Narcissism

I have learned and do believe that N's have abusive and/or traumatic childhoods, that they have either seen or been subject to abuse. What they learned and experienced from either or both of their parents/or abuser developed them into people they are. To us laypeople, it is a confusing explanation, best look it up under ask.com...narcissism. Anything by Sam Vaknin is very revealing. Look for examples of what YOU have been through and match it up to his examples...it made perfect sense to me...certainly though I am not a mental health provider and there is lots of room for error. But the N's lack of empathy and all the baggage of their acts and their posing and their drama rings true under the definition of narcissism. Peace...mbme

The narcissists learns emulation skills and build their own "emotional resonance table" as to others people's reactions. Because narcissists are emotional vampires, they have from a very young age learned the actions and reactions of other people. Over time, they have developed their own state of mind as to how people will react to certain situations. They constantly read other people, and every move and action by the other person is taken in by the narcissist, and calculated by through their emotional resonance table.

Also, abuse victims, which many narcissists are, develop what can be considered emotional and psychological antennae's. These antennae's were developed primarily in infancy, and can be thought of as a form of synesthesia. They were used by the infant to help them escaped the abuse that they suffered from. As the narcissist grows older, they continue to have these emotional antennae's to see into people's minds.

But, everything depends on a reaction from other people. Narcissists are cold and calculating. They have an innate ability to penetrate the psyches of other people.

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Maybe everyone has the ability to penetrate their partners mind... but they do not have the motivation. Ns use it because they have some sort of hate/thirst in them. Also Ns have experience in using that.

Narcissist comportment is not conscious. In their head, narcissists are good guys, they hurt the other person because they "love them" etc... They do not have easy control over these actions.

yes u should

Just leave them alone. Go away and let them do their destructive thing on their own. Even in confronting them you make it "all about them". For a change, let it be about you. Take care of YOUR needs. You don't NEED that kind of mental abuse.

Years ago after the "relationship" was over. I wrote a short one page letter to an N pretty much summarizing what he did to hurt me and what was wrong with him - in two paragraphs. I received a six page letter from him within days. ...which i never read but destroyed and threw down an outhouse drain to rot and be digested by the maggots. It was a major turning point in getting over the nightmare and moving on with my life.

I say after the relationship or incident plays out, yes confront him. But only when you are good and ready and need closure. Then you will begin to heal and move on.

Because you have to live with yourself for the rest of your life.

This again depends on how severe the disorder is, and other elements of the person's disorder AND also how long the relationship has lasted etc. To those who are absolutely convinced that someone - anyone - with a personality disorder is completely incapable of having feelings for others, I would remind you that to be diagnosed, one only has to meet some of the criteria, not all. I only mention this because I have noticed that there is a tendency for some people to depersonalize those with personality disorders and I assure you, many can function fine in society (yes, narcissists can be capable of empathy - lack of empathy is only one criterion and he/she may not have that among his/her constellation of symptoms). Having said that, yes it is possible a narcissist will have "other people to use", but this is not always the case. Depending on a lot of factors, a narcissist could also become quite upset with the lack of attention and try very hard to get that person to attend to him/her again. If the relationship is over, it is possible the narcissist will try to re-connect, and I cannot tell you how many people I have treated who have experienced this. From "normal" people also!

• It depends if someone has traits or fully blown NPD. Generally speaking, no I don't think they can. Friendship is based on trust, how can you trust someone who is only friends with you because of what they can gain from you?

