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Abusive Relationships and Domestic Violence
An abusive relationship is a relationship in which a person is victim to the use or threat of being physically or psychologically abused. Here you can ask questions about abusive relationships such as how to spot it, and how to get yourself or others help.
3,885 Questions
How can you get a cheap divorce from an abusive husband?
You should arrange a consultation with an attorney and ask about the possibility of your husband being required to pay your legal costs if you can prove he is abusive. Ask friends, co-workers, relatives, neighbors, etc., if any have heard of any lawyers who did a good job representing clients in your position.
Also, many larger cities have programs where you can get an attorney to help you for free if you can show need - which is most likely you can in this type of situation. In addition, there is assistance at shelters for abused/battered women and a person can always contact one of these types of shelters and they can direct you to an attorney that can help you. Look up the phone number for the state bar in the state where you live. You can google something like "state bar of name of your state" and call or email them. They can provide you with information for "pro bono" attorneys (attorneys that do work for free). There are lots of options out there so don't give up and don't stay with someone who is abusive to you. Life is too short for that and no one deserves to live like that.
Why does your partner always play the victim?
Hi again C
Glad to hear from you. Aha! A career orientated woman. Good for you!
Love can be really simple between two adults (if you meet the right person) honesty, loyalty, COMMUNICATION and respect. My husband and I have worked hard to have all those things and we can slide off the end every so often, but for the most part we do very well. I NEVER accept lies or dishonesty and when I was dating if I caught a guy lying to me I kicked him to the curb! There are no excuses for this behavior. If you have nothing to hide then why lie?
Karma has nothing to do with it. I believe in destiny! Look back on your life and see where you have been and also see the up-side of your life because of it. Sometimes we have to go down some bumpy roads to get to where we should be and this is one bumpy road you are going down. Once you dump this lagger you'll be free to work on your career and meet someone else because I believe there is someone else. You sound like a smart gal, so go for a guy that isn't arrogant (not all Aussies are) or, you may even meet a Canadian, American, Englishman, etc. Wouldn't that just get your neighbours buzzing! LOL Because you are so grounded I think you need a man that is loving, kind, loyal and intellectually stimulating. That's what I went for. I have a vast thirst for knowledge and so does my husband so we can get into all sorts of discussions without arguing. I love it!
I heard this quote once and I typed it out and stuck it on my fridge "Unless you can forgive the person that hurt you they still control you!" I totally agree with this, so, when you give this bugger the boot, forgive him (he is blind in life, thus he doesn't know what he's doing!) You do have bats there don't you? You know they hang from there feet and sleep during the day, come out at night and tick everyone off! LOL Don't let ANYONE destroy your trust in men in general because not all men are bad. When I left my first husband that is one promise I made to myself and thank heavens I did or I wouldn't have met my wonderful husband.
Actually you are right about the tropics. I studied many different countries and found to my amazement that hot climates aroused the sexual prowess in people more than cooler climates. Move! LOL I think some Aussie men are just plain frank about what they are and there are duds in every country.
This drongo isn't BSing you at all. He really believes what he is and what he is saying. He's a manipulator and a mental abuser. You bet you've stepped on his ego and he now realizes he has a tiger by the tail. As we also get older we are less likely to take the crap that some men can hand out (don't forget, women can do this to men as well.) If you have the least doubt about whether to kick this guy to the curb, look at him and think about the fact you could be living with "it!" LOL
"C" life is too short to stick with this guy. Why don't you try some reputable dating services? I hear good things about a lot of them. The people are screened well and every protection is taken and they'll match your personality up to someone best suited for you. The older we get the harder it is to meet nice guys because after the age of 25 we never know if a guy is married or living with someone.
I sure wish you the best of luck and you go for it girl! Please keep in touch and let me know what's up. I think before the end of this year you're going to meet someone that is better suited to you. Scan your horizons girl!
