Abusive Relationships and Domestic Violence

There are no easy answers and each situation is different. Here are some suggestions:

• I know that if you have other children it really does affect their mind set. He may have even gotten this habit from his father. If you do have other children, call social services immediately because not only you are being hurt you should think about what is best for him and the rest of your family. and you should do it fast before he goes too far, you never know if or when he may crack and maybe seriously hurt you or a loved one.

• If he does not have a fatherly figure in his live then get someone who is a family friend to talk to him through his problems and what it is he needs or what makes him so angry. If he's just bullying you for no reason try taking away some rewards - maybe his allowance or something. If all else fails try counseling and then hopefully it will get through to him what he is doing is wrong. If you have any other children that are being affected by his actions maybe social services are best . This action has to stop with you son now before something drastic happens to one or both of you.

• If you give him conditions, or ultimatums, those only serve as warnings and when he abuses you again, you have to act. So, don't do that. Set up an exit strategy and get moving on it as soon as possible. Immediately remove yourself from his reach. Change the locks. Close your bank account if he has access to it and set up another at another bank that he cannot get to. Obtain a post office box so you have control of your mail. You gave your son life, love and a start in life and that is all you owe him. Unfortunately, sometimes our plans for enjoying these people we raised just don't pan out and you have to let them go. If you find that the son can manipulate you into anything despite your best intentions, set up expectations that he has to provide the need for money, housing, food in writing and that you will provide as you wish...or not. Make sure he has made some movement on his own to solve the problem--don't solve it for him. When you don't provide these things, he will definitely find someone else to provide it for him and when he runs out of friends, he will hopefully do it himself.

• You should immediately stop your "unconditional love". If for masochistic reasons you still wish to engage this young person, my advice to you would be to condition your love. Sign a contract with him: you want my adoration, admiration, approval, warmth, you want my home and money available to you as an insurance policy? If you do these are my conditions and if he says that he doesn't want to have anything to do with you anymore count your blessings and let go.

• Although these days people are more open minded than they used to be, it can be hard to face seeking assistance with filial abuse. Too often the assumption is made that as you are the mother it must be your fault, either for spoiling or abusing him, and this is far from always the case. There can be many other reasons, and all abusers are only too keen to pin the blame on their victims. You need to seek proper help, you need to go to a shelter, or a professional and explain what the situation is, in detail, and seek their advice. After that, I suspect you are going to have to place yourself outside your son's reach at least for a while, maybe for ever.

• This was my position for years. For others in a similar situation: you are doubtless carrying a huge burden of guilt, constantly turning over in your mind "where did I go wrong?" Often, this is not really the issue. You, like me, probably made a similar number of mistakes to the average parent. But your narcissistic (NPD) son has decided that you are to blame for all that he perceives as unsatisfactory in his life. You have become a scapegoat. You need to get to the point of accepting that your son doesn't like you and possibly never will. Often, distance is the only solution.

• Don't blame yourself for your son's abusive actions (I am assuming he is either an teenager). I am also assuming the abuse is physical. Tell him that you will no longer tolerate his abuse. The next time your son physically abuses you, have someone call the police or call them yourself. Make the police arrest him for assault and family violence. You may want to notify the police that you want a restraining order against your son that prohibits him from coming near you and your residence. If he is still a juvenile, when he is brought up on the charges, inform the judge and the prosecutor that you don't want him to receive a lenient sentence, make him serve jail time and try to see that he is mandated to go to mental counseling. Does this sound cruel? Maybe, to some people, but you sound like you love your son, despite what he has done to you. If he abuses you, he has the potential to abuse girlfriends, wives, or children, if he has any. His actions need to be prevented.