• I always find it difficult to tell a narcissist with someone that is just pure selfish and self centered (that doesn't make them a narcissist.) There are also other mental disorders that can have similar symptoms. I just ended an 32 year friendship with a female friend of mine 'K'. I met her when she was 19 and I'm 22 years older. She was very ill with panic attacks and tried suicide and since I'd been through panic attacks several years before I was willing to help her. It was a strange bond to begin with (we were like oil and water) and yet similar in some ways and that's what put me off beat. Because of her illness I thought this could be part of her behavior (I never was nasty, gossipy, back-stabbing or selfish) but then everyone is different. I put up with much to the disgruntlement of my husband and some friends. I'm extremely loyal to family and friends and always remember the cliche 'Don't judge me until you have walked a mile in my shoes!' I HAD walked those miles she was walking through and that should have told me something right there! K started to back-stab me and I as unaware of this until subtle things began to happen. K told me she didn't like me seeing other friends and she didn't like sharing me with some of her friends. I began to realize she was controlling her own environment to keep herself safe. If you told her something it was all over the place (breaking a confidence) and the story didn't even resemble the one I had told her. I began not telling her my private thoughts. Now she is 48 years old and she is extremely immature. Her husband and her aren't getting along because he refuses to bend to some of her demands that aren't fair by telling him what he can and can't do as far as seeing some of his friends (he isn't cheating on her.) I thought she was, but she joined another club (I call it running away from your problems. My husband and I were invited to K's parties when she had them and got to know her biking friends, but only as acquaintances. One evening I got a call from this male friend of hers and he was drunk and accusing me of trying to split up K's marriage. HUH? I blasted this guy and told him to sober up and he had no right to talk to me that way as he didn't even know me. He backed off and was stuttering and stammering. The next day I faced my friend K and told her to knock it off or our friendship was over. She denied saying anything to this male friend and I bounced back, 'Well he couldn't have known any of the things he told me unless it came from YOU and I've never told you to leave you husband.' I also told her that her male friend had said that she had told him how horrible her family was and is to her. This is simply not true because I've known her family for a long time and I always thought she was spoiled. I nicknamed her the 'Drama Queen' and would call her that to her face. K was one of these people that wasn't happy unless there was constant drama around her. It suddenly hit me that K was either narcissistic or had some other mental disorder and she was sucking every ounce of energy out of me and stealing my care free personality from me. I remember a psychologist I worked for telling me, 'When someone makes you more unhappy than happy it's time to kick them out of your life.' So, I went down and faced K one on one. I told her the friendship was over! She looked stunned and had tears in her eyes and I was shocked I didn't even have any sympathy for her, because this girl had done some serious damage to people and had caused great pain and was never aware of what she was doing. She just didn't see how things really were and what she saw simply wasn't happening. She admitted she didn't like sharing her acquaintances with friends and I said, 'If you weren't so busy back stabbing them then you wouldn't have to keep score of who you told what too and you're afraid your lies will catch up with you! You've hurt me for the last time!' With that I walked away, never looked back and it's been almost two months. One part of me feels like a mountain has been lifted from my shoulders and one part of me wants to kick myself in the butt for not ending this relationship sooner. I've come to the conclusion that since we can't know ourselves 100% then we can't be expected to know someone else 100%. Now I'm smarter and choose my friends more carefully. I have friends I've known for 30 or more years and never had the problems I had with K. Now I know what to look out for. Perhaps it was a lesson I had to learn.

• The narcissist is no one's friend. Friendship is based on empathy - which the narcissist lacks.

• The narcissist may act like he/she is trying to be your friend, but it is not true friendship. It is just a game. The narcissist is only trying to gain value.

• In the case with Jo, she sure fooled me as far as the friendship thing went. At first, for five months, she sent me gifts, built up future hopes and dreams, fantasized our future friendship together with me. When we finally met in person, she shunned, mocked, mistreated, bait and switched, unspoken rules, belittled, degraded, ignored, silent treatment me, till I finally confronted her and MADE HER TELL ME WHAT THE HECK WAS GOING ON. She looked at me in the eye and said "I don't like you as a person. In fact, I can't STAND YOU!" This was a lady who sent me an automated birthday card just days before, stating how I was a gift from above and nothing would ever come between us, blah blah blah. This was NOT the first time I ever met her in person, so it was not really a surprise of how things went, though they went on from bad to worse over the course of many weeks of being with her and her family. So, can a N ever be a TRUE friend? She informed me "I don't have friends, Laura, and I told you that to begin with" , must have been in between the "you're my lil friend" "my friend who died would have hand-picked you for me"...guess I missed the part where she informed me that she doesn't HAVE any friends.

• What strikes me as particularly sad is that if narcissists might not be able or willing to provide true friendship for others, what does that say about themselves. I have fit into a narcissist role in relationships, with different degrees of knowing and not knowing what I was doing, or calculating with the other person's freely given love. The same has gone for friends, they were good to me and I didn't return that to them. At some point, I invariably felt like I failed myself in these relationships, as well as my friends. I have read a few sites on narcissism that have said that the narcissist tries to maintain individuality and stay away from commitment. I don't mean to create chaos in that view, but I think it's the opposite actually. Narcissistic people don't have coping skills to become independent, healthy people, and that's a great source of resentment. Even with that resentment, you're going to have to relax. No one else is going to fix you. If you're a narcissist, you're going to have to do it yourself, which means a lot of listening and forgiveness of yourself and where you may or may not have been. Please don't entertain a narcissist's self-perceived weakness. Contrary to what I've read on websites, narcissists can learn a lot by being around healthy people with healthy boundaries. This isn't a call to adopt your local-area narcissists for a trip to the zoo, but maybe they can hear about what a zoo is and go check it out for themselves.

