Abusive Relationships and Domestic Violence

One of the biggest issues of verbal/emotional abuse is that since there is no visible sign, other people find it easier to believe that the victim is at fault. This adds to the feelings of inadequacy for the victim since he/she needs to convince others of the problem in order to get help. This is next to impossible since not seeing/hearing or speaking of this sort of abuse is a societal norm. It doesn't have obvious effects as does a punch to the face, but calling someone derogatory names is a way to demean them, to show them what you feel their "value" is. Being told you're of low worth by someone who claims to love you is a terrible blow to the self esteem. Wh*re and slut are names used usually to degrade a woman, to view her as a cheap receptacle. It doesn't even have to be these names--c*nt, nonentity, worthless, failure are all names that are purposely used to devalue someone. So is calling someone these names justifiable, everyday behavior? Are these names something you would use on a total stranger in a public place, or someone who is more imposing physically than you? You wouldn't and you wouldn't like it if someone yelled that stuff at you either. Verbal abuse is sometimes hard to pinpoint. It can come on subtly but can have a profound effect never-the-less. You can gradually lose your self esteem which is in itself crippling. Losing all your defenses to a person can result in dire depression, guilt and anxiety. This is a torturous state of affairs. Do not take it lightly! Answer I have always had a problem with the statement "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." I believe that words create a deeper hurt than sticks and stones. Many people recover from the pain and trauma of physical injuries but psychological injuries can last for generations. The innocent minds of children are more vulnerable than that of adults to the emotionally debilitating effects of harsh words.

Yes

the action i would take regarding the suspicious allegations would be staying calm and ask questions to the alleged abuser without making the individual upset further more i wouldv invstigate the complain where the abuse happen and how it happen i would write a clearer report and take action .

You really need to tell that person to break free. No one deserves to go through abuse. It's very sickining. If they don't listen to you, you need to tell someone that will do something about it; law enforcment. It all depends what age.

No. There is never any excuse for abusive behavior. That's like asking if it's ok to rob a bank if you're under a lot of stress, since you're probably a good guy the rest of the time. In fact, most abusers believe that what they did was because of stress and not really their fault. It's about their own anger and rage and lashing out at someone that they claim to love. Is it rational to try to hurt someone you love? Would you think it is ok to KILL someone you love if your excuse is that you were under stress? The whole idea is nonsense. NO! Good thing to remember: They hit me once- it's their fault. They hit me twice- it's my fault. FOR STAYING. It is not justifiable to be abusive just because of stress! Abuse is NEVER OK!

Simply because he does not love you, because if he did, if he was your true love, he wpuld not be hatful towards you. But advise : Get rid of him.

Totally ignore the ex. It's that simple. Eventually he will become bored with no response from you and learn to find someone else to pick on. As stated below, don't talk about your ex at all....GOOD OR BAD. Don't even mention his name to anyone/ever. TOTALLY IGNORE HIS EXISTANCE. It's the only way to ensure that he will leave you alone. Also, it the ex continues to be mean to your son, there is nothing you can do about it. It is what it is. Love you son and be his soft place to fall. ANSWER: don't let what your ex is saying about you. your son is grown now he has to make the decision on what to do with his dad. don't tell him to stay away from him. if you keep on loving your son and he will know who is right or not. your ex got a hate toward you and wants others on his side. don't talk bad about your ex.

Words that fit are bully and abusive.

Possibly narcissism

*Some* men and women are vindictive. Some are not. Some people want revenge for a minute slight or disagreement; some may perceive a slight where none has occurred. If a person consistently shows this behavior, the best thing to do is to stay out of their lives as much as possible.

first please realize that all men are not abusive.

and second please realize that some women are abusive, although this is not as common.

most abusers abuse because they had problems when they were younger. maybe they were teased, or beaten, or had a near death experience. some of them where just pushed to the edge and found a release. now others, however, just do it for the joy, and the pain it brings to them and the other person. its hard for anyone to truly understand what is going on in their heads.

it is very bad

That gross and awesome at the same time

If people were more friendly towards others, the world would be a healthier place. People would be in a calmer state, and could handle stress better. There would be more smiling and less frowning, so our faces might not wrinkle so easily. Blood pressures might also be lower from not having to yell at people.

