Human Behavior

Narcissists are often vindictive and they often stalk and harass. They hold grudges indefinitely.

They rarely forget a slight or an insult - real or imagined. They nurture the pain, dwell on it, magnify it, analyze it, and form conspiracy theories to explain it.

The narcissist perceives every disagreement � let alone criticism � as nothing short of a THREAT. He reacts defensively. He becomes indignant, aggressive and cold. He detaches emotionally for fear of yet another (narcissistic) injury. He devalues the person who made the disparaging remark. By holding the critic in contempt, by diminishing the stature of the discordant conversant � he minimises the impact on himself of the disagreement or criticism. Like a trapped animal, the narcissist is forever on the lookout: was this remark meant to demean him? Was this sentence a deliberate attack? Gradually, his mind turns into a chaotic battlefield of paranoia and ideas of reference until he loses touch with reality and retreats to his own world of fantasised grandiosity.

When the disagreement or criticism or disapproval or approbation are PUBLIC, though � the narcissist tends to regard them as Narcissistic Supply! Only when they are expressed in private � does the narcissist rage against them.

The cerebral narcissist is competitive and intolerant of criticism or disagreement. The subjugation and subordination of others demand the establishment of his undisputed intellectual superiority or professional authority. Alexander Lowen has an excellent exposition of this "hidden or tacit competition". The cerebral narcissist aspires to perfection. Thus, even the slightest and most inconsequential challenge to his authority is inflated by him. Hence, the disproportionateness of his reactions.

Still, it is very easy to regain the narcissist's trust and favor by providing him with narcissistic supply.

I don't think they ever forget. I knew one who completely out of context brought up a former best friend that was 5" late to a dinner meeting fifteen years ago and she spend five years trying to ruin her life as a reslut of the slight. He is still raging inside about the "incident" and likely will be forever.

I had a conversation with mum. Mum told me that sis was borrowing her coat for a while among other info. Mum tells me so much that I make a list so that i don't forget anything. When other siblings wanted to know what mum told me, I told them everything because it was just a cheery phone call of "hello, what's news". Sis was with siblings when I said, "I talked to mum and she said the mailman's wife had a baby, the neighbors cat died, her teapot broke, and sis talked to her yesterday and asked to borrow her coat." Sis got irate. She told me to quit making things up. She said she never asked to borrow mum's coat. I told sis, mum told me that, so take it up with mum. I personally didn't see anything wrong with sis borrowing the coat and didn't understand what sis thought was so objectionable. I thought they had deal and mum didn't complain at all. Sis has been borrowing mum's things for years and showing up at parties wearing mum's things and never hid it from anyone. It was not an unusual incident. The next 3 months sis called every week telling me that mum said she was missing her hat and wanted to know if I had it. I said no. Sis said, "are you sure?" I said, "I never borrowed mum's hat." The next week sis called back and said, "did you borrow mum's hat." I said "no." Then she called again, "mum is missing her hat, did you take her hat?" I said, "no". She said, "are you sure?" I said, "I do not have mum's hat." She said, "mum's hat is missing" (as if I didn't hear her the first 15 times). Then next call, same thing. She said, "mum thinks someone stole her hat. Have you seen it." I said, "no". She said, "are you sure you didn't take it when you visited last?" I said, "I don't have mum's hat, I don't wear hats, no desire for hats and no I don't have mum's hat. For 3 months, and after 50 times saying no, I finally asked, "when are you going to quit asking me if I have mum's hat." She said, "mum said it not me, so take it up with mum." I guess she thinks she got revenge. She thinks that if she uses my own words back on me, that I can't defend myself, or I'd be attacking my own actions and not hers. She didn't realize I was innocent and relaying things from a list that mum told me and had no idea that her borrowing mum's coat would put her on defense. I had no malicious intent. She did have malicious intent and got revenge on me not once, but many times during the next 3 months. I call it revenge with interest. This is just 1 example. This is ongoing with sis. I never know what I did wrong until I hear my own words repeated by to me. That's how I know she is getting revenge. I think it would have been easier when she said, "you are lying" to just say, "you're right, I lied." But who knows what kind of revenge she would have done then. This was a no win situation. She is so on the lookout for people to do her evil, that she perceives attacks where they don't exist. Due to this, I never know when she is going to twist something.