• Unconditional love is important no matter how difficult it is and if this parent puts these conditions on love, respect, etc., then that will create emotional problems for him now and later and create a rift between parent and son. However, it is fine to put conditions on privileges such as going out with friends or playing video games. Negative labeling is inappropriate, too, and causes emotional problems instead of remedying anything. Don't increase his frustration. (I know that it may even be tempting to do so at this point!) If he is between the ages of nine and 14, then this is typical, but still inappropriate. It is a phase that you need to be firm with him through. Unfortunately kids do that kind of stuff these days, especially if these kids have divorced parents. If he threatens you with a knife or something similar, then get him sent to juvenile hall. Maybe you could bring up the possibility anyway, since most kids that age are afraid to get into trouble with the law. Maybe he'll reform when he sees that as a real possibility. A lot of kids do as much as they think they can get away with. If he is an older teenager, then he has serious problems with something and you either need to get him counseling or send him to boot camp or to some male figure who will put him in his place. Maybe you can do both the counseling and one of the others. If he is 18 or older, then you may just have to kick him out.

• He needs to grow up and the only way he is going to achieve that is if he learns how to stand on his own two feet. My ex abusive partner did this to his mother (28 years old!) So she is used to being the source of abuse from her ex husband, his older brother (left when he was 30 after an argument and trashed her house and then turned around and said it was all her fault) and now him. She is now too afraid to live by herself, as she is a shell. She no longer has an identity! When he lived with me I expected him to act like an adult and he did, when we went to live with her to save for a house he turned into a spoiled little boy (the older one moved out a week before we moved in). He started to abuse me in front of her (he had never done anything like that before) and she once turned to me and said, 'I think some women deserve to be hit!' She created arguments between us. I got out fast. The scars are still healing and I wonder if I will ever be able to trust again as I was with this person for years until I saw his true nature. Don't indulge him and don't become addicted to abuse. Yes you are a mother a child is a gift, we help them to become healthy adults, if he pushes your boundaries then show him the door and let him find his own feet so he can become an adult. If he is still a teenager get some counseling. You are not doing anyone any favors by putting up with it, and you shouldn't. Be strong and don't let the bastards drag you down.

• Perhaps a son learns to abuse his mother after witnessing the same abuse by the father to the mother. After several years of witnessing this the son begins to behave in the same way. Does he want to "parallel" himself with the father to win the approval of the father? I have three sons and only the first "copies" his father's behavior. If the father stopped the abuse then maybe the son would also stop. Short of divorce I no longer see a way "out" for the mother.

• When you finally understand that your phenomenal offspring has become a privileged, entitled character who lacks appreciation or satisfaction of his demanding actions; recognize you as you have contributed to his concept of himself. Cut him off! Stop contributing with love, but with firm commitment. Let him experience the world fully for himself without your attitude creating a world that adores him, entitles him, etc. Mother birds leave their babes in the nest without food, in order for the baby to realize it's time for him to begin his own life without her contribution. It's the swiftest and hardest method for a mother to use, but it is necessary in an attempt to put that son outside a world created for him. What he does with his freedom is his choice, but at least, you are not prolonging the inevitable agony. Let him go to experience his own creativity while you're still around to offer suggestions and counseling he may be more likely to hear and appreciate.

• You should make your son understand very firmly that you are not going to tolerate the problems he is creating. Firmness and assertiveness is the key here. Being emotional (angry or sad) is not going to be of much use with the narcissists. If you become emotional then it means that you are still in his clutch. You should try to totally ignore his tantrums and not to take his behaviour personally because whatever he is doing, he is doing it out of personality disorder. Though it is very difficult to achieve this mindset but it is not impossible. You will definitely do your duty towards your son but that does not mean that you will have to stand all the nuisance he is making. Finally you must stop blaming yourself because you are only the victim of circumstances and you should seek professional help.

• When you are being abused by your adult son you keep him out of the house. Distance all contact with him. Remember how many times you over-looked what you thought was just his "eccentric nature". Once he became an adult he realized that any contract he made with his mother is not worth the paper it was written on. Besides, he is way too wonderful and superior to abide by the rules of a mere mortal. When, and only when you have proof that his life is again under control, you might try to see him in a public place; preferably in another town where you cannot be too badly humiliated by his violent temper tantrums. When heredity plays a part in the narcissistic psychopathic behavior of your son, above all, never be alone with your son and your husband at the same time. One will not protect you from the other. If you need rescuing from your son, your husband will never protect you. Rather than risk the wrath directed at himself he will join your son in tormenting you and he will enjoy it. Whether or not your son enjoys tormenting you is not the point. He will continue to do so as this is the only way he has ever managed to secure approval from his father. Though it is rare for your husband to abuse you in front of a witness he will do so in this case- if this is the only father and son activity they have ever enthusiastically shared.