Unfortunately, this person is not ACTING as a best friend. Possibly it is not intentional, but the deal is that you should reasonably expect that a best friend would act in your best interests, and be a safe person to be with. And your expectations are not happening. You need to reduce this person's status to an acquaintance level, setting new boundaries.

Why would you call someone like that - a friend?

Refuse to accept abusive behavior. Demand reasonably predictable and rational actions and reactions. Insist on respect for your boundaries, predilections, preferences, and priorities.

Demand a just and proportional treatment. Reject or ignore unjust and capricious behavior.

If you are up to the inevitable confrontation, react in kind. Let him taste some of his own medicine.

Never show your abuser that you are afraid of him. Do not negotiate with bullies. They are insatiable. Do not succumb to blackmail.

If things get rough- disengage, involve law enforcement officers, friends and colleagues, or threaten him (legally).

Do not keep your abuse a secret. Secrecy is the abuser's weapon.

Never give him a second chance. React with your full arsenal to the first transgression.

Be guarded. Don't be too forthcoming in a first or casual meeting. Gather intelligence.

Be yourself. Don't misrepresent your wishes, boundaries, preferences, priorities, and red lines.

Do not behave inconsistently. Do not go back on your word. Be firm and resolute.

Stay away from such quagmires. Scrutinize every offer and suggestion, no matter how innocuous.

Prepare backup plans. Keep others informed of your whereabouts and appraised of your situation.

Be vigilant and doubting. Do not be gullible and suggestible. Better safe than sorry.

Often the abuser's proxies are unaware of their role. Expose him. Inform them. Demonstrate to them how they are being abused, misused, and plain used by the abuser.

Trap your abuser. Treat him as he treats you. Involve others. Bring it into the open. Nothing like sunshine to disinfest abuse.

(1b) Mirror His Behavior

Mirror the narcissist�s actions and repeat his words.

If, for instance, he is having a rage attack � rage back. If he threatens � threaten back and credibly try to use the same language and content. If he leaves the house � leave it as well, disappear on him. If he is suspicious � act suspicious. Be critical, denigrating, humiliating, go down to his level.

(1c) Frighten Him

Identify the vulnerabilities and susceptibilities of the narcissist and strike repeated, escalating blows at them.

If a narcissist has a secret or something he wishes to conceal � use your knowledge of it to threaten him. Drop cryptic hints that there are mysterious witnesses to the events and recently revealed evidence. Do it cleverly, noncommittally, gradually, in an escalating manner.

Let his imagination do the rest. You don't have to do much except utter a vague reference, make an ominous allusion, delineate a possible turn of events.

Needless to add that all these activities have to be pursued legally, preferably through the good services of law offices and in broad daylight. If done in the wrong way � they might constitute extortion or blackmail, harassment and a host of other criminal offences.

(1d) Lure Him

Offer him continued Narcissistic Supply. You can make a narcissist do anything by offering, withholding, or threatening to withhold Narcissistic Supply (adulation, admiration, attention, sex, awe, subservience, etc.).

(1e) Play on His Fear of Abandonment

If nothing else works, explicitly threaten to abandon him.

You can condition the threat ("If you don't do something or if you do it � I will desert you").

The narcissists perceives the following as threats of abandonment, even if they are not meant as such:

Confrontation, fundamental disagreement, and protracted criticism When completely ignored When you insist on respect for your boundaries, needs, emotions, choices, preferences When you retaliate (for instance, shout back at him).

