see, we have just 'started', even though we have been friends for close to 8 yrs. I feel he is my soulmate.. but he frustrates me to no end because his negative qualities are so similar to mine. I am thinking of opting out and forgetting about it.. because I cannot take it any longer. Sometimes in life we aren't meant to be with our soulmates right? Especially if their behaviour and lack of communication hurts us.. *sigh* i don't know. Thanks for responding though!

Unfortunately, the male and female species will always battle with good communication skills. Men seem to keep things simple in life and understand their own species because they keep things simple and understand each others grunts and groans as a response. LOL Women tend to get a little too flowery or upset over matters that sometimes can be quite simple. So, the question is, "Who is at fault and where does one begin?" It's no one's fault. Women are emotional (due to frequent hormone changes and a good brain in their head) while men keep things simple and try to not let things affect them. Women have brains like steel traps, while men are forgetful at times and in most cases doesn't stand a chance with a woman when it comes to a debate over something bothering them.

Here is an example: Both of you decide to have guests over for the evening and one of the guests is obnoxious and almost ruins the evening. Your male partner will be annoyed to some degree, but his answer to this problem is to grunt at you "That guys a jerk (putting it nicely here) and don't ask him back!" and then he forgets it and moves on. After guests are gone, the female will tell her mate what a creep the guy was and go on and on about it and will often continue the conversation in bed putting a wet blanket on any aspect of a romantic night together.

Communication takes practice and my husband and I have been married 34 years and our communications skills are pretty good, but not 100% and they never will be. I have come to realize that men can improve on communication, but will never truly change enough to please us women. I too can get very frustrated when my husband doesn't communicate well. We both are on tight schedules, so communication is right up there on my list. I like things, neat and clean because it uncomplicates life. Men think they get it and do their thing, but let's face it ... the poor guys can't win for losing.

Is lack of communication a reason to quit on a relationship? Absolutely not! It takes time and practice, but, if you have a partner that isn't going to listen and is stubborn and doesn't care, then it's time to move on. My husband and I go for quiet walks to discuss some things. It's soothing to walk along the river or a beach or even through paths in a wooded area. Nature is calming. Many of our problems are resolved by taking long walks. We also will discuss our day with each other over a cup of tea when he gets home from work. The TV is not on, nor music ... it's just him and I, and this way we each focus on what the other is saying.

Talk to your mate and express how you feel. If you are a woman then try to keep things in perspective, don't get too flowery about the subject and don't go on and on about a subject (us women have a habit of doing this.) The man wants to discuss it once in most cases and a resolution to the problem and then move on.

If you leave this relationship because of lack of communication you aren't going to find too many guys out there that are much different. At first when they date they may really strain themselves to appear that they are listening to every word you say, but after a few months together this effort will soon drift away.

Good luck Marcy

• Hi Marcy, thank you so much for your detailed answer.. What I meant actually was if the guy does not talk, and whenever I talk to him he quickly wants to exit the situation. It is frustrating me because we are not communicating. I want so much to talk to him but he doesn't want. And lack of communication spells the dearth of relationships right?

Step 0

Know what your priorities, most deeply held values, capabilities, resources, and time constraints are.

Step 1

Listen to your feelings after the request is given. If you don't feel enthusiasm then it's probably a sign that the activity doesn't fit in with your priorities in life or else that you are near the limits of your time and capacities.

Step 2

Tell the person firmly no, and internally commit within yourself to keep saying no. A confident, unwavering voice conveys to the person that you a committed to saying no, and that their efforts to persuade you will be unsuccessful. When people hear vague, wishy washy responses they often build up false hopes and are just the more disappointed when you say no.

There is one caveat to all this however - oftentimes further conversation reveals that you didn't understand their initial request and that you actually would like to do what they're asking you to do. Be careful though to separate "persuasion", which you should try to avoid, from "information gathering", which is good.

Step 3

Communicate, communicate, communicate. Just because you have already decided that you are going to say no that doesn't give you permission to be abrasive or confrontational. You need to sincerely communicate with the other person, and depending on your relationship with them, you need to disclose some of your reasons for saying no. If the relationship is superficial, such as with a salesman or a sales clerk, you really don't need to give any reasons at all, just a firm no repeated until they get the idea. However, if the relationship is important, such as with a sibling or your boss, you generally should give several reasons for your refusal, and try to make sure that they understand you even if they still don't like your refusal.

Here are several examples of reasons for saying no:

-I'm sorry, I can't help you with that right now. I simply have too much on my plate already.

-(To a close friend) Geez, it sounds like you really need some help. Let me see if I understand your situation. - restate their situation as you understand it -. Well, I can't do it today, but what about Saturday?

-(To a superior at work.) I would love to help with the project but I simply not qualified for it and here's how...

-(To a salesman) The product looks very useful, but I simply won't be buying today thank you.

Step 4

Learn how to be okay with not being "the nice guy/girl" or the "good son/daughter", etcetera. Learn how to mentally not accept people's attempts to guilt you into compliance with their request. Learn how to distinguish unhealthy guilt, coming from an impossible desire to please everyone all the time, and constructive guilt alerting you to true violations of your inner moral code.

This question does not need all these steps. If you are adecent person, with good basic values, just do what your heart tells you. You are not on this planet to fulfill anybody's expectations but your own. Don't allow youself to be begged, bullied , or guilted into doing anything you are not comfortabledoing .

he broke up with you because he wants to be hard to get but he still really loves you talk to him see whats going on with him

maybe you did something he didnt like but apologize and ask for another chance. hey, you never know! he might just take you back! :)

Answer

He doesn't want to be the bad guy in the matter. He broke up with you, so you should act in that truth, as some would say. Change your habits--take different routes, do not spend time with the same crowd as he does. Move on. While the attention may be flattering, it is a matter of his control over you, which is not the best for you. Do not change yourself trying to do what you think he wants.

If it is actually YOUR home and not a home you bought together call the police, he's trespassing.

You'll have to ask him to leave, leave yourself or go to a lawyer and the lawyer can decide who gets the house.

You have him served Or-- you can go out of your way to make him WANT to leave. Bwahahahahaha!

It probably means he's too much of a loser to find or afford a place of his own. Kick him out and help him to grow up even more. At the very least, let him leach off of someone else.

Will you be physically safe? Maytbe you should consider changing the locks....

Has he said why he doesn't want to be with you anymore? It's a pity he didn't say anything before this..... you could have worked together on healing your relationship.

Is he sure he doesn't want to be with you (if he doesn't why is he still there?)....

If the property is jointly owned or if the couple reside in a community property state neither spouse can force the other to leave the residence, nor can either spouse impede the other's access and rights to the property.

If the issue is one of domestic violence, the authorities should be notified and the victimized spouse should apply for a restraining order in the court of jurisdiction.

Other than that, one of the parties will need to file for a dissolution of marriage and the property ownership issues will be determined by the laws of the state of residency.

Ask him why.

None of us want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with us. Find out what you need to do so that you don't lose out to abandonment of the house. If possible, move yourself out and move on without him. Caution--if he has health problems, this may be a symptom of depression and he was just saying it, without meaning. As the person above said, it looks like you need more information.

For Certain, You Better not Leave!

The most likely reason why your husband does not want to leave is that he is already considering a divorce and contemplates his rights to your "in common" property. If that is the case - and I can not be certain that it is - you should not leave under any circumstances. I know that there is a great temptation to get away from him and leave, but, most likely, that is exactly what he wants you to do.

Call a lawyer.