Auntie sent sister a get-well card with a letter. Sister said that auntie was accusing her of being a sickly and unhealthy person. I reminded sister that she had a cold a few weeks back. Sister said, "no this is serious, no one would send a get-well card for the common cold."

My sisters son is named Jonathan. pronounced "joe-Nathan" not "john athon" No one can remember if it's Jonathon or Jonathan. My sister also has a northern accent that the southern family don't understand all the time. Cousin Mary was writing her a letter but couldn't find the birth announcement and couldn't remember how to spell Jonathan's name. For the last 10 years my sister spelled cousin Mary's name as Marry. My sister never confronted or asked, or said, BTW this is the correct spelling. She doesn't want to clear things up, or allow for apologies. She just seems to enjoy giving a life sentence to people for small, unintentional errors.

What exactly is a grudge.

I thought a grudge was for 1 mistake in the past that a person never forgave or forget.

When I defend myself NOW for something CURRENT, such as, "honey have you seen the mustard" and he says, "I didn't eat all the mustard." and I say, "I didn't say you did, I just want to know if you have seen it, because I overlooked it." He then says, "I'm tired of you accusing me of things, like that time you accused me of patronizing you. I can't take it anymore. I never patronized you. Quit holding grudges. You are a grudge holder."

I'm confused here. I have asked him once, very nicely, 15 years ago to please quit patronizing me. He raged, so I never brought it up again. He has never forgotten it. I thought he was the one holding the grudge.

Is this an example of projection?

No, and they don't forget anything else either. So beware!

The insult they have done to others: always.

The insult others have done to them: never.

They forget promises made to you. Don't pay them in return for something they say they will do. When you ask for it, they will say you need to stop pushing them, and they don't have to do anything. They will say don't be so incrediblyselfish. Months later, when they want something, they will apologize for saying something. It will be a very vague apology..."I was stupid. I don't like for us to fight." A year later, if you bring up the fact they lied about doing something in return for money etc., and that you don't get why they did that, they will not remember it. When you say they apologized, they will act surprised. One time I asked why he remembers some conversations so well, and other so poorly. He said that his brain is like a machine, and he gets rid of what he doesn't want. He then said "Don't mess with the machine." I am used to most of his weirdness. Still, the one thing they do go for is an area that you question your own abilities at. Don't complain about someone insulting you. The Narcissist will quickly agree with that person's insult. Narcissists are usually very talented, but can't fully take advantage of it(too controlling.)

No that isn't true. I speak in behalf of my own experience. I was with a guy, he was extremely disrespectful, he lied and always tried to control me. He even cheated and forced me to stay, physically. I stayed, but I cheated on him, and after a while I left and got with the man I was cheating with. He treats me respectfully and he is loving. I've been with him for over 3 years and not once have I cheated or even thought about it. Some people cheat just to cheat, others cheat because at the time they feel that's the only way to get out of their problems. It all depends on the person and what they went through. You're not always a cheater just because you cheated once before.

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I don't think that's always true. My girlfriend and I have broken up and what started the break up was her cheating on me with two other guys in the last week of our relationship. She was wasted drunk both times and is so upset. She found it hard to give me reasons to start with but now says she did it because she didn't know how else to end the relationship. A solid and concrete way of telling herself it was over between myself and her. Because we have had problems for a long time and in the end doing that to me was like forcing herself to make a decision.

I once kissed another girl while I was in a different relationship, and I told my girlfriend of the time and said I'd never do it again. Because it was true! When I did that, it was fun at the time but when I thought about it, it was one of the worst things I could ever do, and I promised myself that I would NEVER do anything like that again to anybody ever again. And i haven't. And I never will.

So I really do believe it depends on the situation and the person. People make mistakes. That's a fact. And for all different reasons. In my opinion its usually because the relationship you're in is bad. Not necessarily because you can't control your sexuality. Sex is just sex. You've just got to figure out whether your cheating partner really believes it was a mistake. Or whether its something they don't think is that bad. If they truly believe it was a mistake, they may have a high enough opinion of themselves that they vow never to do it again.

