# Jokes and Riddles

## Tickle your brain! Laugh and have some fun! If you know a great, non-offensive joke or riddle, this is the place for it!

### How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

This is an American English language tongue-twister that is used to train children to master speech, set in a fun rhyme of alike sounding words. The answer given within the tongue twister is: "A woodchuck would chuck all the wood he could if a woodchuck could chuck wood." NOTE: In real life, Woodchucks (groundhogs) do NOT really chuck wood. Read below for some humorous answers to this perplexing tongue twister. Woodchucks Chucking Wood The amount of wood that woodchucks would chuck on a given day varies greatly with the individual woodchuck. According to a Wall Street Journal article, New York State wildlife expert Richard Thomas found that a woodchuck could chuck around 35 cubic feet of dirt in the course of digging a burrow. Thomas reasoned that if a woodchuck could chuck wood, he would chuck an amount equal to 700 pounds. Some say it depends on three factors: The woodchuck's desire to chuck said wood. The woodchuck's need to chuck the aforementioned wood. The woodchuck's ability to chuck the wood when it is a woodchuck Others say: The woodchuck could chuck as much wood as he wanted! "Sixteen and 1/2 board feet a day- except on Groundhog's Day since groundhog is another name for woodchuck."- This answer is according to no less an authority than the 'Junior Woodchucks Guidebook', a publication often consulted by Huey, Dewey, and Louie Duck and referred to yet again by them in answering this very same question. How Chuck Norris got involved-A woodchuck would only chuck as much would as Chuck Norris would allow it to, because the woodchuck shares Chuck's name. Therefore, Chuck must punish it and make it chuck as much wood as Chuck can. So, a woodchuck would chuck as much wood as Chuck could. None because a wood chuck cannot chuck wood! Approximately 3.9675 pounds every 5.6843 seconds. So there. 2.865 lbs every 11.3686 Seconds? As much as he needed to be satisfied. It could chuck a lot. But it definitely couldn't chuck Chuck Norris. A group of people actually did a study on this. None of the woodchucks ate any wood planks so they never upchucked it but some of them chucked them (threw them) at people. During my study of Woodchuck I came to the conclusion that woodchucks don't chuck wood but only drink beer. However, this beer can frequently motivate them towards actions that can closely resemble the chucking of wood. A woodchuck will only chuck certain wood, likely that which is found in their natural, prairie habitat. Therefore, the lack of trees on the prairie is quite closely related to the chucking of wood performed by these wood-chucking woodchucks. Since it is the same animal as the Groundhog, should we not instead ask : how much ground would a groundhog hog if a groundhog would hog ground. The above is pretty goood, but I think that the groundhog would be hogging sod. 315g. This was an estimate done in a book of useless trivia. A woodchuck would chuck as much wood as a woodchuck could chuck - if a woodchuck could chuck wood. About as many good cookies a good cook could cook, if a good cook could cook cookies good. About as many boards as the bored Mongol hordes would hoard if the bored Mongol hordes did hoard boards in gourds. He would chuck, he would, as much as he could, he would, if a woodchuck could chuck wood. If he could chuck wood, the woodchuck would chuck as much as he could! If a woodchuck could chuck wood, he would and should chuck wood. But if woodchucks can't chuck wood, they shouldn't and wouldn't chuck wood. Though were I a woodchuck, and I chucked wood, I would chuck wood with the best woodchucks that chucked wood. If a woodchuck could chuck wood, then s/he'd chuck all the wood, s/he'd chuck and chuck and chuck and chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood. It would chuck the amount of wood equal to the seashells that sweet Suzy Shoreham sells by the seashore divided by how many primary pickled peppers Peter Piper picks. One quarter of a sycamore if you give him a quarter for every quarter of the sycamore he cut. It might depend on how many female woodchucks were present. Or, it could depend on whether the woodchuck's mother-in-law was around or not. If she was, he'd be chucking all day. If not, he'd be watching the football game. Some maintain that woodchucks could not and would not chuck wood at all. It depends on how good his dentures are! A woodchuck would chuck as much wood as a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. But unfortunately, woodchucks do not chuck wood. About 5.72 fluid litres of wood About as many boards as the Mongol hoards would hoard if the Mongol hordes did hoard boards. Tons. More than you can count. Honestly. No one can chuck more would than a woodchuck. If the woodchuck's name was Maurice, then it could chuck all the wood that it wants to. However, if its name is Frank, no chucking would be for it. Due to the average size of a woodchuck and the general density of wood (not including cork [which is actually bark]) if a woodchuck could chuck wood it would probably get through about 6.573 pounds per day, assuming the woodchuck is functioning correctly. Using the formula: (W + I) * C where W = the constant of wood, which is well known to be 61, as agreed in many scientific circles. I = the variable in this equation, and stands for the word "if" from the original problem. As there are three circumstances, with 0 equaling the chance that the woodchuck cannot chuck wood, 1 being the theory that the woodchuck can chuck wood but chooses not to, and 2 standing for the probability that the woodchuck can and will chuck wood, we clearly must choose 2 for use in this equation. C = the constant of Chuck Norris, whose presence in any problem involving the word chuck must there, is well known to equal 1.1 of any known being, therefore the final part of this calculation is 1.1. As is clear, this appears to give the answer of (61 + 2) * 1.1 = (63) * 1.1 = 69.3. However, Chuck Norris' awesome roundhouse kick declares that all decimal points cannot be used in formulas such as this, and so it must be rounded to the final solution of 69 units of wood. A woodchuck would chuck as much wood as a woodchuck could chuck until Chuck Norris got there. As much wood as a wood chuck could chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood. Here are more answers from our members: Oddly enough, this is just one of many oral exercises employed by auctioneers. Using a sing-song method of delivery, varying the syllabic emphasis, and testing themselves to see how many times the question and answer can be repeated in one breath while being heard and understood by an audience, is how they hone their harmonic skill. Woodchucks can't chuck wood and they were only named that because the English men who found it could not pronounce the Indian version and settled for this. But if woodchucks could they would probably chuck about 700 pounds of it (true scientific evidence backs this up). A woodchuck would chuck ALL of the wood if a woodchuck could chuck wood! Well assuming its a fairly large woodchuck and its early adulthood, he would be able to chuck about 90-110 pounds of wood an hour. Actually, it is more likely that global warming or the volcano located at Yellowstone will kill us all before a woodchuck could chuck wood. This depends on several decisive factors: 1. The size of the woodchuck in question. 2. The density of the wood. 3. The position function of the woodchuck [f(w)] in relation to the wood [w]. 4. The velocity [v=f'(w)] and acceleration [a=dv/dw; or a= f"(w)] with respect to the woodchuck and the chucking. 5. Given an interval [t], integrate the function [f(w)] allowing for [a] and [v]. There you have it, the area under the curve. (I.E. HOW MUCH A WOOD A WOODCHUCK CAN CHUCK). He would chuck, he would, as much as he could, and chuck as much wood as a woodchuck would if a woodchuck could chuck wood. Could "chuck wood"??? ...as much as you give him greedy lil critter!!!

