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Abused Men
Instances of men being abused by their partner – physically, emotionally or even sexually – are as prevalent as women abuse. Unfortunately, many of these cases go unreported because male victims have to contend with social standards of men being the abuser.
259 Questions
Can a person be both an 'abuser' and an 'abusee'?
Note: Further stories and testimonials should be placed in the discussion section below.
Of course they can. Consider narcissists, for instance:
Narcissists attract abuse. Haughty, exploitative, demanding, insensitive, and quarrelsome � they tend to draw opprobrium and provoke anger and even hatred. Sorely lacking in interpersonal skills, devoid of empathy, and steeped in irksome grandiose fantasies � they invariably fail to mitigate the irritation and revolt that they induce in others.
Successful narcissists are frequently targeted by stalkers and erotomaniacs � usually mentally ill people who develop a fixation of a sexual and emotional nature on the narcissist. When inevitably rebuffed, they become vindictive and even violent.
From my perspective, HELL NO!!!
I've have been, and still live with an abusive spouse. At this point in our lives (14 years), she doesn't lose it over the trivial stuff so much anymore - but boy WHEN IT HAPPENS!!!
This is a behavioral problem on part of the abuser, which I've learned doesn't dissipate, but only changes form. The transition period between those stages is a nightmare. I never thought in a million years that I would have to worry about my 'Queen of Fullness' balling up her fist and busting my face up, or slamming a heavy bar mug against my head (and I see this scar which I NEVER mention EVERY DAY - mind you).
I've been through nearly EVERYTHING you see on http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/men/ over this time period in my life with her. It has caused me:
- General health problems
- Years of sleepless nights and poor eating habits
- EXCESSIVE marijuana and cigarette smoking
- And yes, shamefully, sexual relations outside of the marriage
- I'm the one who had to attend the Domestic Violence courses.
- HELL-OF-A-LOT-MORE HEARTACHES!!!
And hey... lemme tell ya... when you THINK someone is toying with your mind... THEY ARE!!! As crazy as it sounds I KNOW she uses people on my job to assist. I can't prove it, I can't give a ton of examples of when I perceived it to be true, but I KNOW she does. She has\had completely destroyed my self-esteem to the point where I'm almost dead inside. I let her.
People would think, looking at us, that we do great. A 'modest' 500K in our home and vehicles and additional real estate. And if I had to live under a ROCK to get her to treat me respectfully FULL TIME...
Ohhhhh, the cheating phase? Yes, approaching our 3rd year together, I freaked out mentally. I was soooo sure that when I left her (in pursuit of a woman who I've seen get her nose broken by her live-in boyfriend - I realize this would never have lasted) that I would never come back. But I did. And because I felt so 'worthy' and 'noble' when I was with the other woman, when that fizzled, I went looking again. And, the change in the wife's behavior was temporary. It wasn't until I realized that for many reasons, I had to make a decision as to whether to stay or leave.
I thought she would change. I was SOOOO IN LOVE before, and I wanted it back.
And she did - a little. Again, abuse doesn't dissipate, it just changes forms. Until now I thought 'well this attitude and action isn't as bad'. The clubbing me REDUCED, but clubbing in the other sense INCREASED dramatically (more later).
I stopped the cheating. I even confessed to what I had done with no requested detail coveted. I thought I could 'regain my honor'. I just could not live with myself. Funny thing, right when I made the decision to stop, she started... and with women. This was revealed the other day during a 'deep convo'. 10 years have passed since she mentions the first time, and last week Sunday the most recent. All this unraveled when I caught her with her finger between her friends wet ones at the end of a pool party at the house last summer.
Now, you might say 'Well that's what you deserve'. My response is TRY LIVING THROUGH WHAT I'VE LIVED THROUGH BEFORE YOU JUDGE!!! Really, I felt she would cheat in return, but I also felt like it was unfair for her to do it. People (or more directly 'she') would say "That's what YOU did, its what YOU wanted, none of that is my responsibility." When I look back (which she refers to as 'living in the past' although the past is just a watered down 'version of the present day') - I can't help but ask myself why I am still here? And she takes ABSOLUTELY NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR "What I did", or why I have these feelings or NOTHING - this is NOT meant to be a paraphrase. I cant really say its because we were arguing at the time, her behavior shows it to be her thoughts on the matter.