• My Narcissist friend would say things like "You're my best friend in the world, I would do anything for you." and when push came to shove, he was gone. They don't mean anything they say. They'll look you in the eye and say I love you, you are everything to me, and then the next day they're gone. I don't think it's possible to have a true friend in a narcissist because what makes real friendships is what a narcissist does not possess.

• == No they can't because they lie to , abuse and betray everyone. They see no fault in doing so, and friendship requires trust, something you should never have for an Narcissist.

• It will seem like friendship for a while until you realize that all they are actually thinking is "How does this benefit me?"

• I have been in a relationship with a man (almost 18 months) whom I believe, through my lens of objective and subjective observation, exhibits a gradient shade of destructive pathological narcissism. Many hours of reading on this subject, and I'm not in any way qualified to state this kind of diagnosis/label. However, I have done much soul searching and introspection and observation against the backdrop of his relations with friends, their comments about him AND my interpersonal relationship with him. I have witnessed the funny and sometimes uncomfortable laughs and uncanny remarks that his closest friends have made about his eccentric and stubborn behavior. Mostly, they lovingly jest and mock him, roll their eyes at some of his comments or prattle off a comment like "Well that's M. for ya". Perfect strangers have felt alienated by him within moments of meeting him (if he perceives the are inferior to him). He can be downright rude. For this I have made silent facial or quietly stolen verbal apologies to these strangers in the literal wake of his rudeness. Some days, it can feel like walking upon eggshells to be in company with him. I perceive that he has fooled NO ONE but himself. He is very easy to spot in his false bravado...almost within minutes one can detect he has no reasonable side to his thoughts of different subjects. I knew upon our FIRST date that he offered way too much information about himself, made hit and run comments and sweeping generalizations or blanket statements about topics of discussion that were too tricky for him to reason his personal rationale of his opinions. Yet, when I would ask him what weight or relevance he could contribute to his "arguments", he would become easily frustrated as if I were impugning him for his beliefs. He is somewhat overly logical, irreverent and very intelligent in non emotional matters of the mind (almost genius) AND emotionally a wreck...inept to navigating his life with empathy to others feelings or needs or expectations or personal values. He DE-VALUES OTHERS FREQUENTLY. There are countless examples of his remarks where he would disparage or negate acknowledgment of another's achievements to the point you can't help but kind of feel sorry for him. He's between a precocious ten year old and a spoiled rotten ten yer old brat. I am at times embarrassed more for him than any one else. Many times he is the butt of his own hypocrisy. Sometimes when I speak of him like this I feel as if I am getting on my high moral horse and just putting him down. When really,there's nothing more than I would be happy to see him be a fully emotionally evolved man. But he knows no different or better. This is how he has coped for most of his life. "Intimacy" or "into me you see". This is when he is most likely to "rage" with his own fractured emotions. Unable to reason or qualify a nebulous emotion. His emotions are like squishy, slippery jello. If you try to squish the jello, it will just slip out from underneath you hand. He is emotionally elusive, guarded and cannot remember many things of his past (mostly childhood) or false promises that he made the day before. Deny, deny, deny is his way of wiggling out. He'll call you a liar, paranoid, spiteful, controlling if you try to hold him accountable for ANYTHING that does not go his way. You'll always be the bad guy if you upset his sense of self and don't mirror back his reality the way he wants YOU to behave and mimic to his satisfaction. I have mistakenly framed him as a walking wounded, and for that, I have my own fault in staying with him; I want to nurture his wounded side. Which in turn makes me feel that I have a needed importance in placing myself in the path of his wrath. A masochist for his love am I. Sick, I know. We could get into esoteric labels like "Histrionic Personality Disorder"..."Inverted Narcissism" and so on to intellectualize and rationalize my being with him. Suffice it to say that I have my own propensity of neediness and covert manipulation going on in order to preserve or perpetuate my fear of abandonment or loss of control or thoughts that he could change for himself of his own volition. Make no mistake. HE WILL NEVER CHANGE UNDER ORDINARY CIRCUMSTANCES. Only thing that changes is me and how I choose to react to him. And so far, I have reasoned a lot of my behavior away and have arrived at trying to LEARN AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE from my motives for staying with this gentleman. Many times