Breakups

If the couple were married and the husband dies the woman is a 'widow.' If the wife dies then her husband is called a 'widower.'

Some people have a difficult time with commitments in a relationship and you sound like you have one of these types of guys. He probably wants to be with you, but is either afraid or just doesn't like responsibility. He could also be checking to see if you are dating anyone. If you want this relationship to go anywhere, be pleasant on the phone to him, but start dating and don't make yourself so available to him. That's should get the lead out of his butt! Let him know you are waiting around. Good luck Marcy Sounds as though the other partner cannot come to terms with the break up and is still caught up with the old routine. Let your phone go to voicemail on occasion. Time is what is required. It sounds like he is still madly in love with you. If he didn't care about you he would'nt be calling. I feel the same way, it's hard when you don't get to say goodbye's. I believe everyone that has a heart, needs some type of closure. That's what makes us human after all, those who don't, well I guess they are heartless and have no soul.

I hope you have learned a lesson from 'second guessing' your boyfriend or boyfriends to come. Unless they are caught cheating or you know for sure they are then you're just considered the jealous type and men of any age don't like women with a jealous streak. All you can do is phone him and apologize and hope he'll go out on a date with you providing he doesn't have a steady girlfriend. If you have jealousy issues then seek counseling. Assuming you really are sure he was trustworthy, restoring his hurt feelings and trust in you might take some time. If you haven't already done so, openly share with him how mistaken you were and tell him how sorry you are. Don't be surprised if he doesn't immediately respond to this, but make it clear that you want to restore the relationship if he would like to. Tell him it is up to him and that you will understand if he feels the damage done was too great...and mean it. Are there some nice things you could do for him that he would like that aren't too pushy or involve you hanging around too much? Don't be surprised if he tries to ignore or hurt you back - just remember that he is working through a major hurt, and try to avoid negative responses.

As mentioned above, you may fall into the same trap again unless you deal with the feelings of insecurity that led to this situation arising. Even if it is not with this guy, it will just as likely surface again in later relationships.

No, it's an impossibility. You will retain some good or bad memories of that person, but in time those memories will fade and not bother you as much as they once had. From every person we meet whether they are good or bad they leave an 'imprint' in your personality and you can learn from the bad traits of this person and know in your own heart that you don't want to be like that person or, you can learn some good qualities from good people.

You could ask him if he is, but not just coming out and saying it. That would make your relationship end up having problems because of a lack of trust or something like that. You should talk about his past a little, but be nice about it, and say something like "i was just thinking.. "and then ask him in the way you think you should ask him.

You can tell by the way you feel towards him and the way he makes you feel.

It certainly depends on the reason she moved out but you could begin by talking and spending time together "date" and take it slow - see how things go. Don't rush back into long term commitment or living together. That will happen if it is to when your both ready again.

I think you should ignored him. The only think he is doing is wanting to have two girls at the same time and you are helping him to get what he wants. you should let him know that you are not the other girl that if he wants something he should let her go. If you are really in love with him you should go out with your friends and you don't maybe you find someone that reallly apreciate you, and take you serious and have a god relationship. is not worth to be the other one.