Arguments and disagreements... Sure, bring them on. But with her it can be scary. I consciously move around so I can be in 'jump back space' whenever it gets bad. I shake, I feel like I'm going to keel over and die at those times... not because of the topic at hand, but because I KNOW if I say something that pushes her over my glasses might get knocked off my face. And she likes to get IN my face on top of that.
I've let her use my deepest fear of losing my family (or what I could salvage) against me, personal guilt and all. Nowadays 'I'm crazy'... she once had me take a piss test for crack.
Then, I get "Hey you just watch, we're going to be rich".
Then I get "You're right. I DON'T respect you. You know why...?"
That will eventually be followed by why I suck at this or that and didn't finish college or nurture a successful business idea.
The whole while defending myself with "Plenty of people don't have degrees" and then "I thought this argument was about.... NOT my college degree" "I beat Bush in the tech arena" crying bull.
That's followed by the whole "How my failure to complete college relates to my inability to keep a job or 'handle responsibility'; always dwelling in the past"
Followed by how she is so 'positive' and spiritual and how I only think of the negative
Finally, if it's not a "SCREW YOU TOO" attitude floating around, I MIGHT get "Well... I DO want to go out tonight though baby" - This is the last straw for me... its been 10 years of Friday Saturday and possibly Sunday nights out until 6-7AM.
This is the closest (writing this post I mean) I've come to professional help since our failed marriage counseling sessions of which - they are right - not only was a waste, but MADE THINGS WORSE ('We've been there' type attitude).
The abusee lives in the past, because the abuser will always be abusive. The roles DON'T change. The abusee, if NOW capable for whatever reason, gathers the inner-strength to free themselves, that's what will happen. They have to be strong enough to STAY GONE. Otherwise, you WILL become dependent on the abuser, because they instill the thought that you cant make it without them. You will feel USED UP. TRAPPED. As a man, I guarantee you will hurt her badly if she doesn't get you first.
For like the Nth time, they WON'T, they CAN'T make that change. It's THEM and part of WHO THEY ARE. MAYBE when they meet the next potential mate, it will be better controlled. But if you've been in it as long as I have, I feel its unrecoverable. I hate my marriage and resent what its done to me (and her, believe it or not) over the years. I'll be 35 soon and I'm just getting TOO OLD FOR THIS CRAP.
LEAVE!
I try to sit back and go over all the things considering abuse. Our modern world has it's good points and bad, and people are very stressed out these days ... no job security, great pay fluctuations, trying to buy a house, trying to keep your house and raising kids. It's tough! When the pressure hits some people over and over again and they never seem to get a break tempers can fly. It's tough being "all things" to your mate and none of us are perfect. Words can be said we don't mean or even a slight push during an argument. At some point in EVERY person's life and for what they consider survival instincts they will use a person to a degree by picking that person's weak points and aiming right for it. We have all been there at least once whether we want to admit it to ourselves or not. Most of us move on from this, but many do not and thus, the abuser is born.
If you live with an abuser, but they are not physically abusive (therefore there isn't much to fear, but having your feelings hurt from miserable comments directed at you or embarrassing moments around family and friends) then that survival instinct will kick in sooner or later and the abused person will fight back. This is a no win situation and by fighting back you have to stoop to the level of your abuser and thus, you become not only the victim of mental abuse, but also an abuser yourself. Abusers have a lot of self control issues going on in their heads and percieve the world differently than many of us do and so it's his/her way and no other way. You can't change an abuser yourself and unless they are willing to seek out professional help they will never change.
It's best to leave an abuser before you become one yourself.
Marcy
Well being in an abusive relationship myself and not coming from any previous consistently abusive environments--it was hard for me to recognize the relationship as abusive. It started out very subtely and eventually become very blatant and physical to myself and to my child--that is when I had enough!!!!
I agree with the previous person that we all do and say things we regret later--but most of us recognize it and go forth with apologizing and making amends. It is the abuser who doesn't recognize their behavior as such and will live in denial. They are seeking to obtain control in just about every facet of their partner's life and in doing so they are destroying the relationship and their partner's self esteem. They are more concerned with their own needs and desires and cannot/do not express individuality, automony, or separateness from their partner.