he is no gentleman at all. He can be a raging monster if you wake the beast inside. In that case I have learned to use humor with him to distract him from himself. I have become quite the comic and sometimes "Court Jester" to my chagrin. That's part of how I survive myself and him. AND SO FAR IT'S ACTUALLY WORKING. That, and moving out of his home so that he cannot control me with possessiveness and jealousy or dictating. Keep excellent boundaries with people of this nature. That's the best advice that I can impart to anyone choosing to relate to a Narcissist. "What are YOU deriving from the friendship/relationship"? Now this question IS the distillation of what people seem to think Narcissists are ONLY partaking in friendship/relationship to begin with, which is "what are they getting from you"? Well, not a person on the face of this earth DOES NOT derive some "thing" or benefit from relation to another. By nature we are selfish and we possess healthy amounts of Narcissism for our own survival. Otherwise we'd get walked over from head to toe. But with Narcissism, it is the selfishness gone awry, off balance and way out of whack. This is what is important to gauge. Just how destructive are his actions affecting you? And you must CHOOSE to stay or go. You cannot be a VICTIM to his ways. You do it to yourself if you choose to let the Narcissist behave badly. On most accounts, he knows no other way. Even though deep down he will have his moments of "awakening" to the guilt and strife that he causes himself and others. He KNOWS that he is hurting and emotionally discombobulated. Only, he rarely can see this in a consistent manner and long enough to make healthy changes in his life. In many ways my boyfriend has been an unwitting teacher to me. He has been a friend and a lover (by measurement of the best that he knows how to be a friend and intimate lover, stunted by his inability to empathize). But by motives he will never truly be able relate to true friendship or altruism without an ulterior motive. Since most of his motives for participating or doing with me I perceive centers around fear of his loss of standing predominant within my life. It is difficult to describe this. For instance, If I ask another male friend of mine to help with a chore, then my boyfriend will become unreasonably jealous accusing me of NOT asking him on purpose in order to be "spiteful" and to make him look bad. One occasion he gifted me a crystal diamond paperweight. One evening before he left for a week long trip out of state, I jokingly told him that the paperweight would be a good defense weapon to use against and intruder while he was not there to protect me. Immediately, he turned 180 degrees what I said and accused me of wanting to "Kill" him with the paperweight. Very odd and uncanny retort, to which I was unable to correct his misconception. From there out he was convinced that I wanted to hurt him to the degree that I chose to remove the paperweight from the house. Once I removed the "object" of his paranoia, he relented. Can Narcissists be a true friend? That is for you to figure out based upon you own subjective experience AND your own motives. Try doing a pros and con's list. This is simple and usually revealing. For myself, I have chosen to love and accept him just the way he is. This is what I have learned most is "acceptance" of another and a term I coined called "ego boot-camp". Facing my own ego has been more of a challenge then ever facing my boyfriend. Accepting him and accepting and loving myself in the face of all the 180 degree fury, blame and contradiction that he will attempt to foist upon me. I feel like I have more introspection then I have ever had before AND more empathy for others than I could have imagined. More accountability for the choices that I make, and less of the blame game for what I perceive others are "doing to me", which really, I'm only doing to myself. (Check out online: The Albert Ellis Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy Institute) All the internal kicking and screaming and denying, the hurt, pain and anger. These are ALL negative traits to harbour, as if I have been "exorcised" or cleansed in some way by having encountered such a person as my boyfriend. Sounds as if I'm hailing him, huh? Nope. It's just a relief to visit the hellish part of one's own existence, live in hell for awhile , and actually come out a wiser and better woman for facing the scariest person of all...myself. I'm just fine the way I am. I love myself and accept myself and narcissist or no narcissist, I'll be okay. I am not responsible for his reactions. This is what it is like (for me) when relating to a person with overcompensating narcissistic personality traits. We cannot control or change now matter how much we think we can influence another. He has unwittingly taught me to be more vigilant of my independence and autonomy and to have more patience with life in general. We are all so very unique as individuals. We are all so very special and tender and resilient. It has been my boyfriend who has ironically taught me that by his fear of NOT being unique; I have come to appreciate even more just how unique each and every beautiful soul exists. Himself included.

