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Abusive Relationships and Domestic Violence
An abusive relationship is a relationship in which a person is victim to the use or threat of being physically or psychologically abused. Here you can ask questions about abusive relationships such as how to spot it, and how to get yourself or others help.
3,885 Questions
How should a man handle a woman he considers abusive especially when the abuse often triggers rage?
I think the man should separate from the woman...immediately. This is not to condone the rage or angry behavior (shouting?), but it seems to be an imperfect response to inexcusable behavior. It is a vicious cycle and is not good for either party. If it is early in the relationship and otherwise things are good, a good communication class for both parties might be in order. But if the abusive behavior continues, then it is a deal breaker to the relationship.
There is little difference between male and female abusers. See the external links further down this page.
Before I could offer any suggestions - I need to have EXPLAINED what is meant by "the rage such abuse often triggers?" It sounds like - when you are abused? you then rage. Is this the case??? If you are raging at her then in all probability and from experience - she is trying to defend herself!!!!!!!!!!
Abuse is abuse period. I am a man that recently left an abusive relationship with a female Narcissist. The abuse was mostly non-verbal - silent treatment, withdrawing and other manipulating, control tactics that infected me like a slow poison over time. I made a stand and left the woman, which is the only viable option. It hurt tremendously, but you have to respect yourself.
One method abusers use is to revicitmize the vicitm by including the naive commmunity in on joining him in order to do so.
It is best to leave abusive relationships in the past.
Read below:
Stalkers and the Borderline Personality
The Borderline Personality
In recent years psychologists have learned about and done case studies on a new personality disorder which the DSM-III-R classifies as an Axis II disorder- the Borderline Personality . This classification includes such personality disorders as the Anti-social Personality, the Histrionic Personality and the Narcissistic Personality. Several psychologists (including myself) diagonosed my stalker as afflicted with the Borderline Personality. Characteristic of the Borderline (derived from research done by Kreisman & Straus, 1989) are:
a shaky sense of identity
sudden, violent outbursts
oversensitivity to real or imagined rejection
brief, turbulent love affairs
frequent periods of intense depression
eating disorders, drug abuse, and other self-destructive tendencies
an irrational fear of abandonment and an inability to be alone
Not much research has been done on the Borderline Personality, and for many years it was difficult to diagnose- and to treat. A Borderline often feels as though his/her life is marked with a distinctive emptiness; a void in which a relationship often acts to fill. Many times the Borderline is a victim of an early dysfunctional family situation and/or emotional/physical abuse by those he/she trusted early on in childhood.
The Borderline is psychotic , in the original, psychological meaning of the term: he/she is not in control and not in touch with reality. To the Borderline, a softly spoken word of advice can be construed as a threat on his/her emotional stability. An outsider's viewpoint that the Borderline is not in touch with reality often ends in a bitter and irrational dissassociation from the outsider on the part of the Borderline. Often, the Borderline ends up very much alone and victim to his/her disillusions.
The Borderline stalker is very apt to see his/her actions as perfectly justified; he/she has paranoid disillusions which support these-often with disturbing frequency. The Borderline often has brief love affairs which end abruptly, turbulently and leave the Borderline with enhanced feelings of self-hatred, self-doubt and a fear that is not often experienced by rational people. When the Borderline's relationships turn sour, the Borderline often begins to, at first, harass the estranged partner with unnecessary apologies and/or apologetic behavior (i.e. letters of apology 'from the heart', flowers delivered at one's place of employment, early morning weeping phonecalls, etc.). However, the Borderline does not construe his/her behavior as harassment- to the Borderline he/she is being 'responsible' for his/her past behaviors.
The next phase of the Borderline Personality develops relatively quickly and soon he/she feels suddenly betrayed, hurt, etc. and seeks to victimize the estranged partner in any way he/she can. Strangely enough, this deleterious behavior is always coupled with a need to be near or in constant contact with the estranged partner . While sending threats to the estranged partner, it is very common for the Borderline to begin to stalk his/her estranged partner in an effort to maintain contact. This effort is motivated by the excruciating fear that the Borderline will end up alone and anger that [the estranged partner] has put him/her in this position. We are finding, in many cases, that a great deal of stalking behavior is associated with Borderline or related personality disorders. Earlier research did not incorporate the Borderline Personality in stalking profiles; research now is beginning to focus on the Borderline in such disorders as Erotomania, etc.