I would like to hear a psychologist's view on all this and whether or not there is some kind of scientific likelihood of it happening again if you've already done it. A genetic or evolutionary weakness lets say?

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I don't think that the saying "Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater" applies to everyone. Perhaps it does apply to those who have cheated numerous times in different relationships, but if you are applying it to a person who has only cheated in one relationship, then you should take into account the reasons WHY they cheated before judging them.

I know a person who cheated on his wife, but only after she had face-to-face told him (in their bedroom no less) that she was not attracted to him and had absolutely no interest in having sex with him, period. Additionally, she expected that he would continue to support her and stay in the marriage. He waited 6 months, hoping things would change, and when they didn't, he started looking elsewhere for sexual gratification, but stayed in the marriage with the hopes that she would come around and things would get better. After 2 years of waiting (and getting sex-without-strings elsewhere) , he told her he wanted a divorce and then he told her he had been cheating on her and why he cheated (basically in the hope that she would quit sponging off him and leave). She refused to leave and also threatened him with 'she would make his life living hell, make the divorce/ separation living hell, plus she would refuse to sign the divorce papers if he left her'. The guy felt like crap for cheating on her (still does), and he cared about what happened to her (still does), but he also knew he had been treated very badly for the last 6 years of his marriage, and he felt like he had been used, not to mention that she had bluntly told him she found him completely unattractive, but expected that outside of sex, nothing would change. When he told me all of this, it was glaringly obvious that his ex had stopped loving him about 3 years ago, but was too much of a coward and too dependent on him, to leave and take on the responsibility of taking care of herself. The woman was (is) a leech. (she even refused to get her own driver's license just so she could have him drive her around everywhere). When I talked to him (at great length) he admitted that even though he did cheat, he wouldn't do it again, because (he said) that if he was in a loving relationship with someone, he wouldn't have to look elsewhere for something he was getting through his relationship with someone he loved. And although what he did was WRONG, he came clean AND he was/is right in saying that a person should be able to get the sexual gratification they need as long as they are in a LOVING relationship, unless there is a medically, physical or mental reason why it cannot be so.

So, my answer is NO. Once a Cheater does NOT mean Always a Cheater. Gather the facts and review the reasons, BEFORE you judge. Oh, and who says we have the right to judge others for their actions anyway? We are not God or Gods. We as human beings DO NOT have the RIGHT to JUDGE others. And if you question this, try looking in the mirror and go over EVERY WRONG you have done in your life, and think about whether or not you think someone else has the RIGHT to judge you. Then, if you can still face yourself, try telling me that you have the right to judge and condemn someone else for their actions or lack thereof. See? Not so easy to do now, is it?

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From my experience, this is certainly true. I married a habitual cheater who I thought had reformed and was ready to settle down. Two years later she had an affair. Then after 2 years of counseling and trying to recover from the affair, she left me and began a relationship with another guy. My suspicions are that she was with him before she ever left me. Well, 3 months have passed, she has been with this guy for a while now and recently she called me up and wanted to sleep with me while she was with this other guy. We met up last night and had a quick fling and she left with plans to come see me again tomorrow. She calls me up today and says that she feels guilty but she is still on for more cheating. She can't seem to stop herself. This confirms that getting a divorce from her is a good decision. She is incapable of being in a faithful monogamous relationship. Now I get free booty with no strings attached and it sure feels good that I am somewhat getting my revenge on the bastard that she left me for. But to answer the question, yes, definitely, once a cheater, always a cheater. I wish I would would have known this before I married her. People who are habitual cheaters are sick and need serious professional help to stop their addiction. Some never do.

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Some people cheat in one relationship, realize what they did, and don't make the same mistake again. Other people cheat throughout various relationships. If they have cheated more that once, they should be considered a risky person to get involved with.

It also depends on how they handled the situation. Did the cheater only end the affair when they were caught? Do they blame the person they were dating/married to for their affair? Do they brag about the affair at all? If so, I personally would not trust them.