1. I had a friend that was a narcissist. I think it's important to identify what types of people a narcissist preys upon. From my own experience, there are three classifications on the narcissists scale of victims. The "needy" person. They attempt to find inferior targets (I mean inferior in their own mind). They make them feel better about themselves. They get to feel superior. This group would be the traditional "prey" for narcissistic supply. Then, there are targets they perceive to be on their own level; these are the targets they compete with; they always attempt to outdo them in every way, they will lie, manipulate, deceive, etc it doesn't have to be a "real" win, so long as it appears that way. The last classification would be targets that the narcissist envies. They might have position, prestige, power, good looks, knowledge or popularity that the narcissist envies...these targets are the ones they try to suck up to, brown-nose, cultivate a friendship, flatter, etc. An amusing incident with my ex-friend; we were watching a TV program that was highlighting a child prodigy playing the piano. Most normal people would look at the child with admiration....She said wistfully, "They all must envy him." Very typical narcissistic response. Never admire or give credit where credit is due, they want it all for themselves. No one is allowed to be "better" than them in any way I fall in to the "needy" category. I was a perfect victim for this woman. I'm isolated, I suffer from agoraphobia, anxiety neurosis, and OCD. Thinking that she was depressed, insecure, I attempted to do everything I could to make her feel good; I complimented her, I listened to her. Then, it dawned on me, there was nothing coming back. She talked big, but when it really counted, she was never there. If I came to her with a problem, rather than show any kind of sympathy or kindness, she would use the opportunity to tell me how it never would have happened to her, how she would have done it better....not one shred of decency, compassion, or connection; another human beings moment of weakness was nothing more than a moment to exploit, a chance to feel superior She takes every opportunity to give other people a list of her own and her husbands skills, achievements, successes. If someone says they got an A on a test, she got an A+. If she can't distort and stretch the truth to say she got the A+, then her husband, brother, uncle, cousin did it better than you. The lying is sickening. One day, she will say, "I hate chicken", but if it's someone she wants to flatter, she suddenly loves it. This affected me deeply, because I'm lonely, she was one of my only friends; that's why I tried so hard to make it work. I'm still not completely over this, but I'm trying real hard I hope my imput helps others, all the above posts have been extremely helpful to me, and have given me a great deal of insight.

• I had a narcissistic friend for over 12 years. In the beginning, she would always cook for me and beg me to stay a little longer and not leave, etc. As the relationship went along, she told me she never really had any friends, how terrible her childhood was, etc. Then came the broken promises, we'll do such and such on Thursday, then on Thursday she'd have an excuse and make more false promises. I admit, I fell for this over and over, as did her 6 children and her husband. The story ended when I moved away and all of a sudden she didn't like me anymore. I tried to ask her why she was so mad at me, and told her I would love her to come and visit whenever she wanted. She said she would never visit. The end. This hurt my feelings for a long time and I just couldn't figure out what I did wrong, especially since after all those years being her friend and her telling me that I'd always be welcome because I was family. But after much soul searching I find that I did nothing wrong other than move away. And since she bad mouthed everyone that didn't do things she wanted or her way, I should have expected the same. No, narcissists cannot be friends, and cannot be trusted. I could never trust this lady to do anything she said she was going to do, or depend on her for anything. Towards the end of our friendship I had to be very careful when I'd call her and exactly what I said because she became so, for lack of a better word, mean. If you think you're friend is a narcissist, and that you can help them, change them, or count on them, it will never happen.

• I have a friend like this an we have been friends since high school. Best friends for most of it with our ups and downs. She cycles through people she hangs out with constantly. I have often confronted her on it because I am a blunt person and I will tell you when something bothers me, but with her she just turns it around and its always my fault and im just 'yelling' at her and 'never happy with anything she does'. I have tried to tell her that I care about her and that's why it bothers me and all she can say is 'well if im so horrible then why do you care about me?' I cant seem to get her to understand that I care because I am actually a good normal friend and that's what friends do!! I now know she will NEVER understand, she cannot sympathize with how she makes anyone else feel. She only knows how it makes her feel.