IF I have understood the question correctly, it sounds as if the abuser (in this case a woman) may be trying to provoke her male partner into attacking her physically. If this is the case, DON'T fall for it. DON'T get into a rage; just walk out. What she is doing sounds like calculated trickery based on the knowledge that for many people the key image of domestic violence is that of a man beating up his female partner. Although professionals, such as social workers and judges may be theoretically aware that there are many forms of emotional abuse, many have real problems getting to grips with the concept. Consider, too, that if your abuser can 'turn the tables' on you and make you appear the abuser, she will feel morally as high as high can be.
IF I've understood the situation correctly, and it's quite possible that I haven't, and IF your partner is succeeding in sending you into a monumental rage, then arguably you are two consenting adults playing a very dangerous game of 'abuse me'. (I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but something in the relationship seems odd over and above the abuse. On the face of it, you seem to be claiming the right to rage on the grounds that the abuse is so painful. Get out before something worse happens.
Abusers are fighters and controllers and they want that control back. They are miserable and spineless people and there is one thing they can't handle "peace in a relationship." If we need to put a label to this, abusers need psychological help, but since they refuse to admit there is anything wrong with themselves and it's everyone else's problem, then they rarely go for any treatment. He doesn't want you as his wife or best friend or even forgiveness, he wants to get back to the abusive behavior. Please leave and don't look back. IT WILL NOT GET BETTER! Because of the "Cycle of Abuse" please see the Abused Women's Center as there are excellent programs there for you to get back on your feet and tools to learn so you don't go back to your abuser or pick another abusive partner. Abusers brain-wash their victims. Good luck hon Merry Christmas Marcy Abusive husbands can be jealous of the current situation. Because he is now divorced and you are moving on, he needs someone to control and since you have taken that away, he is mad. He may feel you are still a part of him even though divorced and perhaps he does not want to move on and put the past behind him.
Is it correct to say in my mind?
er...yeah. why wouldn't it be?!
... it depends on what you mean. If you want to tell a loved one that you have been thinking about them, then "you've been on my mind" is preferable. But if you want to tell someone you are sane, then saying that you are in your right mind is preferable. :) If you want to talk about thoughts, pondering something in my mind works as well...
Where can you seek professional help in Newfoundland?
Here is some great places to seek help: Be sure that you pick a good trusted friend or family member to help you make this move. DO NOT PHONE THESE CENTRES FROM HOME OR DELETE ALL MESSAGES OFF YOUR COMPUTER! Secretly pack everything that is important to you because you will probably not be able to go back or the abuse will only get worse and you may never have another chance to make a run for it. However, legal council will help you with a lot of the problems regarding your home, children, and possessions. SHELTERS: CARA HOUSE Gander, NF 709-256-9306 Crisis Line 709-256-7077 CORNER BROOK TANSITION HOUSE Cornerbrook, NF 709-634-8815 CRICIS LINE 709-634-4198 IRIS KIRBY HOUSE - St. John's, NF 709-722-8272 CRISIS LINE 709-753-1492 GRACE SPARKES HOUSE = Marystown, NF 709-279-3560 CRISIS LINE 709-279-3562 NAOMI CENTRE - 4 Patrick St. St. Johns, NF 709-579-8641 CRISIS LINE 709-579-7096 SEXUAL ASSAULT CENTRES: NF & LAB. SEXUAL ASSAULT CRISIS/PREVENTION CENTRE St. Johns, NF 709-738-2700 CRISIS LINE: 709-738-2775 WOMEN'S CENTRES: GATEWAY WOMEN'S CENTRE= Port aux Basques, NF - 709-695-7505 BAY ST. GEORGE = Stephenville, NF 709-643-4444 CORNER BROOK WOMEN'S CENTRE = Corner Brook, NF 709-639-8522 GANDER WOMEN'S CENTRE - Gander, NF 709-256-4395 ST. JOHN'S WOMEN'S CENTRE - 83 Military Rd. St. Johns, NF 709-753-0220 VICTIM'S SERVICES: Victim Services: Provincial Headquarters/Dept. of Justice P.O. Box 8700 315 Duckworth Street St. John's NF A1B 4J6 (709-729-0900) Victim Services: Carbonear (709) 945-3019 Clarenville (709) 466-5808 Corner Brook (709) 637-2614 Gander (709) 256-1028 Gander FAlls-Windsor (709) 292-4544 Port Saunders (709) 861-2147 Stephenville (709) 643-6588 MENTAL HEALTH Mental Mental - Toll-free Crisis Line: 1-888-737-4668 Good luck God Bless Marcy
Can abuse start after 3 years and if only two or three small symptoms are there is it abuse?