It will always be a challenge following Sam Vaknin in answering these questions as he is so thorough and knowledgeable, but I have a little suggestion that might be helpful. Buy the paperback, or check the following book out from the libary: I Hate You, Don't Leave Me : Understanding the Borderline Personality, by Kreisman and Straus. They suggest an approach that goes by the acronymn SET. I can't find my copy right now (I think the hypomanic bipolar person I was trying to help took it), but basically its a 3 step process that guides you in what you do and say. It involves setting boundaries, responding to the abuser with language that doesn't diminish their abusive behavior but defuses it (somewhat), and something else I can't remember. If you really need it, you'll learn it, remember it and practice it. Who knows, it might help. -Jim

Stop calling that person a friend. Because friends don't abuse friends. Then stop seeing that person.

You need to simply pull your pants up and walk on and put this person on your shoulder and let them roll off of your back and NEVER look back.....RUN......this person is NOT your friend. You don''t need them.

If your best friend is emotionally and physically abusing you. You don't need to worry about enemies. When they say " hold your friends close and your enemies even closer" I don't reckon that's what they meant. Would you let your worst enemy come up and knock you square in the mouth?

Then why do you afford your best friend that luxury?

Almost 2 weeks ago I had to finally walk away from an emotionally abusive female friend that I have known for 22 years. There is almost a 22 years difference in age and now that she is older she should have learned something and been more mature. I found her to be ego-maniacal, selfish, always talking about herself and never listening to anything I or anyone else had to say. Other friends she had simply just disappeared out of her life, but because I had helped her through a very rough patch that stemmed some 10 years there was a bond that kept us together. Not any more!

A very wise psychologist once told me that when someone makes you unhappy most of the time it's time to cut them loose and that means family and mates. These types of people rob you of your energy so much so there is nothing left for yourself or anyone else. We all go through rough patches in relationships, but when you are doing all the giving and listening and your friend gives nothing of their time to you and you can't count on them it's time to move on. I have and I must admit it has left a hole in my life, but I'll get over it. I have given this person too many chances and they simply aren't listening. Now I realize that they will never change and they just don't fit into my life...

Sometimes it is hard to let go a friend you knew for ages! but the only thing you can do is when your friend attempts to physically abuse you, stand up for yourself and get help.

It is clear that the person needs help, that will show how a good friend you are by showing that you really care on what is going wrong. You can get help from a family member or else the counciler. Talking things out with your friend may be the only solution and it is also a healthy way to release the anger.

If the friend keeps on repeating the behaviour, my advice would be that you have no chance but to stop talking to him/her. The importance is that you have done your best to be a great friend.

A direct victim is the actual victim of a situation. If a man is beating his wife, she is the direct victim.

<ans1> He's calling you a $lut, kick his ass!

<ans2> He is insecure that he has to meet some of your emotional needs . He either does not want to meet them or is not capable of meeting given where he himself is emotionally. So in his confusion he prefers to see you as needy or damaged goods, as it takes the responsibility off him. Maybe he has valid reasons to not be in the relationship, but he cannot peg it on you alone. kick his ass!

you leave him. its going to be hard, but you have to get out. either way your not going to be happy;; obviously. if your not happy with him, you wont be happy without him.. temporarily. time heals the pain. it will hurt when you first leave but EVENTUALLY you will get over it.

It sounds like your emotions are taking priority, instead of rationality. Try to look at this from the perspective of somebody else. You make an accusation, and they become enraged. If you have already decided that they are guilty of the crime that you accused, then are likely to be further convinced when they reply with rage. There really is no correct reaction. If you made no reaction, they could have easily accused you of having no conscience. The way that you reacted is not necessarily wrong, and I am of the firm belief that most people would react in this way to a false accusation.

Try to cool off, and look at it from their angle. Then think about what you are going to do about this situation. Violence is not the answer here. Think rationally, and consider the consequences of your actions.

Friday 20 Nov 2009

For looks

• Yes, it is normal with some children who grow up with a verbally abusive father to think that honesty is not always if ever the best police when dealing with authority figures other than his own father because a verbally abusive father has life twisted around in his own mind. A child that is either verbally or physically abused by their father will most likely try to please that father more so than the father. However, there are other children who grow up with verbally abusive fathers who make an extreme effort to be the opposite of their father and when those grown children have children of their own they make sure their children will not have to go through the same thing they went through.