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Abusive Relationships and Domestic Violence
An abusive relationship is a relationship in which a person is victim to the use or threat of being physically or psychologically abused. Here you can ask questions about abusive relationships such as how to spot it, and how to get yourself or others help.
3,885 Questions
Is intentionally pushing someone's buttons considered abuse if it causes anger in the person?
No, it's just REALLY annoying and pitiful. Leave the situation, because if they cared, they would avoid your buttons, and make you smile 24/7.
Talking bad about her in front of people, telling them bad things about her, taking her and what she does for granted.
What is a person who always has to have last word?
A person that always has to have the last word is a Know - It - All and can be very annoying. Someone that has to have the last say may also be very opinionated and may seek more attention.
What to do when you have an abusive father who also abuses your mother?
There is kids help phone I guess, or you could tell your teachers at school or something. Or talk to someone else in your family, like a grandma or uncle, or maybe talk to your mom about it. If you don't know what to do just get help from someone.
What is the opposite of derived?
To derive something is to obtain information from a specific source, based on a logical proof. The opposite of this is to use intuition, or feelings. So the opposite of derived would be intuited.
The problem isn't that he cares what you watch, but he's controlling you when you want to watch something. It isn't uncommon for men to watch violent or sexy shows, but often, many women like a good wholesome show every so often. He's controlling you to the inth degree and that goes for the TV too. I suggest you get a second TV for the bedroom and watch your shows there. I also suggest you put this person in their place and remember, you are in control of your future!
Good luckMarcy
Abusers see anything their victims are interested in that is not related to them as a threat. The threat being a loss of influence and power over their victim. My ex would do the same. He would put down shows I watched. I think on some level he saw these other intrests as a reflection of me keeping my own person intact, the last thing he wanted.When I redecorated he said aw it doesnt look that bad, after I was so proud. When I went to university he called it college. When I was happy he asked if I was faking it. When people liked me he would make comments meant to destabalize. He was a master at trying to put me down.In the end, he didnt win. I dumped his sorry ass.He now lives alone and is miserable. I guess as they get older they lose looks and charm and find it harder to get victims to control.
yes and no. you should tell her to stop, but kindly . but whatever reason could possibly make her push you? That's the reason she could be the abuser
Can a person be both an 'abuser' and an 'abusee'?
Note: Further stories and testimonials should be placed in the discussion section below.
Of course they can. Consider narcissists, for instance:
Narcissists attract abuse. Haughty, exploitative, demanding, insensitive, and quarrelsome � they tend to draw opprobrium and provoke anger and even hatred. Sorely lacking in interpersonal skills, devoid of empathy, and steeped in irksome grandiose fantasies � they invariably fail to mitigate the irritation and revolt that they induce in others.
Successful narcissists are frequently targeted by stalkers and erotomaniacs � usually mentally ill people who develop a fixation of a sexual and emotional nature on the narcissist. When inevitably rebuffed, they become vindictive and even violent.
From my perspective, HELL NO!!!
I've have been, and still live with an abusive spouse. At this point in our lives (14 years), she doesn't lose it over the trivial stuff so much anymore - but boy WHEN IT HAPPENS!!!
This is a behavioral problem on part of the abuser, which I've learned doesn't dissipate, but only changes form. The transition period between those stages is a nightmare. I never thought in a million years that I would have to worry about my 'Queen of Fullness' balling up her fist and busting my face up, or slamming a heavy bar mug against my head (and I see this scar which I NEVER mention EVERY DAY - mind you).
I've been through nearly EVERYTHING you see on http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/men/ over this time period in my life with her. It has caused me:
- General health problems
- Years of sleepless nights and poor eating habits
- EXCESSIVE marijuana and cigarette smoking
- And yes, shamefully, sexual relations outside of the marriage
- I'm the one who had to attend the Domestic Violence courses.
- HELL-OF-A-LOT-MORE HEARTACHES!!!
And hey... lemme tell ya... when you THINK someone is toying with your mind... THEY ARE!!! As crazy as it sounds I KNOW she uses people on my job to assist. I can't prove it, I can't give a ton of examples of when I perceived it to be true, but I KNOW she does. She has\had completely destroyed my self-esteem to the point where I'm almost dead inside. I let her.
People would think, looking at us, that we do great. A 'modest' 500K in our home and vehicles and additional real estate. And if I had to live under a ROCK to get her to treat me respectfully FULL TIME...