She did say she loved you and later obviously retracted her statement. She could be confused or immature. She certainly should have told you why you breaking up. You have a right to know. Don't chase her and start dating. Perhaps when she sees you dating other girls she'll have second thoughts. If not, you will meet someone else that you'll fall in love with. I can guarantee that one. Good luck Merry Christmas Marcy She broke up with me because I became an internet junky shortly after my Mom's death in March of 2004. She said that I pushed her away and shut her out of my life for 2 years. I did not do this intentionally, but I now know I was using the internet as a means for dealing with the pain of my loss. In other words, if I were on the computer 24/7, I would not have to feel my pain. Big mistake!!! She just wanted to be included in my life and I pushed her away. I am doing everything in my power to show her now how much I care. When I ask her if she wants to save the relationship, she says I don't know. She maintains that she loves me and I am the love of her life, but she is just not in love with me anymore. We work together and so she has seen the positive changes that I have made in my life over the last month and I think she is pleased. She has said that she thinks the only thing she has left is friendship. But, hey, we were best friends long before we were lovers. She has built a wall between us and I can feel it. When I asked her to take the wall down, she will tell me she is not ready to yet. I asked her why, and she said that she didn't want to be hurt any more. We had been together 11 years and worked through lots of issues. She is a very sensitive person and I'm afraid I have killed everything she ever felt for me. She moved out of our home 1 day after Thanksgiving. Most of our friends tell me to just give her time and space and do little things that show her I love her. Your friends are very wise and I'd take their advice. My own mother passed away and I can certainly understand the grieving process you went through and we all deal with it differently. We should pull those we love and trust closer and not push them away. You should have held her close and had a good cry. Men that cry on occasion are men I look up too and most women don't find these type of men weak at all. I think your ex girlfriend needs to grow up a little. She should have instinctively known how you felt over the loss of your mother and just been there. I would say she has a bit of growing to do herself. I am sure she's a wonderful girl, so do as your friends say and just prove to her you've gotten over your grief and are on the mend. I must warn you though, if she runs away when you need her most (even if you were on the computer 24/7) I'd have booted your butt and given you the option of getting off the computer and talking to a real person and then helped you as much as possible. If she didn't do this then you may not be able to count on her if you should ever need her again. Good luck Merry Christmas Marcy She gave me subtle hints, i.e., "why don't you come to bed?", "if you'd get off the computer", stuff like that. I just wasn't paying attention. I just didn't do anything with her anymore and I didn't want to go anywhere. I can only imagine how she felt during this time. I know she felt the spark and passion was gone out of our relationship. But it really bothers me that she gave up so easily. I guess she had already made up her mind. She kept telling me I have to do this for me, this is something I've got to do. And the fact that she hasn't phoned me but three times in the last month is very disturbing to me. It's almost like she has made up her mind that it's over. My aunt died Friday and I called her and told her. Of course, I was upset. She called me back and said, "even though we're just friends, I still care." It's like she's trying to convince herself that she is just my friend now. I've already heard the "just friends" comment a couple of times before. What's that about? Oh, well. I know that I am strong and I can make it. Every day without contact from her I get a little stronger. RJ Hi RJ: I do apologize, I did mean to tell you how terrible I feel about your mother passing on and now your aunt. You don't sound all that old, and my mother passed away a year ago and she was 83 years old and I still felt crummy and I did go through a grieving period as well. I did communicate how I felt to my husband, family and friends though. It felt better to talk about my feelings, but I knew it was a road I had to go down on my own. I did, and I'm fine now and I'm filled with wonderful memories of my mother. Your ex girlfriend actually sounds like a nice girl and it appears she does have some wisdom when she told you the way you were handling your mother's death was strictly up to you, but appears she's not quite there yet when it comes to being wise about the grieving process. When most women lose a loved one to death they can either go into a shell, into hysterics or, they will often communicate with their husband/boyfriend, family member or a good friend. When most men feel a loss they try to be the man of the family and not show any emotions and cut loose when they are alone. That's the way society led men to believe they should act, and a wise man (and a wise woman) would understand that men have a right to cry as well. It's OK to lean on someone else for a change. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG! She didn't wait around long enough for you to deal with your mother's death because each individual grieves at their own pace. The only way you knew how to handle it was by being on the computer. There is no "set time" to get over grieving. However, it's good for anyone to discuss what they feel about death and how they feel about losing a loved one. Until one has a good cry or kicks their door in and gets the anger out of them because they think it's unfair the person died, then they aren't healing in their grieving time. It doesn't matter how much we think we are strong when it comes to losing a loved one. Mortality slaps us in the face and death has a way of creeping up on people. I am 64 years old and 15 years ago I actually read a lot about dying and found that it's just a "circle of life." We are born, we live and hopefully learn good lessons in the world, and we die. Dying isn't really our greatest enemy, it's time! It's wasting time over things we shouldn't be wasting time on. For example: It's OK to grieve over the loss of your mother, but then, it's time to realize that's how it is and all the grieving in the world isn't going to bring her back. Here is a question I would like you to ask yourself right out loud: "What would mom think if I was acting like this?" Well, I think your mom would kick you in the butt! LOL Your mom is in a much better place, and here you are stuck down here with the rest of us with some living and