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Once a cheater always a cheater is definitely true. My husband cheated on me a long time ago, (he got caught) and swore he will never do it again, we went to counseling and had another child and I started trusting him again. After almost 13 years of marriage he left for someone else, then came back asking for forgiveness, I let him come back and he promised again he will never do it again, until i found out he was still cheating and i threw him out, and now i am filing for divorce, after my divorce started i have found out he kept cheating on me numerous times, i just didn't know about it. I think a cheater, is more careful the next time, but they always keep on cheating. They want their cake and eat it too. (This is my personal opinion). If your boyfriend or husband has cheated on you once, be sure he will do it again. Just more cautiously.

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I tend to disagree. I slept with a very close friend who is in a relationship with my sister. I've known this guy for as long as she has. When they got together she turned on him like a wild animal, and I've seen it. Sometimes it was justified, but most of the time it wasn't; like the one night she beat him up. They've both done a lot of damage to this relationship. They've been together for 2 years and I feel sorry for him. He's been kicked around a lot. He feels not like a boyfriend, or husband but like a "glorified babysitter." I think it all depends on the reasons why someone cheats. If its just about sex then yeah he'll cheat again, but if a relationship is on the rocks and has been for a long time, then, no the old saying doesn't always apply.

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That just sounds like the guy is afraid to break up with her. Still, the "overlapping" of sexual partners doesn't look good for either party.

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A person's past behavior is almost always indicative of their future behavior.

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I don't believe it's true. I met my now husband while married to my first husband. I felt really bad about cheating on him so I got a divorce and married the man I was seeing and been married for 13 yrs and have never cheated again. I think its all in the happiness of the marriage etc.

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Personally, I think people who cheat are the scum of the Earth. If you are not happy in the relationship, just be honest and try to work things out peacefully (whether by sticking it out or parting ways). I have been in a relationship of eight years only to recently discover that my ex had cheated at least twice on me...but only after the relationship was over (in his mind). He didn't mention anything to me about his plans to run out on me. Hell, the dirt bag had already bought a house.

I had stressed numerous times before that if he were ever not happy in the relationship to just tell me and then move on. He is such a loser and a coward. People like him make others so untrusting of relationships. I will not be the fool ever again. Screw the lying and cheating cowards of this world! I hold onto the belief that everything come backs home eventually. Maybe he will find someone to love so much one day and then discover they have treated him the way he has treated me. Just to see this would be oh-so-nice.

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In my experience, yes, once a cheat, always. My boyfriend cheated on one of his exes with his best friend's girlfriend and now I'm afraid he'll do the same to me.

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It wont always be true.

It will depend on the person, their beliefs on relationships, their past, your past and the situation and reasons.

Some people can be serial cheats who love the thrill of being naughty and nearly being caught.

Some don't like the responsibility and pressure of a monogamous relationship,

some have confidence issues that may last their lifetime and make them look for attention where they are likely to get it, (IE men, women sex and love) Some people simply feel unhappy in their relationship, and life and look for some happiness out of the buzz you get when meeting someone and getting to know them and then never cheat again . All you can do is talk to them about why they cheated, trust them when and if they say they wont do it again and see how your life goes or leave them if you feel you cant trust them.

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My first marriage was to a man that cheated (loved women). Still, it depends on the individual that cheated. We are only humans and not 100% perfect. If this person has never cheated before, realizes their mistake and owns up to it to their partner then they deserve a second chance. If you have to catch them at cheating (like I did) then they are a waste of skin and not worth trusting. Once a person cheats for whatever reason they have broken the bond of trust and it will take some time for the person to forgive completely and trust the cheater in question.

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I'm lucky to have a lot of friends who talk to me about their relationships so I feel that I have fair source of information on this subject. What I noticed more than anything. The people who cheated claim the saying is false and that people can change. The people who had been cheated on said that it was true and that people never change. I'm going to have to agree with the saying as always being true. All my friends who said they would never cheat again did. People claim that it depends on the situation. I think that is an extremely poor excuse. If you don't have it in you to be a man/woman and tell you partner that you'd rather be with somebody else before you cheat you never will. Also just because a person hasn't cheated before doesn't mean they would never cheat. Maybe the need for them to cheat never arrived. I remember in college I really wanted to explore because I had been with one person during my younger years. So I did I just simply told the people I was in relationships that If it got boring I was gonna move on. Problem was after the first girl the second had me whipped and I married her LOL. Never Cheated.