So, to finally answer your question: I don't believe one can be and abuser and an abusee. Since abuse is generally all about control and power over an abuser and abusee cannot coexist. If one were and abusee they are not seeking power/control. However, one who has continually been abused may take on abusive behavior themselves, especially toward their abuser and even in other relationships. Although this is inappropriate behavior and response--Abuse perpetrates abuse---generally. Now, I am not condoning that type of response seeing as we all have choices of how we will behave/speak/think/act.
God Bless
How to feel good about yourself When your girlfriend lies about you to her friends?
- You need to communicate with your girlfriend sternly that you do not appreciate her badmouthing you to her friends. In fact, tell her to move on as someone that loves you doesn't put you down to others. You can do much better than the girlfriend you have.
Immediately tell your parents or another trusted adult and then call the police to report the incident.
Do not hesitate to report this incident. It is a crime to assault another person. If not for yourself, please help protect any future women who may come into a relationship with this idiot.
I agree, you should tell your parents or at very least your mum. Get yourself some support from the people who really do love and care about you. Don't let him grind you down by making you feel guilty or bad, this is his fault and his violence against you and you do not and should not put up with this. Once is once too many!
In a dual oprating system how can you delate one oprting system?
The second operating system should be on a different partition or disk. If you format the partition/disk that the unwanted operating system is on, the machine will have no choice but to boot to the remaining operating system.
How long does the abusive partner stay away?
- Many abusive partners are controlling and use either verbal abuse (calling the victim names; taking away their self confidence and alienating them from family and friends) to physical violence (hitting; kicking; giving the victim any wound on their body; split lip; missing teeth; black eyes or broken bones.) Often the abuse goes unreported and some abusive partners will actually take their victim into the hospital for treatment, but the victim can be fearful or brain-washed into thinking they can't get along without their abuser and will lie to protect the very person who abused them. If the abusive person is forced to leave their victim alone by a court of law or imprisoned there is still a high risk that the abuser feels their partner (victim) is still their property and may well go after the victim once again. Unfortunately, some abuser will feel 'if I can't have them then no one else is' and murder is involved. In a few cases the abusive partner will just walk away and not enter the victim's life again.
The quote 'The truth shall set you free' comes into play. If someone is holding back deep, dark secrets about their past or even present endeavors and they tell someone about it then the burden of hiding the secret(s) they fear begins to vanish and hopefully a healing process can begin. Just admitting ones secrets is not enough unless the person learns from their mistakes and become a better person from those experiences.
Is it possible for a woman to abuse a man and what are the signs?
Yes, and the signs can be the exact same as if she was a man.
- Society does not accept a woman hitting a man, but, some people do not take it that seriously because the man is much stronger than the woman and can control the situation. Men being stronger can do far more damage to a woman if he chooses to hit her. However, laws are changing and if a woman hits a man with an object; bites; causes bodily injury then the police can be called in and she can be taken away in handcuffs. The boyfriend or husband has a right to press charges if he so chooses. It has only been the past six to eight years that society has realized that men can be physically abused from a partner. Men are generally brought up not to hit a woman and most don't so some women count on that fact and take full advantage of that. It is up to the male partner to stop this type of behavior and has the right to have her arrested (if very serious) or leaving her and few relatives or friends would blame him. Men shouldn't hit a woman and a woman shouldn't hit a man and that is how most of society sees it.
How do you not look suspicious?
Golden Rule- Look the person in the eye, keep from shaking, Never look back
There is no Jodie DeFeo in real life. This character is an invention of the book/movie.
Why was he trying not to be abusive but he was?
- Men who are abusive generally have learned this from the environment in which they grew up. Some men have a short fuse and blast off with either verbally abusive words or they become physically abusive with their partner. Some men know deep inside it is wrong, but don't know how to get help and most men refuse to seek psychological counseling because it makes them feel weak and not masculine. If he refuses to get help then you have the power to get out of the abusive relationship.
How do I stop my ex-wife from harassing me through abuse of legal processes.?