Ohhhhh, the cheating phase? Yes, approaching our 3rd year together, I freaked out mentally. I was soooo sure that when I left her (in pursuit of a woman who I've seen get her nose broken by her live-in boyfriend - I realize this would never have lasted) that I would never come back. But I did. And because I felt so 'worthy' and 'noble' when I was with the other woman, when that fizzled, I went looking again. And, the change in the wife's behavior was temporary. It wasn't until I realized that for many reasons, I had to make a decision as to whether to stay or leave.
I thought she would change. I was SOOOO IN LOVE before, and I wanted it back.
And she did - a little. Again, abuse doesn't dissipate, it just changes forms. Until now I thought 'well this attitude and action isn't as bad'. The clubbing me REDUCED, but clubbing in the other sense INCREASED dramatically (more later).
I stopped the cheating. I even confessed to what I had done with no requested detail coveted. I thought I could 'regain my honor'. I just could not live with myself. Funny thing, right when I made the decision to stop, she started... and with women. This was revealed the other day during a 'deep convo'. 10 years have passed since she mentions the first time, and last week Sunday the most recent. All this unraveled when I caught her with her finger between her friends wet ones at the end of a pool party at the house last summer.
Now, you might say 'Well that's what you deserve'. My response is TRY LIVING THROUGH WHAT I'VE LIVED THROUGH BEFORE YOU JUDGE!!! Really, I felt she would cheat in return, but I also felt like it was unfair for her to do it. People (or more directly 'she') would say "That's what YOU did, its what YOU wanted, none of that is my responsibility." When I look back (which she refers to as 'living in the past' although the past is just a watered down 'version of the present day') - I can't help but ask myself why I am still here? And she takes ABSOLUTELY NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR "What I did", or why I have these feelings or NOTHING - this is NOT meant to be a paraphrase. I cant really say its because we were arguing at the time, her behavior shows it to be her thoughts on the matter.
Arguments and disagreements... Sure, bring them on. But with her it can be scary. I consciously move around so I can be in 'jump back space' whenever it gets bad. I shake, I feel like I'm going to keel over and die at those times... not because of the topic at hand, but because I KNOW if I say something that pushes her over my glasses might get knocked off my face. And she likes to get IN my face on top of that.
I've let her use my deepest fear of losing my family (or what I could salvage) against me, personal guilt and all. Nowadays 'I'm crazy'... she once had me take a piss test for crack.
Then, I get "Hey you just watch, we're going to be rich".
Then I get "You're right. I DON'T respect you. You know why...?"
That will eventually be followed by why I suck at this or that and didn't finish college or nurture a successful business idea.
The whole while defending myself with "Plenty of people don't have degrees" and then "I thought this argument was about.... NOT my college degree" "I beat Bush in the tech arena" crying bull.
That's followed by the whole "How my failure to complete college relates to my inability to keep a job or 'handle responsibility'; always dwelling in the past"
Followed by how she is so 'positive' and spiritual and how I only think of the negative
Finally, if it's not a "SCREW YOU TOO" attitude floating around, I MIGHT get "Well... I DO want to go out tonight though baby" - This is the last straw for me... its been 10 years of Friday Saturday and possibly Sunday nights out until 6-7AM.
This is the closest (writing this post I mean) I've come to professional help since our failed marriage counseling sessions of which - they are right - not only was a waste, but MADE THINGS WORSE ('We've been there' type attitude).
The abusee lives in the past, because the abuser will always be abusive. The roles DON'T change. The abusee, if NOW capable for whatever reason, gathers the inner-strength to free themselves, that's what will happen. They have to be strong enough to STAY GONE. Otherwise, you WILL become dependent on the abuser, because they instill the thought that you cant make it without them. You will feel USED UP. TRAPPED. As a man, I guarantee you will hurt her badly if she doesn't get you first.
For like the Nth time, they WON'T, they CAN'T make that change. It's THEM and part of WHO THEY ARE. MAYBE when they meet the next potential mate, it will be better controlled. But if you've been in it as long as I have, I feel its unrecoverable. I hate my marriage and resent what its done to me (and her, believe it or not) over the years. I'll be 35 soon and I'm just getting TOO OLD FOR THIS CRAP.
LEAVE!