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No, this is not always the case. I have cheated in one relationship in the course of my life. It was a mistake. I should have ended the relationship before moving on to someone else. I would never do it again.

Watch for patterns. There are those people we all know who never seem to be content in life no matter what they have or have achieved. In my opinion, these are the people who are most likely to cheat because they are always wanting something other than what they have. I would also say that the more easily someone lies, the more easily they will cheat.

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Being on the other side of cheating; having just been cheated on, I see a lot of justification going on and it troubles me. The truth is; being unhappy is not an excuse to cheat on someone. If you are unhappy, you confront your issues, either try to fix them, or man-up and end the relationship. Cheating is only one of many options you can choose from given a breakdown of a relationship. If someone is so unhappy that they're willing to jeopardize the marriage, then it's likely the other party isn't that happy themselves, and there's something deeply and fundamentally wrong with the relationship.

The truth is, someone who chooses to cheat has no good reason or justification to do so. To say "Oh, you made me unhappy... so I did it..." is like saying "You made me mad so I hit you..." There is NO difference and no justification. You have a choice. You can choose to control yourself and face the problems themselves to solve them, or you can create more by infidelity.

The bottom line is, if someone cheats, it's because they have a personal issue. *Something* in their brain told them it was okay to do what they did. It's not the spouse's problem that it happened, it's theirs. And if they made that choice once, there is a chance they'll do it again; unless they take a good strong look in the mirror and take a good long look at their issues and motivations.

A cheater may cheat again and again until they address their problem. So if it happens to you, and you have the capacity to forgive; then make sure before you do, that your spouse/partner is willing to look at the ugliness that brought you both where you are--and to set aside their resentment with you long enough to take responsibility for their choices. Understanding that the very nature of cheating itself is a form of running away from problems, it might be too much to ask of this person for them to confront their own personal issues, let alone admit they have them to begin with.

The most important thing is to not take the cheating as your doing. No matter how bad things have gotten; you did not force anyone to choose to sleep with someone else. That responsibility lies with the cheater.

Is a cheater always a cheater? Not necessarily; however it's not the situation they're in that may cause it. What causes it is personal issues with the Cheater themselves. The recurrence of cheating behavior rests entirely on the cheater's desire to look into their own problems and to fix their own personal issues that cause them to behave as they do.

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it depends on the circumstances and person/persons involved. Were there any other factors such as alcohol/grief or anything else that may distort the way a person feels? If there was then it is unlikely that they meant it and does not mean they will necessarily do it again.

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Is a cheater always a cheater? I think it depends on the personal circumstances. I always said I will be a honest man and not a dog! I also believe in what goes around comes around, and if you really love some one you don't hurt them! But I remember myself cheating on my girlfriend after all the high falu manners! The reason that I cheated was because me felt so unhappy with her! I know lot of you will disagree with me because this is such a flimsy excuse! Well listen to my story: I told her about my feelings and asked her to fix our problems before I did what I have done and became a cheater! I told her that me was planing to end the relationship with her because I felt so unhappy! The problem is she has a weak heart and I really know that she loves me more than everything and If I would do this to her she may get an heart attack seriously!, then 'things could be get real ugly for real!! Well let me say it like this, I can't leave her because I know she can't live with out me and I also love her more then anything, she is my everything! But the problem is this woman can't give love! She is just a hard working woman! And I'm an emotional person! I told her that we don't belong together! So before I cheated on her I wrote her about me feelings from time to time, I wrote her about our situation and this idea's of me being unhappy, what we have to do about it and the thoughts about cheating on her to escape from me problems! So I told her about everything and that main reason getting this ideas was because of her being busy with her carrier so busy that we lived alongside totally and that me felt so lonely! The worst part of my story is that when I said this I really felt so bad after being honest, because she didn't took my complain seriously and thought I wanted some one else because me getting bored of her! Well I couldn't make it to leave her and did the nasty job!