• Perhaps your love for your son is hurting him, no matter what your intentions. It's time for that bird to fly, mom.

• As a mother of three children. One adult child, two teenagers still living at home. I can't comprehend or imagine what it would be like to be abused and afraid of my children. I have so much compassion for this mother. I have never experienced this situation, but the first thing I would do is call the police on this child. If anyone else laid a hand on me I would call the police. Why not call on the child? Before the police got there, my child would definitely know what abuse was. Where is the father? My husband would make the child understand that you don't lay a hand on your mother. Juvenile is a wonderful learning experience for wayward teenager.

• When Teenagers Threaten A Parent He Probably Means What He Threatens: Generally the sons of today are bigger than their own fathers and certainly too much for a mother to handle alone. Obviously you can't deal with this alone and his threats may just come true as you are well aware of. You don't know if he's been doing drugs or alcohol or both. The next time he gets angry and verbally or physically abusive run next door and phone the police. Tell the police officers you are charging him with assault. The police take family violence very seriously. Have them take him away in handcuffs (they will anyway.) Press charges against him and hopefully a judge will see fit as to what treatment he will get from there. It's time to walk away from your son as you no longer have control of him and he has no control over himself. You have a responsibility not just to yourself, but any siblings or anyone else living in the house to have your out of control son arrested and charged. I know that it breaks a mother's heart to see her child (no matter what age) act in this manner. There are questions as to 'where did I go wrong' to 'but, I'm his mother and I should see him through to the bitter end.' You are not to blame as your son is old enough to know right from wrong. He chose the roads to go down and you had nothing to do with it. There are simply no excuses for him. If you don't have him arrested you put yourself and anyone else in that house at great risk. Don't ever underestimate a threat or physical abuse. Many teens do exactly as they threaten. It's time to stop being an enabler and get some help for your son.

• I took mine to Family Court with the support of his school counselor. I had him put in a public school for special needs kids. He had ADHD and ODD and was very verbally abusive and threatining. It took him two years to earn his way back to mainstrem school and he knew the next stop was Juvie Camp. Lots of regimentation and Forestry service work. This woke him up to the fact that this Mamma don't play. He's 28 now and doesn't hold a grudge. He knew he would have ended up a drop-out , Juvenile Delinquent, or felon. I told him before I did this that it was my job to see him graduated with no criminal record. Job done and he's on his own 10 years now and all with no ADHD meds. Just counseling and consistent discipline from his Mother.

If it is children, or there are children in the house, call the State Child Protective Service Hotline. You can remain anonymous, and they MUST investigate.

A woman alone, just ask her[ alone] if she needs help . Give her a local Women's shelter number. Be careful. Some abusers are happy to share with friends and neighbors. If you hear an obvious beating or calls for help, cal l 911. The Police won't tell who called.

Bad pick up lines have many forms but all have the same result. They don't enable a guy who uses the line to continue a conversation with a girl with a positive mood so that they may eventually hook up.

This contrasts with good pick up lines which achieve the objective of making the girl feel comfortable with continuing to talk with you.

The main types of bad pick up lines are:

1. Rude pick up lines: These lines offend the girl by calling her names or putting her down. A guy may resort to using rude chat up lines when he feels inferior to her and may be rejected. He protects himself by using a rude pick up line so that he feels like he instigated the rejection, not her. These are the worst and least effective lines.

2. Dirty pick up lines: Surprisingly popular, dirty pick up lines are your next worst option. They usually contain sexual innuendos implying that the girl will do something sexual with you immediately. In all but the rarest of situations, girls find this to be too forward and don't feel comfortable continuing to converse with you.