YES a few symptoms is just the start it will only get much much worse
Is there a chat room for women in abusive relationships?
See links for resources for battered and abused women.
What can the government do to stop domestic violence?
The true answer is nothing. Regardless of what the government does, there will still be violent partners that abuse their boyfriends, girlfriends, wives, and husbands.
The government will attempt to say that stiffening penalties for those charged and convicted with Domestic Violence will stop it. However, this many simply reduce the rate at which people commit this offense. It'll never stop it.
Leave !!! And then see how fast he realizes how he has affected you !! Don't wait around for him to understand !! You deserve better -- No Excuse For Abuse !!
Why do they get mad at you for no reason?
this question does not give enough information for a proper answer. who ever wrote this question please revise it.
You are completely correct in what you say, but, it has to come from the person and you can't make them change, they have to want to change. Some people are just laid-back and perhaps it's not as bad as you may think it is, or this person has had a lifetime of having someone control their lives and they don't want to have to take any responsibility for decision-making in their relationship. If they are afraid they only have to go to Mental Health to find Abused Women's Centers. If this person is not physically abused, but mentally abused then they really may not feel that upset over it all. Stronger women sometimes don't understand women that allow this behavior from their mates and it annoys them. We simply aren't all the same. No, mental abuse is not right. I have a girlfriend who takes a lot of verbal abuse from her husband and I must say, there are times when I want to shake her and ask her what is wrong with her. Her husband believe it or not is a kind guy with others, but not her. I came to realize that she actually enjoyed the "mind games" and one night when she and her husband came over to play cards with us the mental abuse was so bad it was beginning to ruin the evening. I waited to see what my friend would do and realized right then and there that she loved to act like the wounded sparrow and was waiting for my husband and I to say something. No way! We kept out of it. However, I did tell them eventually that I wasn't spending my evenings listening and watching this behavior and when they got it right they were welcome to come back into our home. We keep in touch by phone, but not much has changed so my girlfriend comes over on her own or her hubby will drop in for a visit and I like it like that! You are a good friend, but the best thing to do is keep out of it. If you don't you'll end up being the one blamed for any split-up that could occur. Either accept your friend for the way she is, or if it's too painful to watch what she is doing to her life then move on. Good luck Marcy
Thanks so much Marcy. I have finally come to realise that He will not ever empathsize with me. I have no other choice but to let him go. It hurts like hell but what I finally see is that if hes in my life, I will ALWAYS be in pain. He rejects me, belittles me, plays major head games and has become physically abusive. This is not natural to have this pain in my life. Just when he admits to his behaviour, he will try a different tactic. I cannot do it anymore. I also see now that I cannot make him think of me in a certain way or help him to see the light. All he wants is control.I am 35 years old, good looking, alot of men like me not too brag..lol..but I have a great personality. Hes 50. I don't know what has changed in me but I feel I will enver meet another man I love again. I love this man so much. BUT the misery outwieghs it all. I am done with himThanks again.
I'm posting again on top in hopes you will see this message.