• The same thing happened to me when I moved!! Everything came to a head and I barely spoke to her after I left. I didn't say anything for a long time and just recently I finally did because we haven't spoken in five months which I. By the end of the long drawn out conversation of me telling her I care about her and her just saying I was wrong about everything I we are not friends anymore and it's hard! It's particularly hard for anyone going through this that values friendships and is their for their true friends. But she kept saying to me 'if I'm (she's) so bad then why do you care, why do you want to be my friend' and I finally realized as screwed up as some of her comments were (" Yeah, we were best friends but we don't have to be friends forever." Who is saying that??) that I don't need her and she doesnt make me happy. As much as I wish we were friends she won't change, she's been this way for years and sometimes I feel like I'm the only one willing to tell her because she lashes out when you do. I think moving can be the catalyst because they don't really have you there to take your attention so you become a used up source of energy. Sad but true. If you think you're dealing with a very serious, intense, threatening or dangerous Narissist go look up Psychopath on this site. I sometimes think a person whose is narcissistic on the surface may be a Psychopath deep down. This girl dated a bonafide Psychopath for over a year and wouldn't leave him after he mistreated her and I was there everytime she needed me, but she's certainly forgotten that.

• The contradictions of a Narcissist are absurd and ridiculous. Yet, a full blown Narcissist will truly believe the following credo and probably smile and brag in agreement, as if someone really understands the way it should be. Be careful if you're writing a helpful contribution to psychology in the form of a dissertation or study, should you wrangle with this type of personality. Otherwise, the sheer audacity will either amuse you or flirt with destroying you. Below are some points you may find familiar... "I am a unique person" ... Since I am superior, I feel an entitlement to special treatment and privileges ... People that are inferior are not entitled to special treatment or privileges ... I don't have to be bound by the rules or laws that apply to other people. I make my own rules and I break or bend laws and rules if it suits my interest ... Other people are bound by my rules. If other people break my rules, they are intolerable ... It is very important to get recognition, praise, and admiration ... If other people get recognition, praise or admiration they are not important to me ... If others don't respect my status, they are beneath me and unworthy of my time ... If I respect other people's status, they are above or equal to me, and therefore, they are worthy of my time ... Other people should satisfy my needs ... I do not want to satisfy other people's needs ... Other people should recognize how special I am ... I do not think that other people are special ... It's intolerable if I'm not accorded my due respect or don't get what I'm entitled to ... It's intolerable if I must accord due respect to others or give them what they are entitled to ... People have no right to criticize me if their actions effect me ... I have a right to criticize others if their actions effect me ... No one's needs should interfere with my own ... I can interfere with other people's needs if they interfere with my own ... Only people as brilliant as I am will understand me ... I do not want to take the time to understand other people unless they are brilliant.

• Narcissistic people are always looking for supply. Capable of friendship? Only if you have something they can use. They are the worst "users" in the world. In the beginning, prepare to be romanced regardless of whether it's a male or female and the terms of your relationship. Ns who want to be friends are quite giving in the beginning as this is the most vulnerable time for them sniffing out Narcissistic supply. They will practically offer anything to get this. They are famous for taking others out to lunch, and buying gifts and that sort of thing in order to impress you. If in a business arrangement, they offer to send you endless referrals and business. This is a win/win for them as they get you excited and interested in them, get you hooked to a so-called "referral base" (that usually never occurs...or they send you 1 measly client), and they can withdraw this wonderful non-existant offer when you don't behave according to their standards (got a pimple? That's enough for them!). This costs them nothing as it was really never their intention to help you anyway, but Ns DO tend to believe their own lies while telling them. Because they were so giving in the beginning, the victim of the N is in for a big shock when the novelty of the relationship wears off (Narcissists get bored and of course it's your fault), or you happen to disagree with them. Friendship with an Narcissist has a very short shelf life as there is no room for honesty, intimacy, open self-disclosure, or any other sort of bond. Just at the point when most relationships grow/deepen you will find your Narcissist high-tailing it out of there due to their terror of intimacy. The wounds they create for others is deep. They cause great hurt that does not heal quickly or normally. This is due to their Jeckyl & Hyde behavior. Look to one or both of your parents (siblings too) for your initial training in being attracted to these people. No other sane person would be attracted or tolerate this type of person for any length of time (which is why there is alot of "turnover" in their personal lives). Notice the "healthy" people who seem to run from the Narcissist presence. If you want to be healthy....you better run too.