Marcy
Hey Marcy
Thanks for your words of encouragement. It can be down right soul destroying, especially when you know they're not being truthful to you. I cant stand it when I am hitting my head against a brick wall to get hte truth....I don't know how they sleep at night. I was told karma would come back on me - I haven't done anything wrong. I think I will have a real trust problem from now on. Yes you are totally correct. Aussie men are really bad for that. I do know some really nice ones and shouldn't blanket them like that BUT....The majority of them don't really know how to switch on the charm and treat a woman how she should be treated - and that is with respect. I sometimes think it's the tropics that gets to them. Actually I think it is Aussies in general. I don't understand their thinking. And what gets me is what makes them think they are so special to think they are gods gift to women.... The male race can be so simple.................. He's now been saying I just can't bare to see you with someone else. I think I have hurt his pride and I don't think anyone else has stood up to him before. The poor old ego has been ruined.......................... All I want to do now is make some money, be a career woman and be successful somthing this drongo wont probably ever do. Thanks.
AnswerHi there CAustralian! You hit the right lady because I have a brother-in-law who is from Sydney, Australia, and also a lot of friends over there. I can well imagine what you are going through. A high percentage of Australian men have gotten a reputation for going off into corners "with their mates" and swilling back several pints while the women are left to their own endeavors (my sister-in-law told me all about it. LOL) I know where Cairns is as well. To heck with whatever others think, and you sound like a smart gal that won't take a lot of pushing around anyway.
When my brother-in-law first came to Canada to live we had them over often. On his first two visits when I would ask him a question he would ignore me and give the answer to my husband! Right then and there I saw a lot of Aussie arrogance and his wife (my sister-in-law told me "you haven't seen nothin' yet!) Well, he never got a chance to do it again because I told him straight out he was in our home and when I asked him a question he'd better look at ME when he gives his answer. Since then we have been great friends, but every so often you can see that Aussie thinking come out in him and especially around his wife.
NO! You don't need medication. This guy is brain-washing you! Abusers have a tendency to do that and he is, by all rights, a mental abuser. He has you so spun around you don't know if you're "down under" or up the other side. Listen to your wise PI friend and go with your gut feeling because it's not wrong!!!! By now you should know some Aussie men are well noted for landing on their feet like cats. LOL Kick this bugger to the ditch!
I realize that there are times you are so lonely (I went through that after I left my first husband) but don't ever let yourself down by putting up with abusive behavior because of loneliness. You are one smart gal and you already know deep down this guy is not for you and all he's done to you is drained and exhausted you to a nub. Love is about someone making you feel special and good about yourself and also when you can't hardly wait to see the guy again. You and I both know this is not the case with your relationship.
Go for it girl and kick his Aussie hide back to the pub!
Good luck (let me know how things turn out for you) Marcy
Hi there
Thanks for letting me in on your private life. Now I'm getting the "lay of the land." I had similar experiences, but reversed as to your situation.
Don't blame yourself so much. How can we know someone 100% when we don't even know ourselves that much. Not just women, but men can often get treated shabbily by a partner and put up with it for a while. Why we do this is anyone's guess, but I put it down to loneliness and not paying attention to the signals that are like a red light going off. This guy is self absorbed, egotistical and a jerk! Go to any bar and you'll spot several of these jerks. I would say this guy is mentally unstable because he would burst into tears so easily and have the gall to tell you you're imagining things. Generally men hate to have anyone see them cry. You should be proud of yourself for walking away from him and moving on. It takes guts to walk away. There are thousands of women out there that are so lonely or so confused that they will stay in an abusive relationship such as this. You didn't, so give yourself some credit! Life is simply a learning ground and if we don't experience some pain and perhaps embarrassment then how will we ever learn a thing. Consider this a lesson in life.
I got married at 21 (many moons ago) and discovered not only was my husband cheating on me, but he was verbally abusive which led to physical abuse. If you knew me you'd realize that I would never accept physical abuse, so I nailed his butt with a Teflon frying pan and he never laid another hand on me, but the threat was always there and living with him was like walking on thin ice. He continued to cheat and I don't have any idea why I put up with it for 3 1/2 years. His brothers really liked me and they had a chat with me and were totally disgusted with the way he was treating me and advised me to leave him because it wasn't going to get any better. It gave me the courage one day to kick my husband's butt out the door and I moved out, got my own place, changed jobs, and found new friends. I left my past behind me. I've never regretted that decision, but I too was angry that I had put up with so much from him and he stole 3 1/2 years of my life. Then when I calmed down I realized I only had myself to blame and I could either learn from the experience and move on, or I could continue to beat myself up. I chose to learn from it.