I try to sit back and go over all the things considering abuse. Our modern world has it's good points and bad, and people are very stressed out these days ... no job security, great pay fluctuations, trying to buy a house, trying to keep your house and raising kids. It's tough! When the pressure hits some people over and over again and they never seem to get a break tempers can fly. It's tough being "all things" to your mate and none of us are perfect. Words can be said we don't mean or even a slight push during an argument. At some point in EVERY person's life and for what they consider survival instincts they will use a person to a degree by picking that person's weak points and aiming right for it. We have all been there at least once whether we want to admit it to ourselves or not. Most of us move on from this, but many do not and thus, the abuser is born.
If you live with an abuser, but they are not physically abusive (therefore there isn't much to fear, but having your feelings hurt from miserable comments directed at you or embarrassing moments around family and friends) then that survival instinct will kick in sooner or later and the abused person will fight back. This is a no win situation and by fighting back you have to stoop to the level of your abuser and thus, you become not only the victim of mental abuse, but also an abuser yourself. Abusers have a lot of self control issues going on in their heads and percieve the world differently than many of us do and so it's his/her way and no other way. You can't change an abuser yourself and unless they are willing to seek out professional help they will never change.
It's best to leave an abuser before you become one yourself.
Marcy
Well being in an abusive relationship myself and not coming from any previous consistently abusive environments--it was hard for me to recognize the relationship as abusive. It started out very subtely and eventually become very blatant and physical to myself and to my child--that is when I had enough!!!!
I agree with the previous person that we all do and say things we regret later--but most of us recognize it and go forth with apologizing and making amends. It is the abuser who doesn't recognize their behavior as such and will live in denial. They are seeking to obtain control in just about every facet of their partner's life and in doing so they are destroying the relationship and their partner's self esteem. They are more concerned with their own needs and desires and cannot/do not express individuality, automony, or separateness from their partner.
So, to finally answer your question: I don't believe one can be and abuser and an abusee. Since abuse is generally all about control and power over an abuser and abusee cannot coexist. If one were and abusee they are not seeking power/control. However, one who has continually been abused may take on abusive behavior themselves, especially toward their abuser and even in other relationships. Although this is inappropriate behavior and response--Abuse perpetrates abuse---generally. Now, I am not condoning that type of response seeing as we all have choices of how we will behave/speak/think/act.
God Bless
Your abuser ex husband can be change actitud when he remarried and be a good man?
yES;
There is nothing you cannot cure yourself of when you ADMIT YOU HAVE A PROBLEM.
A man or woman CAN CHANGE with counseling, a lot of self discipline, and CONSTANT WORK.
Yes, men AND women, with help and counseling, CAN remarry and correct themselves.
What is the mental makeup of a man who is a womanizer?
There are two types of men. One type is a man that simply loves women and treats them with respect, but refuses to settle down and will tell the woman involved right off the top that the relationship will go no further than seeing each other off and on for fun and sexual satisfaction.
The other type of man is immature, uncommitted, selfish, ego maniacal and has no idea in their wee brain that they are hurting not only the people they have relationships with, but family, friends and coworkers. These type of men take without conscience.
A womanizer is a man who lives his life enjoying the temporary high of captivating women with charm and deception. If he is charming he will admit that he is not in a commitment mind set and will often encourage the women whom he seeks that she could be the one to settle him down meanwhile NEVER allowing her that access. Friends with benefits
If he is a deceiver he will rotate time between several women never allowing anyone to feel the presence of competition. He will use the art of deception and manipulation to explain time unaccounted for, work,family concerns,failed electronic device (cell phone died) (sleeping and the cell was on silent) etc. Each woman he explains this to is under the misconception that she is his one and only lover and interest. The reason she would believe this is encouraged by his charm and willingness to create a GREAT time,give her the sweetest gestures of love and make grand memories,Great sex,a romantic get away,dinners cooked and dining out, friends and selected family meeting. Meeting mother is still a big deal and some womanizers will ACT as if they want you to meet mom and family but will have many excuses why it has not happened yet. There may be a a main squeeze who mom already is familiar with and that would explain YOU never meeting her.
Womanizers us BOTH of these tactics and master the level used depending upon the woman's needs or his level of desire for her. At the end of the day he is not committed to anyone and EVERYONE is being deceived in some significant way
When you jump/fall from an inthinkable height without parachute or any other safety devices. When a bird retracts its wings and fall striaght down it is consiered a free fall.
Is it possible to reattatch a testicle if it has been bitten off?
Um I'm guna guess no but im not sure
Name something specific a person might do during an argument that makes their partner really angry?
1. Raise Voice
2. Laugh
3. Curse
4. Walk Away
5. Ignore Them
6. Name Calling
7. Roll Eyes
(Family Feud)
Yes. Get written and photo evidence; take that to court and get your kids back.