Counter sue her and make sure your reason is a really strong one. Your attorney can help you with that. If she is going to keep taking you to court- then right back at her. It is costing her a fortune to be a petty, stupid vengeful little girl. If you hit her hard enough with your counter suit, you make break her bank and she'll have to come up with another way to harass you. BUT...if there is even a little merit to her charges against you, you'd better clean up your act til it sparkles then try to get the judge to order her to stop. Do they dismiss the charges each time? If so, you are establishing a solid foundation for abuse of the court system in the name of revenge.
How should a man handle a woman he considers abusive especially when the abuse often triggers rage?
I think the man should separate from the woman...immediately. This is not to condone the rage or angry behavior (shouting?), but it seems to be an imperfect response to inexcusable behavior. It is a vicious cycle and is not good for either party. If it is early in the relationship and otherwise things are good, a good communication class for both parties might be in order. But if the abusive behavior continues, then it is a deal breaker to the relationship.
There is little difference between male and female abusers. See the external links further down this page.
Before I could offer any suggestions - I need to have EXPLAINED what is meant by "the rage such abuse often triggers?" It sounds like - when you are abused? you then rage. Is this the case??? If you are raging at her then in all probability and from experience - she is trying to defend herself!!!!!!!!!!
Abuse is abuse period. I am a man that recently left an abusive relationship with a female Narcissist. The abuse was mostly non-verbal - silent treatment, withdrawing and other manipulating, control tactics that infected me like a slow poison over time. I made a stand and left the woman, which is the only viable option. It hurt tremendously, but you have to respect yourself.
One method abusers use is to revicitmize the vicitm by including the naive commmunity in on joining him in order to do so.
It is best to leave abusive relationships in the past.
Read below:
Stalkers and the Borderline Personality
The Borderline Personality
In recent years psychologists have learned about and done case studies on a new personality disorder which the DSM-III-R classifies as an Axis II disorder- the Borderline Personality . This classification includes such personality disorders as the Anti-social Personality, the Histrionic Personality and the Narcissistic Personality. Several psychologists (including myself) diagonosed my stalker as afflicted with the Borderline Personality. Characteristic of the Borderline (derived from research done by Kreisman & Straus, 1989) are:
a shaky sense of identity
sudden, violent outbursts
oversensitivity to real or imagined rejection
brief, turbulent love affairs
frequent periods of intense depression
eating disorders, drug abuse, and other self-destructive tendencies
an irrational fear of abandonment and an inability to be alone
Not much research has been done on the Borderline Personality, and for many years it was difficult to diagnose- and to treat. A Borderline often feels as though his/her life is marked with a distinctive emptiness; a void in which a relationship often acts to fill. Many times the Borderline is a victim of an early dysfunctional family situation and/or emotional/physical abuse by those he/she trusted early on in childhood.
The Borderline is psychotic , in the original, psychological meaning of the term: he/she is not in control and not in touch with reality. To the Borderline, a softly spoken word of advice can be construed as a threat on his/her emotional stability. An outsider's viewpoint that the Borderline is not in touch with reality often ends in a bitter and irrational dissassociation from the outsider on the part of the Borderline. Often, the Borderline ends up very much alone and victim to his/her disillusions.
The Borderline stalker is very apt to see his/her actions as perfectly justified; he/she has paranoid disillusions which support these-often with disturbing frequency. The Borderline often has brief love affairs which end abruptly, turbulently and leave the Borderline with enhanced feelings of self-hatred, self-doubt and a fear that is not often experienced by rational people. When the Borderline's relationships turn sour, the Borderline often begins to, at first, harass the estranged partner with unnecessary apologies and/or apologetic behavior (i.e. letters of apology 'from the heart', flowers delivered at one's place of employment, early morning weeping phonecalls, etc.). However, the Borderline does not construe his/her behavior as harassment- to the Borderline he/she is being 'responsible' for his/her past behaviors.