Divorced women really have a rough time out in the dating circuit and I'd heard from other men talking that some men feel that a divorced woman is "sex starved" to "she's an easy mark because she's gotta have it." It sickened me and infuriated me. I was fairly careful of who I dated, but the odd guy would sneak past my radar. On a couple of occasions the guy I went out with would stand at my door at the end of the evening and of course want to come in. I refused because I didn't know them well enough and I lived on my own. I couldn't believe my ears when I heard "I just spent a bundle on you for dinner and dancing, so you owe me!" Excuse me? Thank heavens I was wise and smart enough by then, to get my wallet out and throw my half of the dinner bill at him and tell him to hit the bricks! LOL The looks on their faces was payment enough.
I have since remarried to a wonderful man (much like your first husband) and we were obviously physically attracted to each other, but we were friends first and then lovers. Made a huge difference. We have now been happily married for 34 years and I think the world of him and he's a real sweetie with me and I have no complaints. I always thought I would be a very edgy person regarding trusting another man in my life because of my first husband, but, there was just something about my 2nd husband that I knew for sure he would never cheat on me. He never has.
Be proud of yourself for dumping this jerk. I know sometimes you must feel lonely and wonder if there is anyone out there for you, but there is. You sure know now what you don't want. I live in Canada and we have some great dating services here (legitimate ones) with good protection and screening. Many people are using it because it's too hard to find a good partner these days.
Good luck Marcy
Could you please post below me and explain your situation a little more.
Thanks Marcy
He always says the women are always paying him the attention but he is the worst flirt imaginable and leads women on. I know he has cheated on me but when confronted gets very wild and then says I cant help it if they always pay me the attention. He denies everything I ask him and gets angry at times and starts the tears. I have just reently moved out but I am angry for allowing my self to put up with the agony and frustration of having a dishonest partner who cant be truthful. You know in your heart and gut when someone isn't being honest. There were a couple of times he came home and couldn't look me straight in the eye. He would always turn our conversations and say I was the one with all the problems in my head and I was imagining things.
I was married for 18 years and only divorced but, am the best of friends with my ex and never once in those 18 yrs did I have an ounce of mistrust or ever question him about anything.
- Thanks marcy. It's sole destroying but anyway onwards and upwards. They try to win you back. But the behaviour is just abnormal. He thinks he is gods gift to women and unfortunately Cairns in Australia where I live is quite small and a reputation like this you just cant have, shouldn't want anyway. Always been good at covering up. I know when I am being had and as a PI friend of mine said if you have a gut feeling go with it. I was always told my gut feeling is wrong even though I knew it wasn't. Do you think it possible people can change. I went and saw my doctor as my partner told me I needed to go on medication. Of course my doctor said I don't need it even though I thought I did.
Thanks C
If you are constantly going at her about it, yes it's a light form of abuse. You can't make someone say or do something you want them too. What if she did apologize? It wouldn't have come from the heart on her own accord, but basically she may apologize just to get you off her back. Then what have you won? Nothing! People apologize when they mean it! If she isn't sorry for what she has done, then she simply doesn't feel she owes you an apology. I don't know what she did to you, but be sure you have all the facts. If you do, now you know that she has no remorse so you have a choice of being with her under these circumstances or moving on. Marcy
oh yes..narcissisrts are mean..they use gifts etc as an excuse to say"look how good i am to you'then complain!
They are takers..not true givers..everything is'conditional"so to speak..they hoard money,possesions(including people)they are sad'materialists'seeing their partners as mere objects as are possesions.......in my experience..they give because they want something back,or to impress anyway.
BUT of course someone self-centred is generous only with themselves..and mean both materially and emotionally to others,basically spoiled childrem,all take and not much'give"
How do you live in a house where you have to see others being emotionally abused by their loved one?
It is tough, to turn a blind eye and to feel helpless and humiliated by your helplessness.
Offer support to the victims and measured resistance to the abuser and his abuse (without endangering yourself).
See these:
http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/abuse.html
http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/abusefamily.html
Will your next girlfriend be a psychopath?