3. Cheesy pick up lines: The third worst lines use cheesy humor. This mostly involves sickeningly sweet or romantic, or childish plays on words. These lines are bad simply because the girl will wonder why you didn't have anything better to say. And in all likelihood she will be amused at how bad your pick up line was. Whilst maintaining a good mood, this doesn't help you to appear attractive to the girl and often backfires. You are way to pretty to have ur face on facebook.

Here are some steps that abused people often experience:

1. Denial--he/she hits me but can't control their feelings, they don't mean to get so rough. If it is only emotional abuse, the abused sees the abuser as saying things in the heat of the moment, and possibly not viewing it as abuse because there are no physical blows involved. The abuser can be kind and loving at times--they are not abusive 24/7. Other people, friends and family think he/she is charming. Am I crazy, or is this really abuse?
2. Acceptance--go along with everything the abuser says. Stay out of the abuser's way when they are in a bad mood. Keep the children out of their way. Never discuss finances, problems with the kids. Give noncommittal answers in an attempt not to be baited into an argument. Don't offer opinions. Try to learn from "mistakes" which resulted in the abuser being physically/emotionally violent towards the person.
3. Hurt--why does the abuser do this to me? What haven't I done to appease his/her anger? Am I the only person he/she has done this to? Do I bring out something bad in them?
4. Guilt--the abused fell in love with this person, married them or had children with them. They often feel obligated to make things work, to help the abuser with their anger and control issues. They may feel they are a failure or are bailing out.
5. Fear--how can I leave? Where do I live, how can I afford a place to rent? How can I keep him/her from taking our children? How can I keep him from finding me and trying to hurt me? This is what I need to do to stop this, but there is fear of the future and the unknown.

Here are some other opinions from our community:

• There are no "stages" to go through when deciding to leave an abusive relationship, whether it is physical, verbal, mental...etc. When you love and respect yourself, you won't tolerate any demeaning treatment, even on the first encounter.
• I think people do go through various stages in emotionally preparing themselves to leave abusive relationships. I think the above poster did not read the question correctly. Usually the first stage is the abuse. The victim may go into denial for a long time such as having hope he will change. Then the next stage the victim becomes more aware. She may pick up a book on abuse and relate it to her situation. Then the victim may become angry and disgusted with the abuser. She may begin to distance herself so she can look at her situation more objectively. Then the final stage she has had enough and makes plans to leave. Pay no mind to the previous poster. Sometimes ignorance can appear as rudeness.
• A victim of abuse must have good plans in place. Slowly start packing just a few things (the abuser shouldn't be able to notice anything missing) and then go to a pay phone (don't phone from your home) and call the "Abused Women's Center." If you can't find the number call "Mental Health" or the operator and they will help you. When you feel the time is right (when the abuser is at work, the bar, etc.) then leave! Don't tell ANYONE where you are going! This is for your own safety. If you have children take them with you as the counselor at the Abused Women's Center will have someone look after them in another room while they question you. Once you leave your abuser expect not to go back! When you meet with your counselor at the Abused Women's Center (great gals and very understanding) they will ask you questions so they can understand your particular situation. You will then be sent to a "Transition House" or a "safe house" and it's important you let NO ONE know where you are. Your children will go with you. At the Transition House you will stay there and take some programs, get counseling, perhaps legal counsel, and, you will be expected to earn your way there by doing some chores. When you are ready they will help you get established in your own place and even help you find work. Don't be afraid! You are stronger than you think! It sounds like you've had enough and good for you! The sooner you get away from this jerk the better.

I know as a mother it's difficult for you to see your daughter put up with this behavior from her husband, but when did kids ever listen to their parents? Your daughter is 27 and she needs to find her own way (as hard as I know it is for you.) Unless she can get out of this vicious circle on her own she will never stand on her own two feet.

I hope that you have left your own abusive husband because if you haven't then your daughter will not respect your remarks about her own abusive marriage.