The reason you can't figure him out is because abusers are so screwed-up in their own minds it's like being in a 3-ring circus with them ... you CAN'T figure them out and who cares! They are cruel, miserable and just plain mean to the bone and it doesn't matter at this point how he got to be this way (he was like this before you met him!) YOU move on and let him figure himself out. My first husband was a mental/physical abuser and even when I moved into my own apartment he would phone or sneak into the apartment building and bang on my door. I went right down to the Apartment Managers Office and told him to "do his job" and not let just anyone off the sidewalk walk into the building. I explained the situation I was in. Thankfully he was more alert as to who was sneaking into the building. I refused to answer my ex's phone calls (long before call display) and if I picked up the phone and heard his voice I'd just hang up. Of course it enraged him, but the more I stayed alone in my apartment and the more I was out working and around other people I just got plain angry at him and refused to let him control my life! The last time he called I told him I had reported him to the police and that if he ever called me again he'd be seeing me in court. He didn't hang around long enough to figure out if the law would permit this on the flimsy grounds I had against him.
It appears you still need approval from him. You are frightened and I can understand that. You still feel you can't quite let him go just in case you need to reply on him or just one more time see if you are doing something right in his eyes. You have to be honest within yourself and realize that he's instilled this need in you. You are quite capable of making it out there in life although it may be a little tougher because you won't have as much money and you'll be counting on yourself. It seems frightening to think that one is forced out into the world and (especially the average woman) and make enough money to support herself. It doesn't matter if you live in low-rental housing for now, as long as you become more independent and it gives you an opportunity to better yourself in order for you to get a good job and support yourself. When you meet a nice guy further down the road you should still retain your independence. You MUST disconnect all ties with this man or you'll never move on.
I am so very proud of the fact you are going to a therapist. The therapist will give you the opportunity to let out all the anger and rage you have been harboring for a very long time, plus give you tools to strengthen your character and become more independent. I know you feel it's a painful and long process, but it won't take long for you to get the message that you did nothing wrong and that your mate should be seeing a therapist! Of course he never will. When you meet that nice guy in the future you'll snap back just fine and have a good life.
I want you to realize that you are doing something to improve upon yourself and you will do very well in the future, but your mate is doomed! He will never be anything more than he is. A bully, useless, has a yellow streak up his back a mile wide (picks on women) and will NEVER know the peace of a truly good relationship. Once you leave him he's forced to go onto another relationship and he'll start pulling off the same old habits with the next woman in his life. One day he's going to meet his match! I'd love to be a fly on the wall! LOL
You are doing everything right, but PLEASE, cut all ties of communication off now!
I wish you the very best of luck and I know you're heading for a great future.
AnswerBe sure your mate is abusive first. Perhaps you talk about problems a little too much instead of making a good solid statement about a problem and asking for his advice. Once he has given you advice either take it or leave it, but you are really in control of the decisions you must make to resolve problems in your life (we all do.) If's he's just plain abusive then you know he doesn't have an understanding bone in his body and it's best to discuss your problem(s) with a good friend.Abusers seem to blame their victims for everything and anything and most of the time the victim has done nothing wrong. The abuser wants to control their victim by playing mind-games and telling them one thing and contradicting what they just said in the next breath. Abusers are vindictive, arrogant, selfish, and complete controllers. They know they can't get away with this behavior out in the public (at work) so they take it out on their spouse behind closed doors.
It's obvious you can't communicate with him so you are going to have to take some time to yourself and figure out if you want to live with this person. It's unlikely you won't be very fulfilled with him and things will get worse. Don't be afraid to free yourself and fly because there is a good future out there for you.
Good luck
Hi Marcy:
Thanks. He ended the relationship last night. He said he doesn't want to be friends. then to be friends. I am so confused and my spirit is crushed. He told me he don't wanna be friends cause all i talk about is the relationship. He wont even give me a chance. Its normal to wanna discuss this as it just happened. He also put me through hell and I allowed the physical abuse. He told me I'm crazy and need counselling. He then proceeded to try and choke me. He then held me down. He then called me names. He then dumps me then comes back admits he playing games and doesn't mean a word. So of course I would want to make sense of this. He said its my fault.
AnswerHi honThis guy is a plain no good abuser! You have known it for quite sometime. Abusers play mind-games to control their victims. They know that their victim can feel fear of abandonment and also the abuser had made sure to brainwash his victim (YOU!) You did nothing wrong!!!! When people have problems in their relationship it is healthy to communicate and want to talk about it. You are right and he's wrong!
