Abusive Relationships and Domestic Violence

The time it takes to heal and move on from an abusive relations depends on the person and other factors. Here are some personal experiences and advice:

• I was in an abusive relationship/marriage for over 10 years. I think it depends on the person, the type(s) of abuse, and the length of the relationship.It takes time to unlearn our learned responses, to realize that not all men are abusive, and it takes time to get our sense of self-worth and self-esteem back. Although I'm in a healthy relationship now, I'm still dealing with the repercussions of the abusive one.It helps to have people to talk to. A therapist, a best friend, or just people who understand how you feel. I don't think there is a set length of time. But at some point we have to try to move on and live life again, the best we can.

• Go easy on yourself. The healing process can and does last years. An abusive relationship is traumatizing.

• I was in an abusive relationship. I loved the woman but her rages were frequent, and both cruel and ugly. I determined she had BPD (not bipolar, borderline personality disorder). I considered her rages to be a mental disorder and despite separating from her I would go back to spending time with her, and be hurt more. Almost 3 years passed and I was still grieving the loss and licking my wounds. I'd already read a spate of books like Peter McWilliams "How to Survive the Loss of a Love" and other books on how to deal with an abusive companion--how to set boundaries, etc. So I found a therapist and worked mightily for 3 months and I finally recovered. I really guided my own therapy. The key to success for me was unexpected: self esteem work. The path I took is very similar to that what Phil McGraw directs readers to take in his popular book "Self Matters." The pain one suffers may be proportional to the love one had. If you're still having severe bouts of emotional anguish after three years, still hurting deeply from a sense of betrayal, and still in pain from certain cruel actions, then maybe there are some issues within yourself that merit attention. A strange thing happened to me from all the research I did. As I came to understand her better, as well as myself, and as I resolved some self esteem issues, I found that I loved her even more, while at the same time I was no longer hurt by her. And could protect myself. Now my three sons as well as my friends are puzzled that I can love both my ex-wife and psycho-bit**, the drama queen supreme, as much as I do. I was able to care for drama queen in the last six months of her life when no one else would. Learn to develop a greater internal locus of control. You can stop shedding so many tears over a past abusive relationship, but you must take responsibility for affecting the change yourself. You might start with Phil McGraw's book. But commit to working it 110%. Good luck! (I'm giving you a virtual hug here.) --Jim

• After being in a very abusive relationship for 6 years, I have decided it will take me 6 years to completely heal without entering into a new relationship with a lot of emotional baggage. Sure, if the right guy came along then I wouldn't run away, but I figure I have given up 6 years of my life to my ex-husband so now it is time to focus exclusively on me and my children, SO, in the past 3 years, I have graduated from college, played with the kids and made new friends, all without fear and unhappiness. I think that is where many woman make mistakes(I used to be one)that women are so afraid to be alone that they enter into an abusive relationship before they are even ready to date. It's up to us, the survivors, to educate and end the cycle of abuse for ourselves, our children and victims everywhere! I HAVE FINALLY FOUND ME!

• I suppose it depends on the person, but experts say it can take at least 7 years. I would have to agree. After my first abusive relationship, i couldn't bear to be alone, so quickly got into another one, then another one and so on. We have to give ourselves a long time to heal. We cant always see the wood for the trees when we have been abused. Good luck!

• I'm 21 years old and i have been out of the relationship for about a year now. i thought that when i finally got out that it meant that i was strong enough and that i was going to be okay. i was wrong. i am still dealing with the affects of what happened and i cant maintain a relationship today. Every time Ii meet a new guy i scare him away due to me needing to be validated and yearning for his attention constantly. i didn't realize that until recently that i have issues with in myself that i need to take care of. I didn't realize how far my ex had broken me down. I'm going to be put on some anti-depressants and anxiety medication. when i went to my therapist he asked me that if my ex said that he was "all better" and "got help" would i take him back? I looked at him with tear filled eyes and said yes. It was at that moment i realized that i needed more help then i thought.i am scared at what im going to have to face but in the end what am i going to lose? i can only get stronger from this. Hopefully i will learn and be able to have a real relationship one day.

• Moving on is a process that we must work at everyday for the rest of our lives. Change comes with time and awareness. I've personally been in weekly therapy for the past 2 years. Coming our of shock and denial is enough to through anyone off there feet for a period of overwhelming face to face with a real night mare.It takes courage and support and a lot of work to understand what we need to be aware of before we can change our survival habits.I am recovering from a 24 year narcissism partner abuse.I raised 2 children who are now healthy adults. I saved my kids and I saved myself. Had not left I would not be answering this question today.We can't predict the future nor have a date for moving on. We can only live life one day at a time and learn to trust ourselves and set our boundaries.If we can only try to live our lives to the best of our satisfaction and risk the chance of being loved for who we are. Time, awareness and patience with ourselves while we make little steps to rediscovering who we are. Finding a good therapist who is willing to accompany us through the stages of healing over and over as we finally reach a point of integration and continue to help us for as long as we need it.Remember if we take medication it only does 20% of the work. The other 80% is what we work at everyday with the help of our therapist. We can't change the past but we can change ourselves to the best of who we are no more no less. I hope this answer will be helpful to anyone still suffering the aftermath of abuse and I wish everyone the courage to FEEL.Connecting with nature is a great way of connecting with ourselves and something greater than who we are. God Bless Jocelyne

• It is has been nearly three years for me. No justice Just further lies & abuse. I decided yesterday that i will seek professional counseling to help me overcome my deep feelings of justifiable rage and anger. I have too much to lose in my life and future and realize if I don't get help to get myself back not so much to forgive these people but to recover myself I may lose all of my dreams.