I dated my wife for years before I married her. I felt we knew each other fairly well. We got married. After one year of marriage she cheated on me and had an affair that went on for a year until I found out about it...which she denied over and over until I came up with proof. She finally accepted the fact that I knew what she had done. I was ready to divorce her but she was about 4 months pregnant with our first child. Yes, the affair was going on while she was pregnant. She broke down and confessed everything to me, asked for forgiveness on her knees to me over and over, swearing to me she would never come close to doing this again. I thought, anyone can make a mistake once in their lives, and now I have a child to think about. So we stayed married, had 3 more kids. That first child is now 12 years old. We now have 4 total. Well, Guess what? She had another affair with a neighbor no less. Same old story, she denies it till the end until I came up with proof and she finally told me everything. Same old thing, only this time she realized there is a problem...only now it is all my fault. She says she realizes now that it is because of me that she has been unfaithful and unless I change she can't stay with me. Now I have 4 totally awesome kids and love them dearly. Through much pain and agony I actually wanted to work it out again, mostly for the kids sake. We moved away from the situation and it's been about a year...trying to do whatever I can to "change" so she won't brake her vows another time. We'll, we are now separated...she moved back right next door to the person she had the second affair with...of course she says it is only because the kids are more comfortable there where we lived for 10 years and went to school. She says if I move back to the "old neighborhood" she might want to stay with me.

Bottom line, Yes, The likelihood of a person who has had an affair to have another greatly goes up each and every time their traitorous. It is addictive behavior..think of an alcoholic or drug user. It's the same thing really. Unless they fix themselves it will always persist in my opinion.

Do I wish now I would have gotten a divorce after the first one? Such a tough call after you have had more kids that you love. If you don't have kids I would definitely not stay with a partner who has cheated on you. Once the trust is broken it is broken...sad but true. What if you have kids?

no.

The devil is real and so are demons. We are in a spiritual battle, where we have to fight for God. If we allow these "evil energies" to continue then its like admitting defeat. The apostles and Jesus cast out demons or "evil energies" many times.

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It makes no rational sense. And God is a reasonable being if you ask me. Therefore, the MAN that wrote that must have been WRONG. I know, it's not very popular to say such things. But neither was the whole Earth revolving around the sun or spherical Earth thing either. One commentary I just read may shed some light. First off, Deuteronomy 23:2, in the NIV, reads" No one born of a forbidden marriage [or illegitimate birth] nor any of his descendants may enter the assembly of the LORD, even down to the tenth generation." It continues on to include various non-Israelites and other groups. One thing to note is that "the assembly of the LORD" wasn't just a church service. In that society the assembly would also include duties equivalent to a town council. God wanted ritual purity during those days. He was showing the people of Israel just how serious the consequences of sin are. Those who were impure weren't allowed to do certain things. That didn't mean they were forever condemned, with no room for grace. Rather, it meant that the whole congregation of His people needed to remain pure, so that they wouldn't fall as well. The above answer is an excellent one and well explained. A "bastard" is a disgusting term for a child being born without married parents. The child is innocent and I love the term "God only loans us his children" meaning, when one gives birth to their children they are loaned and it's your job to look after them. On a simpler note, this would explain to me that it's the parents who have sinned if they just dump the child and the child is totally innocent. Even into adulthood a child that does not have married parents or no parents is just as important and should be as respected as any other person. One who has been called a "bastard" should smile and walk away simply because it has nothing to do with the person you are inside and you can be anything you want to be if you put your mind to it. I agree with the first answer when he/she wrote "the MAN that wrote that must have been WRONG."

I also agree that G-d is a reasonable being; I therefore ignore Deuteronomy23v2 as written by man, and accept the following as coming from a reasonable G-d.

"...The son shall not bear the iniquity of the father, neither shall the father bear the iniquity of the son:..." Ezekiel 18:20."

every man shall be put to death for his own sin".Deuteronomy 24:16

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