learning to do. I always believe that babies that pass away are God's special angels and aren't meant to be here, and that young people to different ages of people die because their work is done on earth. Even the evil teach us lessons as far as what is the wrong things to do. Our loved ones and any good friends have left us with many good lessons in life and hopefully we learn from them and we should make them proud. More people should have a faith in their life. I am Christian, but, if you are of another belief then lean on your faith. Faith of any type makes us a whole individual and gives us strength. We can look and act strong, but what about our souls? Faith is a wonderful healer and if you really believe there is a Supreme Being then you will NEVER feel alone. It's like having a constant buddy along for the ride of life. I believe good people in our lives leave "imprints" on our hearts. They have filled our lives with adventure (whether that means arguing, caring, loving) and we should hold those memories close to us and honor the deceased by getting on with life and learning, harvesting wisdom that we can pass on to others. I think your girlfriend is still very much in love with you, but you have to start talking! She has still showed her support by telling you she's there after you let her know your aunt died. Now, it's a pure tragedy you have lost two people you love that close together, but I think you are pulling the sympathy strings a little too much. I have a girlfriend that is 42 and lost both parents in 7 months. I also have a friend that lost her 22 year old son in an unfortunate car accident, and another girlfriend who lost her husband in a semi accident (not his fault) and is living along raising two children. So if they can do it so can you! Here is what I think you should try: Phone up your girlfriend and tell her that you did the best you could when your mother died and you are learning to cope with it. Tell her you realize she was always there for you and you just couldn't respond at the time. Ask her if you could meet for a coffee or go for a walk (make it a private time.) When you see her express what you were feeling at the time, then tell her you are dealing with it and getting through it. Tell her you love her! RJ you can't expect her to hang around forever giving what support she can and you are going around dog faced and not expressing yourself. It's OK to grieve, but please, try to put a smile on your face and give that girl a big hug. She's doing the best she can. She too is probably afraid of death, but if you don't fight this and try to understand death to some degree and pull on your faith, there is nothing more this girl can do. Thank God, you have her! It's now your turn to carry on with life and make your mother and aunt proud of you. There is nothing to feel guilty about by going out to a movie with your girlfriend or even having a laugh or two. It's not disrespectful! The "just friends" comment means: I've tried to get you to communicate with me and was there for support, but I can't handle it anymore." If one is helping another person and they get no response then they have to build up a wall of protection around their own hearts and move on. This is where you have put your girlfriend. "COMMUNICATION" comes before sex because without it, none of our lives makes sense. You'll be fine and I suggest you go to grief counseling. Lots of people do. There are people there that have lost children of all ages, wives, husbands, boyfriends, girlfriends, etc. and it really does help. By doing this it will show your girlfriend you are making an effort. I have no doubt you are a man of few words, so now it's time to get that sadness out of your system by attending grief counseling. It's a wonderful thing! Good luck & I care! Marcy Thank you so much for your words of wisdom. It did my heart some good to read them. I know my girl knows that I am trying. I realized after she left that I had not even had a life since Mom came to live with us. And by the way, she was so good to my Mom. We had to put my Stepdad in a nursing home and Mom came to live with me. I have lost at least 7 immediate and extended family members since March of 2004: My mom in March, my stepniece's stillborn baby in April, my stepnephew-in-law's grandmother in April, my aunt (Mother's sister) in September, my stepdad in October, and my another aunt (Mother's oldest sister) in December and my mother's stepbrother. So I feel like I haven't been given the chance to grieve until I've turned around and grieving again. It's been hard. I am only 45 years old. She is 37. My girl also knows the pain of losing her parents. She lost her Mom on New Year's Day in 1993 and her father 1 week before Thanksgiving in 1994. We were together in 1994 when she lost her father. She has only 1 brother and sister-in-law in her immediate family. One of her statements to me was that she had wanted me there when she lost her dad but she felt like I had pushed her away after I lost my Mom. And you're right. Different people grieve differently. I turned my grief inside when she was there all the time to help me through it. I was holding all my grief inside and trying to be so strong so the rest of my family wouldn't worry about me. I had to be strong for my kids. Two weeks ago, the damn burst and all those feelings came to the surface. I told her that I needed her to come over because she was the only one I trusted with these feelings and the manner in which I dealt with them. I broke down in front of her and just let it all out. She kept herself pretty distant and just rubbed me on the shoulder. She just mainly let me talk and get it out. She knows that I feel so much better now. Since then, I have lost that extra weight I've been carrying around. I've been dressing better at work and looking better in general. I'm now getting the sleep that I need instead of sitting at the computer until 1:00 a.m. or later. I have begun reading again which is one of the things we always did before we went to bed at night. I'm going places and seeing friends once again. And I feel like I'm alive again. I know she has noticed because her friends have told me so. Heck, even she told me I was looking really good. Tonight, she came over and helped me with a project I was working on for my stepbrothers and stepsister for Christmas. Instead of leaving after we were done like she normally does, she stayed for a while and visited. We just talked about general stuff. But it feels so right to me to be with her. All her friends tell me she still loves me and to just give her time. That's all I'm doing. I know you can tell she means the world to me. I don't want a divorce so I've agreed to give her her space. She moved out 1 day after Thanksgiving. Since that time, I have been trying to better myself and show her that I love her more than anything in the world. But I am taking it slow and just going