• 14 years have passed and I am up tonight because I am haunted by that man. It is only from the will of God that I am alive today and my children are OK. I have three big dogs, moved to a new state and I am going to put up video cameras as soon as I get the money. As for me healing I know I can�t do it myself and do not have the money to seek help. So the hell I will relive for the rest of my days.

Signs of abuse:

Scrach marks, welts, bruising, torn clothing, the victim has gone into a shell and isn't their "old self."

Remember, some of the signs I just gave you could be from playing sports as well and there is always the possibility it is not his girlfriend abusing him, but other guys. Young men can get into fights and sometimes get into situations they shouldn't be in.

Have that talk with him as soon as possible.

i think that is he is a but unhappy at home and things have a talk to him but also have a talk with his girlfriend the answer at first might be ' i have heart him at all'' but have a talk with your son HEART TO HEART it must be very personal though, you shouldn't do thing to quickly, ask him if he is ok and ask him about his personal life a phew minutes later :)

ANSWER:

Male abuse is rare, but only because their ego keeps them quiet. Ask! But you must have long before typing here. If you do not have a good relationship with your son that might be part of the answer. Sit down and explain that you had an abusive situation (make it up if you have to), and that it was much better once you talked about it. If something is happening they might open up, if not, go about your business. Do not break up the couple (without physical proof) unless you want hatred from both. You need to specify what you suspect to get a better answer, sorry?!

If he comes up with bruises, and when you tell him he's late for his date, he winces and goes, "No thank you." And runs out of the house screaming for dear mercy. OR. he comes home smelling like perfume and is covered in lipstick and is breathing hard, then he is being abused.

______________

s are worthless without knowing the problem. Physical or mental? Signs shown? Odd comments? Odd actions, reactions? Explain, then we can help. One way is that this act will affect his behavior both at home and in public.

if your son starts to touch himself in a fashion that is inappropriate as the mother is jealous, that is a huge warning that her gf is abusing him

That all depends on how much he drinks, how often he drinks, and how healthy and developed his body was before he became an alcoholic. It is obvious that alcoholics have a lower life expectancy than the average person, but there are lots of different factors that alter the outcome, for instance:

* Is he an angry drunk? If so, then his chances of an early death are greatly increased. * Did he begin drinking as a child, before his body was fully developed? If so, then his liver may be damaged more easily. As you can see, the list could go on and on...but I cannot tell you just how long an individual alcoholic will live. Most importantly, you need to focus on their quality of life. Most alcoholics began drinking because they couldn't stand how bad life was and so try and drink it away. If you can speak to one while they are sober, you may be able to give them some ambition by changing their quality of life. It is then that they may decide to try and quit alcohol. However, you can never force an alcoholic to quit, as they will resent you for it. Instead, they must decide that it is something that they must do for them.
Advanced alcoholism is no fun, and the ones who die often have the best of it. Alcoholics so often die of other things associated with their drinking -- accidents, malnutrition, car wrecks, mayhem, cancer -- that it is hard to say. The most recent estimate I read is that, on average, alcoholism shortens life about 20 years for men and 25 for women.
== == An alcoholic will often die younger than they would if they were not using alcohol. There are two sides to this: physiological and psychological. The destructive effect that alcohol has on the human body when used to excess may shorten expected lifespan. This list is long, from brain damage to liver failure. The psychological side is the likelihood that goofy behavior caused by the use of alcohol may kill them. The list here is endless. Driving while drunk, getting in violent confrontations, taking idiotic risks, using power tools while blitzed. One way or another, the odds are good that this person will die much earlier than if they were not drinking.

There is no simple answer to this question. Long term use of alcohol and/or marijuana will almost certainly decrease your life expectancy compared to someone who uses neither or uses them considerably less. Your personal and family medical history, other medications and drugs you might be taking, and a number of other factors contribute to your life expectancy along with alcohol and marijuana use.

Compared to many illegal drugs marijuana is relatively safe, however it is not good for your lungs and may have some long term effects on memory, concentration and other mental/neurologic functions. Long term use may also interfere with mood, sleep and food intake.