Given the small proportion of clinically diagnosable psychopaths to relatively mentally healthy females in any given population, the odds are 'no'. However, if your dating pool is composed of inmates at any particular asylum the chances are likely greater.
How does a narcissist react to physical pain?
Narcissist's react to pain as if it consumes their life and everyone must be aware of their pain and adhere to their every beck and call. Usually they try to recify their reaction to pain by trying to over exagerate their illness or make it sound worst than it acually is. I live with one and someone who does not know him like I do would think that he is on death's door sometimes. This man is a Christian but he uses so many pain killers sometimes I question his faith.
It sounds like you at least aren't living together from your quote "he yells at me all the time and then hangs up." You have low self esteem and you need to seek professional counseling to up your self esteem and find out why you feel so little of yourself to take this type of abuse. We all carry garbage behind our butts whether we are rich, poor, black, brown or white. If you don't seek out counseling and find out why you choose this type of mate, then you will continue to find one dud after the other. You should be proud of who you are, and if you give respect, then expect it back. You should be treated with love and kindness, and not yelling and phone calls where he hangs up on you. Sometime in our lives we all need to know who we are and what we are made up of. It's surprising how we find out just how strong we can be at times. Good luck Marcy
Why is Hadley P Jackson An Ambient Stealth Abuser?
It depends on how long hes been doing it how concience he is about it .He has motive from the very get go and until you see he is a predator you will be tormented until you leave or he dumps you for standing your ground, if those things don't happen usually the physical abuse ensues shortly after that. If the honey moon phase is over, think long and hard about this jerk. He will NEVER change and doesn't accept change in his world. He may even start picking on you about your clothes, embarrassing you in front of friends and family and laughing it off as a joke (HES SERIOUS). Its a tactic to lower your self esteem. He will always think its the other persons fault for any dissatisfaction in his life ,its not about you its "ALL" about him. He could careless about your feelings in anyway and thinks you are a joke to him,. Eventually you will lose all self worth He is a master of this type of destruction towards women and sees nothing but his own personal gain. Is he careless, reckless, wont ever take your advise, asks others opinions after he has asked for yours in any given scenario? If so, its only the tip of the ice berg for you and this stealth scum .His hate for women and the very lack of control in his own life. is what drives him to have a sad needy way to control others. Run Like Hell !!!
How do you stop accepting the 'nice' him after he has emotionally torn you apart?
By remembering the bad times when he emotionally tore you apart.
People just don't change over-night so I believe your inner feelings are sending off red flags. I would listen to that inner self. If he emotionally tore you apart, then I don't really feel this is a good basis for a good relationship. It is obviouse he is trying, but you can't change people to suit your own needs.
Be your own person and go out and find that special someone that you feel comfy with, that makes you feel good and thus, you want to make them feel good. A good relationship means you should feel you can go to your mate with any problem and know they will be there 100%. Also, no game playing! Good luck (give yourself a chance).
Should Narcissistic People be Arrested for Abuse?
Whether narcissistic or not any person that is PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE should be arrested and this includes abusive women as well. Mental abuse is hard to prove.
Why is my wife verbally abusive constantly critisizing me and everyone else?
* Depression * Some medications can cause mood swings so if she's on medications look up the side effects on the Internet. * Peri menopause (just before a woman ceases to have her period and this can occur in mid-30's up.) Hormones are jumping all over the place. * Menopause can affect women as young as their mid-30's onward and this is time when their periods cease. They suffer from night sweats, depression, mood swings and crying spells. They can also be quick to anger. If this could be the cause then she should see her doctor as there are medications to help level off hormones. * She could be unhappy and feel unfulfilled in her marriage and isn't communicating with you, so it's time you sat down with her and asked her why she feels the way she does. * Certain diseases can cause mood swings. * Neurological problems. (rare.) * Women in their 50's can also have the start of Dementia (Alzheimer's) so your wife should get a good physical.
What are the consequences of a socipath for hurting other people and walking away?
Sociopaths have no consequences. They have no real emotion or regret for their actions. They are detached from their own soul. The only consequence that keeps reoccurring is the fact that they are abandoned by anyone who is patient enough to put up with their manipulative tactics. They are lost hopeless souls.