• I have finally come to the conclusion that one of my friends of eight years is a Narcissist. I have done a lot of work on my self-esteem in this time and I realise it's me that's changed, but our friendship just isn't working anymore. I recognise what she does now, whereas before I thought it was my deficiencies that were the problem. Whenever I do something, she does it better, for example when I took up jogging, she started jogging two weeks later, and three weeks after that was signing up for marathons, never once asking how my jogging was progressing. Whenever I express admiration for someone, she expresses a comment along the lines of 'oh I don't think they're that good' with a dismissive shrug. She knows everything (even when she doesn't) and responds to almost every factual statement I make with a 'yes but...'. When I try to tell her anything, I'm constantly interrupted with 'I know...I know that...I knew that...I know...' She doesn't seem to believe in anything except herself (certainly not a higher power of any description), is never impressed by anything, and nothing seems to move her. When she joined Mensa she didn't tell anyone she was taking the test until after the results were in. Because she didn't want anyone to make a fuss (or because she didn't want anyone to know if she failed?). When she went for motorbike lessons and was thrown off the course because she'd never even learned to ride a bike, she professed to never have really wanted to ride a motorbike anyway. She is particularly insufferable when she's been around men who show interest in her, not seeming to understand that they would more than likely be interested in any attractive intelligent woman who showed up at the time. And the lies she has told me to protect the image she has built of herself as an irresistable fountain of desire that no man can resist (even though they all leave after three or four weeks). I don't believe this person can or was ever a true friend. I'm appalled that I allowed myself to be taken in by her but at least now I see her for what she is and disappointed as I am that she's not who I thought she was, I'm able to appreciate the real friends I have all the more.

• I have just left my Narcissist because I had no choice; he left me emotionally months ago anyway, the rest was a charade. I told him I was prepared to be friendly. I honestly meant this because I was a bit selfish and wanted to continue seeing his children. Anyway it was not to be. He refuses any contact with me whatsoever. That's fine with me. As for his friends; well he doesnt have any. I don't know one person that wants to be friends with this guy. My children and their partners wanted to be friends but he brushed them aside. Narcissists don't know how to to interact honestly with others. This is what friendships require.

• I wrote above about the 12 year friendship with a Narcissist. She has now filed for divorce from her husband (me and he are still good friends), she's turned their 6 kids against him steadily for the past several years. They are both living in the same house pending the divorce, but she left for two weeks to live with her boyfriend, then came home since she has only 3 weeks to pack and get out. She has treated her husband and kids worse than dirt for several years now; the kids don't dare to disagree with her highness, (otherwise she rules the kids every movements) and has always been very unkind to their animals (ie: kicking them, not giving them supper, not giving them their prescribed medications), no one else would do these things but she denies it even when caught red handed. She left her first husband only after finding someone else, she's repeating history. If she wants something she will do anything to get it. She claimed for years that she hated sex, but she has told all her teenage daughters that sex with her new boyfriend is really great after 40. She took her kids to meet the new boyfriend months before filing for a divorce, on the day her youngest was confirmed they went to dinner and met the new man. If it's someone that has been good to her and they want something, that's just too bad. She is a wretched, miserable person, and I'm so glad I finally see the light. I hope her poor abused husband gets his life back together, he deserves it. Everything this woman says is a complete lie. She told so many stories of 'poor me' and now that I know her I don't believe anything she ever told me. She twists everything to fit her needs of the moment. Narcissists are some very lowly human beings, they care about no one else, and I will run not walk if I ever even think about being caught up in a narcissists life again. So not worth it!

• No because friends give and take. This person will only take never give and you will one day get enough of their ways if you become friends with them.

• A narcissist I thought was my friend (and sometimes I still do!) for many years did bad things to me. I got so tired of the lies I gave an interview to a website (over 20 months ago) I just need to let the truth be out. What is so sad is this Narcissist has tremendous potential!! I have known so many Narcissists, including my mother - and it really does wear you down as a person They believe their lies. That's what's so horrifying and creepy at the same time.

• Yes you are so right about them believing their lies. If they promise something and you hold them to it they don't know what your problem is.

• Their friends suspect the N has certain traits but see it more affectionately as eccentricity. When you're in a relationship with an N and you live with them, you are the only person who really knows about their destructive behaviour. Even their children don't always know the extent of it. It can be lonely and bewildering.