Added: The first answer is, of course, correct. However there is a CAUTION: do it under legal circumstances. Do not go charging into her/their home and attempt to take the children by force.
As that would be considered abduction. see linksWhy do some boyfriends beat their girlfriends?
Sometimes they blackmail there girlfriends to stay with them
or they like bashing there girlfriends up.
Get out, and seek professional help (therapy). Do not try and explain it to him. Leave at the earliest opportunity when he is out, and don't look back. It seems impossible because you love him, but part of that love is tied to the abuse, and will not change.
Act now, or you may come to really regret it.
How are clients monitored for signs of abuse?
I am assuming that the patient is in therapy of some sort. Usually the therapist will just listen to the patient and no matter how much the abused person tries to cover up (usually because they feel it is their fault, they could have stopped it and they are embarrassed) the therapist is trained well and will know the signs. This is so UNTRUE! The victim has usually had little say in the matters of their abuse and there isn't much they can do about it if they were too young at the time or their lives were threatened. If the abused finds it too painful to talk about their feelings at the time or has a trust issue with their therapist (people in general), then its wise to write down your feelings on paper and keep it hidden at home until the patient feels they can give the letter to the therapist. As long as the therapist can get the story from their patient it doesn't matter if it's verbal or on a piece of paper. Once I was stalked by a total stranger (it turned out to be someone in the plant where I worked) and the language and threats if I didn't comply was so filthy that I wrote it all down for the police officer. I might add, even his face turned red. As long as they get the info that is all that matters. The abused person should not feel embarrassed, weak or submissive and understand that this happens to thousands of people all over the world. It's painful and it tough to talk about it so it's extremely important to communicate with the therapist any way the abused feels comfortable with. Marcy
Answer I wouldn't say it's abuse if it seems to happen every 5 years or so, it's more like he was mad and didn't quite know how to insult you so he called you fat. That's not abuse. Abuse is when someone strikes you or plays head games with you.
Abusive yelling blaming taking away?
It depends really. Some people think that yelling is abuse while others do not, blaming you for soemthing you did not do is abuse and taking things away from you for no reason is also abuse. At least that's what I think.
Why would abuse start after 15 years of marriage?
I had a similar situation, but I think the minor problem behaviors of earlier years escalated since he was in a very stressful job situation as well as the fact that I entered my 40's. I think that if he had been willing to go to counseling at this point and agreed to a "New Deal" we might have made it. Also, 15 to 17 years into a marriage, there is a phase that has to do with realigning the "power" of the partnership, and so a good discussion of that is worthwhile. One more suggestion is to make sure that the therapist's approach is from this angle of regrouping the relationship instead of trying to win everything over to your vision. Of course, if it is very violent verbally or physically, then it is a dealbreaker and you have a more serious situation to manage. Best of luck!
Abuse has no "start by" or "expiry" date. Sometimes it starts late, when you are well into a relationship. Two years is a long time.
It probably started right from the beginning but is escalating now.
15 years? Is this person had any major changes in their lives? You've got a good head start on turning this around if he's been "normal" up until now.
Maybe they are depressed elsewhere and is taking it out at home. Get away from them or they'll tear you apart like paper too or stay and help them..get help..call a professional..it might not be a good idea to talk to them though since it may offend them and get worse..Thats just my opinion though I dont know your situation only you do. But abuse is BAD and you KNOW it too..Tell someone about this...BEST of LUCK..
Why would the perfect man turn into a monster?
I guess the strain of being perfect must be getting to him? Seriously, there IS no "perfect man" for anyone, we aren't designed to be perfect, so that when someone seems perfect you can bet that some of it is an act that is going to drop some day. When that act drops, underneath you may well find a monster. First off...there are no perfect men (or women for that matter). When you meet someone new and they seem perfect, say all the perfect things, seem soooo together...RUN! this is a technique to manipulate you, then, when you are all emotionally attached, watch them turn into a monster! They overstep your personnal boundaries, use you, make you feel like you are worthless but also keep you afloat with comments like "you are the most important person in my life" or "You are the most special person" etc etc I cannot answer you "why" but I can tell you it exists and get rid of them as soon as possible. Look at Dr Sam Vaknin's web site for guidance. "Perfect" men are a piece of fiction - as are "monsters". Moreover, people don't "turn into" anything. Mostly, they are what they are. It is your perception of him that changed.