When was Campaign Against Domestic Violence created?
Campaign Against Domestic Violence was created in 1991.
If he was abusive then I would suggest that you having been with him,you know best what to do in order to keep him from getting aggresive with you in a violent way.If he wants to flaunt her then compliment her and them as a couple then go about your way.You may also consider informing her that he is an abuser.You should consider yourself fortunate to have been able to get out of that relationship.His flaunting her in front of you could be a sign of a couple different things but since he was abusive I won't get into all of them but most likely he had been cheating on you.If you have any more questions feel free to contact me at mrcriss1@juno.com
How many children did Dr. Ben Spock have?
By 1929, he had married Jane Cheney and soon had two sons, Michael and John.
Would the narcissist exploit the tragedy of others to secure a new Supply Source?
Yes. I compared Narcissistic Supply to drugs because of the almost involuntary and always-unrestrained nature of the pursuit involved in securing it. The narcissist is no better or worse (morally speaking) than others. But he lacks the ability to empathise precisely because he is obsessed with the maintenance of his delicate inner balance through the (ever-increasing) consumption of Narcissistic Supply. The narcissist rates people around him according to whether they can provide him with Narcissistic Supply or not. As far as the narcissist is concerned, those who fail this simple test do not exist. They are two-dimensional cartoon figures. Their feelings, needs and fears are of no interest or importance. Potential Sources of Supply are then subjected to a meticulous examination and probing of the volume and quality of the Narcissistic Supply that they are likely to provide. The narcissist nurtures and cultivates these people. He caters to their needs, desires, and wishes. He considers their emotions. He encourages those aspects of their personality that are likely to enhance their ability to provide him with his much needed supply. In this very restricted sense, he regards and treats them as "human". This is be his way of "maintaining and servicing" his Supply Sources. Needless to say that he loses any and all interest in them and in their needs once he decides that they are no longer able to supply him with what he needs: an audience, adoration, witnessing (=memory). The same reaction is provoked by any behaviour judged by the narcissist to be narcissistically injurious. The narcissist coldly evaluates tragic circumstances. Will they allow him to extract Narcissistic Supply from people affected by the tragedy? A narcissist, for instance, will give a helping hand, console, guide, share grief, encourage another hurting person only if that person is important, powerful, has access to other important or powerful people, or to the media, has a following, etc. The same applies if helping, consoling, guiding, or encouraging that person is likely to win the narcissist applause, approval, adoration, a following, or some other kind of Narcissist Supply from on-lookers and witnesses to the interaction. The act of helping another person must be documented and thus transformed into narcissistic nourishment. Otherwise the narcissist is not concerned or interested. The narcissist has no time or energy for anything, except the next narcissistic fix, NO MATTER WHAT THE PRICE AND WHO IS TRAMPLED UPON. Based on my book "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited"
Unfortunately, there isn't an easy way. You just have to say that you need to talk about something and "is there a place to go where we won't be disturbed"? They will understand. I agree when I first learned that my child was being molested, I was devastated. However, I was so glad that she found the courage to tell me. Her predator is behind bars and we are trying to rebuild. If the parent is your abuser, talk to a relative or someone you trust. And/or simply go down to the police station and tell. I have read several books and don't claim to be an expert, but "guilt" is what keeps you from telling and what keeps you under your predator's thumb. Report it now. This can alter your life but like anything else with time, counseling and guidance you will heal. God Bless.
Is it ever right to hit a woman?
Physical assault is not acceptable regardless of gender. However, it is legal for a male or female to use force against the someone of a different gender when it pertains to a situation of self-defense. Here is more input from others: * For the love of God, no! * Absolutely not! Men shouldn't hit women and women shouldn't hit men. I know both can get on each other's nerves, but it's best to leave and cool off rather than hit the person. No it's not right nor is it right for a woman to hit a man! When you feel angry it's best to leave that environment and go for a long walk to cool off.
Who benefits by making conflict between neighbors?
A person who is disturbed, jealous of other's relationship , or bored and using the neighbors for sick entertainment.
The neighbors should do their own conflict resolution and confront the troublemaker.