The next phase of the Borderline Personality develops relatively quickly and soon he/she feels suddenly betrayed, hurt, etc. and seeks to victimize the estranged partner in any way he/she can. Strangely enough, this deleterious behavior is always coupled with a need to be near or in constant contact with the estranged partner . While sending threats to the estranged partner, it is very common for the Borderline to begin to stalk his/her estranged partner in an effort to maintain contact. This effort is motivated by the excruciating fear that the Borderline will end up alone and anger that [the estranged partner] has put him/her in this position. We are finding, in many cases, that a great deal of stalking behavior is associated with Borderline or related personality disorders. Earlier research did not incorporate the Borderline Personality in stalking profiles; research now is beginning to focus on the Borderline in such disorders as Erotomania, etc.
IF I have understood the question correctly, it sounds as if the abuser (in this case a woman) may be trying to provoke her male partner into attacking her physically. If this is the case, DON'T fall for it. DON'T get into a rage; just walk out. What she is doing sounds like calculated trickery based on the knowledge that for many people the key image of domestic violence is that of a man beating up his female partner. Although professionals, such as social workers and judges may be theoretically aware that there are many forms of emotional abuse, many have real problems getting to grips with the concept. Consider, too, that if your abuser can 'turn the tables' on you and make you appear the abuser, she will feel morally as high as high can be.
IF I've understood the situation correctly, and it's quite possible that I haven't, and IF your partner is succeeding in sending you into a monumental rage, then arguably you are two consenting adults playing a very dangerous game of 'abuse me'. (I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but something in the relationship seems odd over and above the abuse. On the face of it, you seem to be claiming the right to rage on the grounds that the abuse is so painful. Get out before something worse happens.
What is a solution to domestic violence?
There are many options:
-- seek counseling
-- call the domestic violence hotline 1-800-799-SAFE
-- if necessary, move out before it escalates
you are an abuser if you demean the other person (tell them they are worthless, stupid, lame, etc). whatever makes the person feel small and "less than" is abuse
Why is my wife verbally abusive constantly critisizing me and everyone else?
* Depression * Some medications can cause mood swings so if she's on medications look up the side effects on the Internet. * Peri menopause (just before a woman ceases to have her period and this can occur in mid-30's up.) Hormones are jumping all over the place. * Menopause can affect women as young as their mid-30's onward and this is time when their periods cease. They suffer from night sweats, depression, mood swings and crying spells. They can also be quick to anger. If this could be the cause then she should see her doctor as there are medications to help level off hormones. * She could be unhappy and feel unfulfilled in her marriage and isn't communicating with you, so it's time you sat down with her and asked her why she feels the way she does. * Certain diseases can cause mood swings. * Neurological problems. (rare.) * Women in their 50's can also have the start of Dementia (Alzheimer's) so your wife should get a good physical.
How can you get your brother out of jail because of his ex girlfriend who abused him?
Find a way to dispute the charges in court and prove he is innocent. If you can't prove he is innocent of what he was charged then you can't do anything other than, perhaps, putting up bail for him until the trial ends.
- Your mother is well aware of what type of man she has married and it is up to her to try and resolve the problem. You and your brother should sit down with your mother when your step-dad is not there and tell her how you both feel. If things get really bad and your mother does nothing about abusive behavior by your step-dad then you can phone Child Aid and have them resolve the issue.
No, only if you haven't tried your best and given it your all. If you haven't tried, try! If you try and still can't quite get whatever your after, hey at least you tried. don't feel bad! we all fail at some point in our lives! hey i dropped out of pre-algebra with a 57% for cryin' out loud! =:) just pick up the pieces and build something else out of them =:)
Why do guys come back just to leave you?
There could be other intentions. Be sure to figure out what their intentions really are before allowing them to come back. Maybe they just feel that they want you in their life but also don't at the same time
How does constant nagging affect your husband?
It can make men edgy and depressed because it's obvious men and women don't always think the same. If a wife nags at her husband all the time he simply doesn't know how to deal with it and it's called 'wife deaf.' Nagging a husband isn't going to get a woman anywhere. It's best to communicate your feelings to your husband and in a calm manner express to him why you are angry and what you are angry about. It's important to share responsibilities around the house and if there are any children so he knows how much work goes into keeping up a home and raising children. Yelling, getting into arguments over what he does do wrong only strips him of his manhood and some men will seek another relationship to fulfill their needs or some men can just shut-down and become brow-beaten. Most problems in a marriage is pure lack of communication.