Just sit down casually with her (don't nag) and tell her you are always there for her and she always has home to come back too (if you live alone). Tell her you love her. Many of us love people, but seldom say it enough.

If she continues to come over to visit you with one story after the other about her abusive environment then you are going to have to practice tough love and say, "I love you with all my heart and it hurts me to see you in this abusive relationship, but unless you can step up to the plate and get away from this guy I don't want to hear you whining about it." I know that's a tough one for you, but if you are willing to look and listen to what is going on it will continue to go on. Don't make yourself so available to her and never make yourself an enabler.

Your daughter has a lot of anger built up in her (probably from her father's abusive manner) and has low self-esteem. Remind her that she is part of you too, and she has the strength you do and thousands of other women do. If you feel you need to help in some way then join a group that deals with abuse. They have all types of workshops lined up to help those that have to sit by and watch a loved one suffer from abuse.

If your daughter is physically abused and she should phone you crying and she has any bruises, split lip, blackened eyes, teeth missing or bones broken, you phone the police! The police will come, a woman officer will photograph her injuries and she will receive good medical care. Her husband can have charges laid against him from the police without your daughter having too and the police always do lay charges. The police also help out to place your daughter in a "safe house" and find her some counselling that she needs.

Good luckMarcy

In short, if someone gets hurt or killed or is unhappy with it, then you need to stop. It is not exactly abuse, but it is harassment. There is no need to read anything else.

If you asked him/her to stop and s/he goes on despite your protestations and pleas - it is abusive.

Most people don't consider ticking someone breathless abuse, but the other poster is right. While some people aren't even ticklish the majority are. Tickling someone relentlessly causes breathlessness and can lead to choking or even vomiting. When asked to stop the tickler should! Too often an adult pins a child down in play and tickles the child. When the child screams out that they want it stopped the adult continues. It is abuse plain and simple. A little tickling goes a long way.

Put it this way, the "Chinese Water Torture" (letting one drop of water fall on a tied down victim's forehead for hours) is not painful in the least, but the monotony of that one drop of water can drive a person insane.

Everybody reacts to tickling differently. Many folks have multiple tickle spots with some of the areas sensitive. While there are others who may not have any tickle spots, the bottom of the feet were supposedly everybody's tickle spot. A lot of the answer lies in the word "excessive". There is a great amount of energy and adrenalin put out to endure the over kill tickle. As the partner doing the tickling displays what looks to be that of a "very satisfied emotion", they are actually getting enjoyment watching you trying to endure this excess tickle, until stopped.

Forcing a child or adult to comply to something they do not like such as this tickling regiment is simply not right. The child will grow angry from frustration and it's just not acceptable. The tickler has a mean streak! Plain and simple! It's called "control!"

Remember, we teach our children and have been taught ourselves that if someone is touching us in an inappropriate manner (not just sexual either) we have the right to say NO and that "no" should be taken seriously.

Don't blame yourself. Most people will try tickling another and "tickling" never seems to be an abusive action, but when it's forced on someone that doesn't like it and it goes on and on, then it's simply abuse and a control factor. Still waters run deep.

Next time ... say NO and mean it!

Well, tickling is great when people are playing and they can say YES to a certain point but we must attuned to the fact that when we go to far when tickling someone, it can be serious. The fact is: tickling can for some be something like pleasure for example when we grab the feet of someone and we tickle the soles of the feet, in a soft way, it can relax and be something good and that person may like it. But when we are talking of someone very ticklish, we must be careful because, for that person, tickling isn't seen like a playing way but like a TORTURE and it is on that point that we must stop because it really can turn a person crazy and people really can lose their minds with that torment. When they are in ticklish agony, they can't breathe perfectly and the nervous system reacts to it causing sometimes a bad feeling. Tickling was used, too, in the time of the Romans, like a method of torture to get information and some people even died of so much tickling! We must respect the person that we are tickling especially if we are tickling on the most ticklish spot of the body: the FEET!