### Why did the scarecrow win an award?

he was outstanding

### How many grams are in a kilogram?

There are 1,000 grams (g) in a kilogram (kg) and 0.001 kilogram equal a gram. The prefix "kilo" (symbol k) in the International System of Units (SI), means one thousand. 1,000 grams in a kilo. 1000 100 1 kg = 1000 g 1 kg = 1000 grams 1 gram = 0.001 kg

### How does a dog stop a CD player?

it pushes the "paws" button

### Would you rather be able to detect any lie you hear or get away with any lie you told?

I think it would be more fun and personally rewarding (albeit probably immoral) to get away with any lie you told. Identifying any lie you hear will most likely only teach you things you wish you didn't know.

### Sally's birthday is on July 9 Billy's birthday is two weeks later Billy's party is three days after his birthday When is Billy's party?

It would be July 26 because if you add 2 weeks to the 9th (+14 days) then you would get July 23 but it said his party is 3 bays after his birthday so it would be July 23 (+3 days) which would equal the 26 of July.

### What do road crews use at the North Pole?

Road crews up at the North Pole have it tough. They have to use snow cones.

### What occurs once in every minute twice in every moment yet never in a thousand years?

The letter "M" occurs once in every minute, twice in every moment, but never in a thousand years.

### When should you take a cookie to the doctor?

You should take your cookie to a doctor when it feels crummy. You should take your cookie to the doctor when you have enough dough.

### Who your arch-rival and also as lots of the letters froms enemies?

the answer is nemesis

### What did the boy rabbit say to the girl rabbit?

What's hoppin'? Hahaha...

### Why are the three billy goats called gruff?

When they have a threesome, things get a little g"ruff" lol

money

### When does 9 plus 4 equal 1?

9 a.m + 4 hours = 1 p.m. More generally, when you are doing modulus arithmetic, specifically mod 12. ie. (9+4) mod 12 = 1 not as tough as 9 pm + 4 hours = 1 am

Up in arms

### What gets wetter as it dries?

A towel gets wetter as it dries you. YOU dry off while the TOWEL gets wet. a towel!! A Towel

### 2 guardians one gate to hell and one to heaven. How can find gate to heaven by asking only one question?

I have seen similar questions; the assumption is that one will always tell the truth, the other will always lie. The question can either be: "What would the other guardian say if I asked which was the way to heaven", or "What would you say if I asked you which was the way to heaven", or some variation. -- There simply is no guardians or gates written in the KJV text which I am aware of that related to souls access to heaven. In Revelation 20 it is written," and I saw the dead small and great stand before God and the books were opened and another book was opened, which is the book of life. And the dead were judged out of those things which were written in the books, according to their works. ... and they were judged even man according to their works. And whosoever was not found written in the book of life was cast into the lake of fire. Verses concerning your soul returning to our Father upon your death are written in Ecclesiastes 12:7: Then shall the dust return to the earth as it was: and the spirit shall return unto God who gave it. Luke 16 defines a condition for those returning souls who are not in good standing according to their works. -- It is not you who asked any questions permmiting you to enter through the gates of heaven, but it is you who are asked questions by the sentinals who guard the gates. You have to justify yourself as being worthy to make entry through these royal portals. Right answers to the questions asked permit you to stand on the right hand of God with His sheep or on His left with the goats. All are permitted to go to the spirit world without any questions being asked of us. But not to the kingdom where God resides. Remember when we are eventually asked questions we cannot lie our way into heaven, for all our doing are known to God.

### What do you call your husband's wife's mother?

Unless you are in a polygamous marriage, you are your husband's wife, so you would call her your mother.

### What do you call a pony that doesnt whinny?

A little hoarse/horse.

### An angry elderly woman had twelve toothpicks in front of her She threw one away Now she had nine in front of her How is this possible?

The 12 toothpicks were arranged into the letters N-I-N-E-I, with toothpicks forming an N (3), I (1), N (3), E, (4) and I (1). She throws away the one that makes the last I, so she is left with N-I-N-E. (the letters now spelled out by the remaining eleven 11 toothpicks)

### What does 32 t in an a mean?

32 Teeth in an Adult

### What are good ginger jokes?

whats the difference between a ginger lieing in the road and a dog in the road , people tried to stop for the dog

### What climbs up a tree with two legs and climbs down with three?

Man. The tree is the tree of life and the 3rd leg is a walking stick.