NO ONE should hold you on the ground and try choking you and then come back as if nothing happened. The next time you may not be so lucky. It's time hon for you to make a plan, find a friend that can help, and leave this guy. There are Abused Women's Centers and if you can't find one then phone your Mental Health and they will give you that information. You need to find a "safe place" from this lunatic. Yes, that's right ... he's a lunatic and he's going to hurt you a lot more if you don't get out of this relationship.
Trust me I say that once you leave him, get some counseling and back on your feet you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner. This experience will only end up making you a much more independent and stronger young woman. Go for it girl and fly for the stars! I did!
Good luck hon
Thanks Marcy. I appreciate your insight. I am just getting back to feeling normal. He made me think I'm nuts. He even said he thinks I record our phone calls. I just am struggling by the hour to get my clear mind back. I cry then feel numb. I saw a counsellor today she said hes trying to make me think I'm crazy. She said I'm not at all nuts and I'm seeing him for the abuser he is. She said hes trying to brainwash me and this latest dumping happened right after (day after) I decorated my house and he sounded mad and refused to see it EVER!! He has a way of ruining every good thing that comes my way. He says I'm weird. I have nightmares when he put his hands around my neck. And he says I'm weird!!! I know I am just at the point that either I go ahead and get back to myself or go back to him with a life of misery. There is no in between anymore. Hes bent on destroying me for some reason I cannot figure out. He said we cannot see one another cause he thinks I like him too much and hes afraid we will have sex. Yet then he plays all these games and admits it later. My mind spins.But the good news is that as each hour goes by I'm getting more free and clear and in time this will be a distant memory. I am doing the right things. I just hope and pray I'm strong enough to not answer the door when he comes around as he will. I think he enjoys this torture.
AnswerIt may be that they're a control freak and are being defensive. Control freaks like to pretend that things are fine and perfect and often don't like to have things pointed out to them that show up problems, things that are wrong or make them feel inadequate. They will often push away people who tell them things they don't want to hear.Control freaks can often regard people talking about their problems as a form of emotional blackmail, and will react as though they are being pressured. A control freak's characteristics are usually that of a very giving, very patronising person who is quite guarded about their own feelings and doesn't believe in talking about things. They will often belittle because they feel intimidated or feel a need to downplay the issue through any excuse and will often pick on a person's faults in order to do so.
the meaning of buddy is a pal you can rarely hang with. usually you hang with buddys when your friends arent there because a buddys like a pal, like a "third wheel".
in AOL the "buddy list" contains your friends e-mail addresses
Just as with any self-help book, there may be parts that do not work for your situation. You take what wisdom you can from it, and determine what you will do with your life. If you have determined you are in an abusive situation, then you should get help from a third party to sort out your options. As you recognize that you have been emotionally abused, you may want to follow that person's advice without second thoughts until you are safe.
A victim can read all the books they want and go on all the websites they want, but the bottom line is, they have to have courage enough and be mad enough to want to leave their abuser. They must plan when to leave (usually when he is at work) and go to an Abused Women's Center or, Mental Health and they will help out. The victim will be sent to a "safe house."
There is NO MIDDLE GROUND! You stay and take it, or you plan your escape and leave and seek help.
Marcy
Unless the book is written by someone that has been abused and survived and become independent, (they could co-write with a professional such as a psychologist or psychiatrist or just on their own steam) then put the book back on the shelf! Psychologists/Psychiatrists may write books on many things, but I always go for the books where the person has experienced the abuse problem and lets us "walk in their shoes" and I trust their knowledge more. Psychiatry has it's place, but it's not a proven science. In fact, Psychiatry is just many professional's opinions. You get a more in depth idea of what signs to look for, how the person felt and somehow you feel connected to this person. In the same mind-set you also admire the person for having the fortitude to move away from this abusive relationship so it boils down to healthy reading and good guidance.
There are many abuse programs you can attend and all you have to do is call your local Mental Health or Women's Abuse Centers in your area.
A victim of abuse is just surviving the best she can so it's tough to concentrate to find out how to get out of the web of deceit and manipulation from the abuser be it mental or physical abuse. The victim needs guidance from these programs. Many of the people that lead these programs have been abused victims at one time so they know exactly where abused women are coming from and how to get out of a bad abusive relationship.