Alcohol on the other hand is extremely toxic. Consumed in moderate amounts --usually 1 drink a day for women and 2 for men is the recommended maximum, based on relative body weight versus dosage -- alcohol is safely and easily metabolized. Long term overuse causes liver and possibly brain damage. Alcohol may suppress the anti-diuretic hormone (ADH), which tells your kidneys to hold on to more water when the blood becomes too saline, or salty. When ADH is suppressed, you will continue to urinate well past the point your body would normally conserve fluid, which is why alcohol consumption causes dehydration. Excess fluid loss means you also loose electrolytes like potassium, sodium, chloride, magnesium and calcium and water soluble vitamins like ascorbic acid (vitamin C) and the B vitamins, which include folate, niacin and thiamin. Chronic, excessive alcohol use leads to long term deficiencies in these nutrients. Vomiting caused by excessive alcohol consumption will also cause you to lose elctrolytes and vitamins.

Acute alcohol toxicity can result in seizures, severe vomiting and death. Sudden alcohol withdrawal in an addict can also result in seizures. If you fear that you or someone you know consumes too much alcohol you should see a health care professional. A diet rich in vitamins and minerals, or a supplement, is highly recommended.

=== === Aetna Casuality, an insurance company for whom such statistics are critical, states that chronic alcoholism reduces general life expectancy by 15 years. This number seems unrealistic, and Life Expenctancy Calculators (I tried a few) seem to reduce my own life expectancy by 2 to 7 years if I change the number from zero drinking to 3-5 drinks, 3 or more times a weeks. There was no setting for "intoxicated all the time". The Center for Disease Control (CDC), in a confusing and oddly constructed article, states that the average Alcohol Attributable Death (ADD) results in 30 years of life lost. These years, however, do not necessarily apply to just one person, as AAD's like car accidents may take more than one life at a time, and the decedents may not even drink at all. Also, the age, physical condition and family history of the subject all factor in. Maybe a couple of 40 to 50 age lifespan of an alcoholic drinker. Or maybe much more earlier than on their age but it will be bases of how long that they been addicted to alcohol. If they been started at their very young age. For sure they will get easily end their lives at the age of 40 or 50.

Abuse cuts across cultures, societies, races, ethnicities, and social-economic demographics.

But there is a profile of a "typical" abuse victim, based on worldwide statistics:

Most abuse victims are women, young, uneducated, poor, and non-white.

Working at the Abuse Center has taught me a great deal and anyone who is pious enough to believe it can never happen to them is a fool! Most of us are lucky enough to have good men and we don't have to deal with this, but believe me, when you have seen some of these abusive men in action (the law seldom protects women, and nurses and doctors are there to heal and not get too involved) and the woman is so frightened she often doesn't press charges.

People who aren't abused should think of these things:

There is little help out there legally for a woman that is being abused. The terror some of these women go through is something we couldn't even imagine. I've seen women in the hospital with their throats slit (superficial thank God), blackened eyes, broken noses, ribs, or any bone in the body you would like to choose is smashed! I've seen up to 12 stab wounds, and as many as 16 slashes to the face. I've seen a woman that had acid thrown in her face! Oh yes, she got away from her abuser, but because of our laws in Canada and the U.S., he threw acid in her face when she was walking to her car. The excuse by law enforcement for this .... "Until the abuser takes action there is nothing we can do." An abuser can phone, come to your home and threaten and even ruin your property. He can slash your tires, burn our car and more. As long as he doesn't touch a hair on your head, the laws are ... you simply can't do much ... wait until he nearly kills you! So, why shouldn't these women be terrified?

This is not a situation easily resolved by a few clipped words on a board and until a person who hasn't been abused walks a mile in the victim's shoes it just isn't all that cut and dried!

Marcy

Nothing. It is not your place to intervene. Be a good friend and let her cry on your shoulder. Advise her and stay out of it. Let her take action.

Answer

I agree with the second answer it is not right to let your friend get abuse you need to find the quickest way to get help so don't let your friend to pressure its not right to get in any of your friend's business but if he/she is getting abused the take a risk and cut in so if any of your friend are a situation like this remember these words

That's kind of like a typical "bullying scenario". He who has been bullied, shall bully.

Most of the time.

If someone is being abused, usually 1 of 3 things happens:

1) After this has gone on for a while, they decide they can't take it anymore, and they commit suicide

2) When the person gets older, they learn to forgive (this usually only occurs in high-spirited people)

3)When they get older, they take out their anger and frustration on others, because they feel like it "justifies" the wrong-doing they wen through

Look at it this way:

If there are 5 people in a room who are all being abused, 1 of those people will later commit suicide, 3 of those people will become abusers themselves, and and the last person will be the "forgiver" (not forget. how can you forget about someone who's mistreated you for years?)

I hope this answers your question.

Another tactic is to call her and leave her a short message saying that "we need to talk." That's pretty much a universal prelude to a break-up. When she calls back, she'll be anxious and want to know what's wrong. At that point you tell her -- directly but respectfully. Break-ups over the phone were once considered bad form, but no longer.

DONT EVEB TELL HER!!, JUST CHANGE YOUR STATUS TO SINGLE AND DELETE HER NUMBER!!(;