• Mine was so amazing when we met and made so many promises about things that truly affect the centre and substance of your life. Then when you move in with them they do exactly whatever they feel like. Because the good things were so intense it makes it harder to disconnect altogether. What a relationship with a narcissist can teach you is to believe in yourself. It is only when you truly believe in yourself and your connection with the positive energy that exists in the world, and that everyone can connect to, that you will get out. If you feel lonely when you're out, put on a bit of the charm that you saw your narcissist using on others, and you will have friends in no time. And when you have these new friends, treat them right and they'll be good long term friends who bring relationships worth valuing. Then you won't even have time to wonder what that old narcissist was doing!

• I think my boyfriend has NPD. Actually we just broke up and it concerns me greatly wether I should remain friends with him or not. We have been together for the past 2 years and let me tell you...they have been the most emotionally insane 2 years of my life. It's like I am addicted to him, yet I always thought there was something off about him. It wasn't proven until I finally found out he was hitting on every woman I knew and some. What did he think? I wouldn't find out?Anyways, I did and was devastated, but I took him back(something I would have never done with other lovers) He acknowledged some bad behaviour but never all of it. He says it was some kind of subconcious test to see if I loved him(???)He drinks alot,smokes alot of pot, drives like a maniac. He has no respect for anyone. He has no friends. Mind you, he has gotten alot better.It used to be a nightmare to bring him out with anyone I knew. He used to go into jealous rages or have weird panic attacks that didn't make any sense. He is friendlier with people, but won't actually call my friends his friends. He wants the world, but can't seem to juggle responsibilities, which leaves me feeling alone in the relationship. He also watches alot of porn, which didn't used to bother me, but our sex life sucks. He was great in bed for a while, but got very lazy(i was doing all the work)He is a very handsome man and I am very attracted to him. So it is very frustrating for me, but he doesn't seem to care. He doesn't seem to care about any of my feelings. I have fallen to sleep crying next to him on countless nights because I feel so unloved, and he just falls asleep, like nothing is wrong. Or he gets irritated, but never does he comfort me. It is truly odd. I honestly feel like the man hates me. But then he says I am his best friend and he loves me so much(????) Narcissism is my only explanation. He lacks empathy. Do I sound crazy?

• Just to add to the girl's statement above. I just broke up with my boyfriend (who definitely has NPD). I was dating him for about 8 Months. In the begining everything was amazing. We both hit it off immediatly. Everything from the same addictive love for our favorite baseball team, to our love for all different types of food, to the same movies and television programs in common. We even ate the same cereal and watched the same cartoons growing up. The first date was amazing. We met online, and I didnt waste anytime asking to meet up in person. We had such a great conversation on the phone. And we were both very outgoing strong personalities. So, we met for dinner, at a restaruant that he picked. And just never stopped talking for the next 5 huors. Immedaitely attracted to each other too. Well, we both figured out that we had great jobs, worked and lived in the same cities. Just so many similarities. Immediately I was over his place (always his place and never mine), 3-4 times a week. Spent tons of time together. The first 2 months were the best. He would cook for me all the time, and we just had a great time together. That was also the only time, in those 2 months that he ever paid me a compliment, by telling me that he had never been so attracted to anyone else before. Well, time went by. And after the honeymoon was over, I found it odd that I never got close in his world. Never met any of his friends. But, he also never hung out with any of his friends. He spoke about highschool friends, but never saw them. Then he caught up with some new college friends on Facebook, and maybe saw them once or twice. But that was it. It took him 5 months to let me meet his familly. And then 3 months after that it ended. He said he was missing that "feeling" for me. No attraction. And i noticed the decline after those 2 months, now that I look back. He stopped holding my hand, he stopped just making simple gestures like touching my leg for instance, or even hugging me or holding my hand. Sex was a struggle. And like the girl above, I often would go to bed crying and upset. And he would show me no compassion, or even emotion. When he broke up he told me he loved me and I was his best friend, and had been for the whole relationship. Well, he didnt hang out with anyone or talk to anyone, so of course I was. And he feared losing me in his life. Well I have tried to be friends with him. But it is just as cold as he was when he was dating me. It is limited to emails only. But, even that is just pointless. NPD's do not have empathy or care about anyone. They are photocopies of people. And it is a sad exisitence. I am glad I was not the girl he dated for 3 years, and then decided to break up with, for the same reason. I got out of it easy. But it was not without hurt or pain.

Only if you want to be used, abused, lied to and emotionally harmed more.

Answer Yes, it is possible to reunite with a narcissist. Aside from teens, on-off relationships are generally between those with NPD and those with BPD, because they're generally both afraid of both engulfment and abandonment.