with the flow like her friends said. At this point, I would be happy if she would just see me three or four times a week. Up until now, there has been little contact, other than work, between us. Yes, we work at the same place and I have to see her everyday. One day at a time is all I'm doing right now and taking things at her pace. I do not beg, plead, pledge my love or try to make her feel guilty over leaving me. And I do not call her unless I must. Sometimes I feel like giving up because I don't know where she's at in her head or heart. It was so hard to hear her say that she was not in love with me anymore, but she still loved me. Some days I'm just so confused. Thank you again for your kind words. Any help is much appreciated as I go through this. RJ Hi again RJ It's great to hear from you again and thank you for sharing your private life with me. I am so proud of you for getting yourself together. Don't give up on your girlfriend! One does not just "fall out of love" over something like this. She is guarding her heart right now, and trying to keep control of her own feelings and now I realize just how much this poor girl has gone through too when death came knocking at her door. You have much in common so that's a good start for a successful relationship. Your friends are right and I think she still loves you. You are smart to take it slow and easy. Perhaps after the holidays you could discuss going on a small vacation together and just have some fun and a few laughs. Sometimes getting away from your environment is a help. You have done remarkably well for all the deaths you have had to go through in such a short period of time. You are one strong guy! If this woman didn't love you then she wouldn't be there. Just because she didn't hug you close doesn't mean she doesn't love you. Remember, you pushed her away before and she's not quite sure if you'll do it again. Give her time. Perhaps the pain of losing those she loved is still quite fresh in her own mind, and since she had to be strong for you she didn't want to start crying herself. You are doing all the right things, so keep doing it and I bet by next year you will have picked up your relationship again. Please keep in touch on this board RJ. I do check the "watchlist" for myself and answer any messages to me. Take good care of YOU, and I'm so proud of you. You're over half way to healing my friend. Good luck God Bless Marcy Today was such a fun day at work. We had our annual Christmas party and we will be off for 2 weeks. While I was outside smoking (yeah, I know bad habit) my girl came out to smoke with me. She asked me to get her keys out of her pants pocket and open her car door so that she could put her gifts up. I did. We stood around and made general small talk. Later, I was sitting around visiting with some of the other employees and someone threw something and hit me in the back. I turned around and my girl had thrown a potatoe chip at me. I picked it up and threw it back at her. We continued doing this for a little while, and we were laughing and acting like a couple of kids. She is coming over Christmas Eve to dog-sit for me while I go to my family get-together. She told me I really didn't need her for that short of a time. I just told her it was up to her. Later, I told her that I just felt like since her friends would all be with their families and she would be by herself, at least she could come over here and play with the dogs and play on the computer or whatever. Of course, I'm hoping that when I get home, we have a chance to talk. Not necessarily about us, but like we used to do. I would like to ask her to spend the night, as "friends" so she doesn't have to be alone, but I will have to play that by ear. She seems to be seeking out more contact with me in the last week and I am doing just what her friends said, going with the flow. There is some flirting going on between us and I'm just taking it as it comes for now. I know that we are no where near the stage where she is coming home. Heck, I don't even know what's going on in her head. I did tell her the other night that she looked like she had something on her mind. She said, "yeah, you know how I am." And I asked her if she wanted to talk about it. She said no. I just said okay. And we went on about our business. I am still so hopeful that she is still in love with me, but I am cautious too. I have been invited out for New Year's Eve to a dance and I think I will go, just for the sake of not having to sit here by myself. I am not looking for anyone or anybody. Anyway, one of our co-workers told her that I was going out on New Year's. She hasn't let on one way or another what she's thinking about me going out. But I just can't fold up and sit by the phone and wait on a call that may never come. I must go on! I do know that she likes my 180 turnaround. I'm more like myself than I have been in a long time. Everyday is a new day and I'm just that much closer to being myself again. And you're right, that is what she fell in love with. Thanks! RJ Hi RJ It sounds as if things are going extremely well and I'm so happy for you. Both of you have been hurt by loved ones passing away, so it takes a bit for each individual to grieve and we can all do it in different ways. The bit in the office sounds like things are running very smoothly. I had to giggle that she was coming over to dog sit, because I have my 19 year old nephew coming to dog sit my 2 dogs! How we spoil them! LOL That is nice of her and if she didn't care about you a whole lot she wouldn't waste her time doing this for you. Glad to hear you are taking things slow and easy and one day at a time. Things will heal and you two will get back to the way things use to be when they were good between you. It only takes time. You didn't say if you were invited to a New Year's Eve dance by a girl, and if not, hey, what's wrong with you RJ??????? I'd ask your ex girlfriend and say something like, "You know, neither one of us are doing all that much, but I've been invited to a New Year's dance so why don't we go together ... no strings attached?" I bet she'd go! I am so happy to know you are starting to get over the grieving process RJ and are onto a happy future. There is life after our loved ones die. I always feel when someone I love dies on me that I must continue on and make them proud of me because everyone we love leaves an "imprint" in our hearts and lessons they have taught us whether they realize it or not. I am so pleased and happy for you RJ. You have a great New Year's Eve dance! Don't forget ... if you don't have a date ask your ex out on a casual basis. New Year's Eve dances have a way of being full of magic and you just never know what could happen. I sure don't mind if you want to continue talking to me and always interested in how people's problems are working out. I'm around! LOL Good luck Merry Christmas & I wish you wonderful things in 2006 Marcy