It is all a matter of how it is used. For instance, take the situation of a young child, and a parent. Even though it isn't/wasn't meant to be abuse, it is. Sure, you were just having fun with your kid but next time, instead of tickling, even after you are asked/told to stop by your child, maybe tickle them for a period of time, stop, and if the child enjoyed it, try it again. Who knows, they might even try to tickle you back. This whole concept is usually fun, and taken in a "happy" manor, and usually results with a positive reaction, just as long as you are tickling, and not hurting. And don't do things that aren't comfortable with the other person, and you should be able to tell when you've overstepped your boundaries by the tone, even if it is smothered with laughter. The bottom line is, with children, they aren't built the way we are yet, and when they say "stop", it should be obeyed. Teens, and adults on the other hand know what they are getting into, and should be prepared with what happens.

"Excessive" is the operative word. If it's taken to a level where it's painful, or continued after the person has been asked to stop (if you aren't 100% sure you can tell a playful "Hey, cut it out!" from the person truly wanting it stopped, then don't do it. Always err on the side of not abusing.) Also, the circumstances matter: a normally non- abusive amount of tickling when the person is carrying something (thus making him/her drop it and have to clean it up, break it, etc.) or has to go to the bathroom (thus making him/her have an accident though it would normally take an amount considered abusive) or other circumstances where it would be harmful or create problems for the person would be abuse.

And the person being tickled always has the last word on where the line between fun and harm is drawn. Permission is also the element that separates sex from rape, or accepting a gift from theft, or a visit from a home invasion. It applies here, and is the one thing that decides whether or not this a game or a violent act.

Sometimes tickling can be about fun and nothing more. Sometimes, however, it can be used to control and intimidate. If someone makes you suffer against your will, no matter what the method, it is abuse.

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Tickling can be a whole lot of fun when both the he and the her respect each others' boundaries, which is an absolute must. Tickling involves personal contact, and must be consensual. If it is not, then it is abuse!

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Claiming that tickling is abuse is ridiculous. How many people honestly are harmed while being tickled? It's not like complete strangers come up and abuse you in the street by tickling you. Claiming that you're harming your children by tickling them is absurd. It's part of this culture and you can't point your fingers at someone and claim they are abusive just because you have an issue with being tickled.

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Just like anything else it can be good or bad. Excessive tickling is far worse than a simple beating. The tickler is bigger and stronger than you and has you pinned beneath them. Its very painful and you have no control over simple reflexive actions of your body. Its like this person has hijacked your body and you are powerless.

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The phrase, "Its like this person has hijacked your body and you are powerless" is bang on. And yet because you are laughing, it seems as if the whole experience should be fun. You're frantic contortions to escape the tickling and yet your desperate laughter from the tickling make for a potent psychological combination of agonizingly pleasurable hysterics.

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No tickling is not good particularly the person who are ticklish. Maybe you can give him/her some test tickles but continuing it is doing harm to him/her. But tickling a child who is really helpless is an abuse... straight and simple.

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The main problem is that it is too easy for the tickler to go overboard. We've all been tickled beyond our comfort zone, so we know that agonizing helplessness, laughter verging on hysteria, the frantic desperation for it to stop yet caught up by the intense sensation. The intense sensation makes it very hard for the person to indicate that they have had enough. It is very easy to cause breathless laughter and eye rolling panic in a very ticklish person, so that their body is totally under the tickler's control. If the tickler is not sensitive to how helpless the truly ticklish are, he or she may drive the insanely ticklish to the brink of insanity, without realizing it.

The main problem is not the tickling, but the tickler's lack of awareness of what the truly ticklish are experiencing during the tickling. Even if the tickling started off as playful, it is very easy to cross the prolonged tickling line for the totally ticklish. Making the experience very psychologically upsetting for the person. Yet the person's laughter seems to indicate to the tickler that the person is enjoying the experience immensely and the person's laughter seems to indicate to the person, themselves, that they should also be enjoying the experience. The person is caught between the pleasure and pain centers of the brain which are "close" together. Thus, making the tickling both a present and punishment at the same time.