Once the victim gets counseling from these programs they begin to calm down and have a chance to think things out for the first time in a long while. Abused victims are not stupid, ignorant, a lower species of the human race or weak individuals. In fact, they are simply women wanting to stay alive and reaching for a better life and that takes strength! Now all they have to do is take that strength and fight for what they really want and leave their abuser.
It is very important abused women learn the signs of abuse (any of us can miss those signs when we fall in love with someone)and it's important for them to realize that not all men are bad. There are some good guys out there and Abused Women's Center don't aim at making abused women into man haters.
I volunteer for a Women's Abuse Center and I admire many of the women there. Some get jobs and do very well, well some want to stay home and raise their children, but all strive for peace, independence and the knowledge they are survivors (be proud of it) and have gained even more strength then they use to have before.
Good luck Marcy
she would do this because she isn't sure what she wants but surprising a girl at her house after she said she needs to think about the relationship is never a good idea
Why do people choose to be aggressive?
There are many reasons people are aggressive. Some grow up with parents who are aggressive and their behavior mimics what they grew up with. Others have a lot of anger. Still others feel more powerful and in control when they are aggressive.
Why is it hard to leave someone even when you don't love them and you're not scared of them?
Apathy? Fear of change? The need for security?
Because they wear you down with self doubt. They work on you so bad to keep you that once you don't love them and have had enough the self doubt keeps you there. Its almost like they have a radar detector to know when you have had enough and no hope is left with them.That's when they turn on the charm. That's when its you that's being blamed in subtle ways. That's when they have the most human feelings such as fear.But beware, this is short lived and soon they return to their nasty selves once they feel more assured you will stick around.It took me a year of not loving my ex until i left. It was years before that of hell. The mental exhaustion kept me there as well as I felt too tired to look beyond the day. I was in mere survival mode.Do not be hard on yourself that you have not left yet. See this as a time to agther your inner and outer resources and strength.Start taking steps to leave. Know that you have so much more inner power and pride that is just hidden from all the abuse.Let who you are come to the surface. You have what it takes to get out and stay out. If I did, you can too!Best Wishes. PS: I love waking up in the morning as I think wow I look and feel great and no person will ever take my pride and self respect from me again. Some days it has been just sheer pride and stubborness that has kept me away but as time goes on I relaise it is also largely a new self love for myself and life. Good Luck
Yes, it is common.
Abusers, and especially narcissistic or psychopathic abusers, maintain a few simultaneous relationships and are serial monogamists or polygamists.
My ex abusive boyfriend had a new girl within two weeks. He also was seeking new relationships while we were together. Don't be alarmed.
It hurt me alot that I didn't mean enough for him to mourn my loss. I suspect that pain is somewhere behind your question too.
What were Mark Stenwyck's outcomes during and after the end of Reviving Ophelia on Lifetime?
The outcomes for Mark Stenwyck during and after the end of the Lifetime movie Reviving Ophelia:
- His mom's not coming back (because of his dad's abuse)
- He can't live with his dad anymore (meaning his bedroom will be emptied)
- His grandparents are too old to raise him
- Lost both of his girlfriends to other guys (because of copying his dad's abuse, and stalking also)
- His car has been sold to someone else (after he got arrested for violating the protection order)
- Expelled from school (for attempted murder-suicide on his ex and self)
- Banned from the graduation ceremony
- His school locker will be emptied
- Jail is his last home (meaning he'll get r*ped in prison or something)
- Currently a lonely homeless orphan incarcerated
- The judge will sentence him to 20+ years in prison for violating the protection order and conspiracy to commit first-degree murder
- His new friends in jail will be inmates
- He'll never get married and have children
- His phone will be sold and his number will also be deleted by his two exes
- His family and friends will disown him
- The judge will also ban him from dating for a lifetime
- He'll face torturous life
- etc.
The moral is for Mark; a dysfunctional abusive home can screw up your life.
The moral is for Elizabeth; do not on any circumstances invite a new person into your life, because they'll sometimes mask an evil side and have a dark secret from their past.