Hey ,

You need to forget about him think of a list about why being single is good . Or if that's not your idea try and find yourself someone else , but don't get in there too quick just think about what you can do to make it better than your other relationship .

If you could tell that the relationship was not going well should then it probably was for the best, and once you get in a new relationship, think about what went wrong in your previous relationship and try to prevent that from happening in this one. The thing about people is we usually always make the same mistakes until we are corrected.

This guy will be a part of your life for a very long time now and you will have to find a way to get along for your child's sake and being that he will be in your life you will have to learn how to deal with your feelings. Only time will allow you to get over him as well as your will to let him go - take that time but don't dwell on it. Also, your feelings may seem overwhelming now as your pregnant as well when you have the baby they may seem extra overwhelming but it is just hormonal.

Day 1 to start asking yourself other questions, such as "how can I get myself a new life, and cut with my past?" or "do I have a close friend I can rely on?" Honey, if your ex doesn't call, he's over your story or trying to. You should do the same, or you're going to get bitter and miserable. It's not worthy. When you'll know for sure YOU are over it as well (warning: it may take a lot of time), and only then, return back to your memories, study them and learn from the mistakes done, so they won't return to hunt you again, when you'll be with someone else. Good Luck.

Possibly but you cant rush this possess it takes time...if he broke up with you and he want to get back with you then play hard to get, let him know that he lost what he used to have...but then if you really like of love him, then forgive him and start over even if you are scared to do it. Remember everything happens for a reason. But if you try the realtionship over and it doesnt work out then dont get mad just know that you tried...move on

If you got apart due to incompatibilities (I do believe life will be miserable if you have to live with someone with one characteristic you cannot stand with) it does not mean you cannot share sometime together. Liking each other may allow you both to become friends. Friends may even have a wonderful and healthy coloured friendship (my own experience) what many times easy to get along. Most important is to keep respect. Dare to have the freedom to be yourselves. Treat everyone as you would like to be treated.

Just break it off with your boyfriend beforesomething happens or someone says something that they don't mean... so just be careful how you go about handling things like that... I would just break it off so no one gets hurt though

It may appear that your boyfriend is very secure in nature, but by trying to make you jealous it actually screams out to you (or should) that he is indeed insecure! He wants to show-off to you that other women find him appealing, but the truth of the matter is I bet he makes the first move on a girl and she may think (when his back is turned) he's a real jerk. Sometimes at parties people have a little too much to drink or had some drugs and inhibitions run high. What they see in someone like your boyfriend at a party may differ if they are sober! Tell him that! When a couple are going together then they should treat each other with respect and if you don't expect this then you will never get it. Start standing on your own two legs girl and tell this guy to get off the pot or you're kicking him to the curb! He's being rude and arrogant.

if you feel unkown about how you feel about him you know that means you love him If he tells you he loves you and really mean it and you really love him you should let him know how you feel and tell him you love him to.

I think that if he has a girlfriend now and he is telling you these things, he might be lying he might just want to play games with both you and his current girlfriend I say start a brand new relationship with someone you like and ignore this guy. Tell him that if he loves you he would not be with his current girlfriend and to please stop lying to you and leave you alone, and to not play games with you. If he wants you he will end it with his girlfriend that in that case he does not love and he will be happy with you.

Basically, You just get to know her. Then become good friends. When you know she likes you initiate the kiss and go in for it.

It doesn't matter if he has a hectic schedule he has or if he has to travel a lot for work, etc. If he wanted to be in a relationship with you, he would be. He'd be calling and emailing you as a boyfriend, not as an ex. It sounds more like he wants to keep you as a "backup" in case his other dating prospects don't work out. The texts, emails and calls are a way of checking up on you to make sure you haven't moved on or are seeing someone else. It's also a good way for him to make sure that he's on your mind. It's unfair to you, because you obviously aren't moving on--you still are putting your life on hold in the hope he'll change his mind. Tell him you want to be in a relationship with him, and ask him if he agrees. If he beats around the bush with his "busy" excuse, ask him to stop contacting you.